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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about DD's teacher

110 replies

DancesWithWoolEnPointe · 16/09/2013 16:32

When I collected DD1 (9) from school today her teacher was waiting for me. She showed me a rubber, in bits, and told me that DD had had a very bad afternoon. She had been fiddling in science, and cut one of the school's rubbers to bits with a ruler. She went on, rather angrily, about the importance of listening, not fiddling, the lack of resources at the school and that DD needs to replace the rubber. I have no problem with this at all, although I was surprised at how angry she seemed.

However, after DD and I got home I spoke to her about it, and she relayed just how much trouble she had been in. She was taken outside and the teacher told her off for several minutes, uninterrupted, including, to quote DD, "lots of How dare yous". She said she wanted to say something but felt if she tried to speak she'd be in even more trouble.

Now I am a teacher, and I almost never break out the "how dare you". Like "I'm very disappointed" and "I'm concerned" I keep "how dare you" for really serious issues. While DD has shown disrespect for the school resources and needed to learn a lesson, I can't help but feel this level of response is unwarranted. DD1 has never once been in trouble before in 6 years of formal schooling, and is a top pupil. There is no history of damaging school property or any other issue. I can't help but feel the teacher had had a bad day and lost it with DD. It doesn't sound to me like she was in control of her irritation or anger. I feel the need to stand up for my child.

Would you write a letter to the school? Who is being unreasonable - the teacher or me?

OP posts:
hackmum · 16/09/2013 17:16

Teacher sounds a bit nuts to me. I fiddle all the time - and like your DD, I can fiddle and listen simultaneously. I'm a multitasker.

Probably not worth writing a letter. Save it up for the second or third offence.

rainsofcastersugar · 16/09/2013 17:21

She was fiddling in lesson, she destroyed school property and got a telling off. Let it go.

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2013 17:22

Wow that is harsh! You think it is pathetic that I am worried that a teacher might not be in control of her emotions and let her temper out on my child? Teachers can bully too.

There is no evidence whatsoever of this teacher not being in control of her emotions/losing her temper or being a possible bully.

Not from what you've written so far anyway.

There are a lot of complaints on Mumsnet about teachers that begin with "Well I'm a teacher/ex teacher and I would never...."

I'm afraid what you do for a living doesn't come into it.

ukatlast · 16/09/2013 17:28

YANBU if she is normally a well-behaved pupil who fiddles, I guess the briefing passed on by her former teacher to the new one was insufficient and that this new loony teacher is overreacting at a single incident - in her approach to you as well - a fellow teacher lol - it's only a rubber - why not let your daughter provide her own rubbers then if she needs to fiddle, she can...or can she? Is this teacher the Dickensian type who expects kids not to move a muscle while listening to her prattle on?

I wouldn't complain now but definitely keep an eye on it. Is the teacher new to the school?
FWIW I had an impeccably behaved child whose last teacher had described as a pleasure to teach and then in Y7 (at the same private school in another country) he came home in tears saying he had been severely told off for accidentally letting a desklid drop when he returned to the classroom to get his sunhat while she was in the room talking to another teacher. He gave me a verbatim account of her intimidating overreaction including telling him 'not to dare looking at her like she was a piece a crap' (charming!).
Unknown to my son (he didn't want me to do anything), I emailed her my concern that he had come home and cried for 2 hours and pointed out his impeccable school record and that anyone can drop a desk lid....so that she knew I had his back...he hated her the whole school year and back in UK chose to go to a Comprehensive but that teacher kept her distance from him and likely went off to pick on someone else.
So sad this school had been strict but kind for the previous 4 years - this woman ruined it for him - I used to help out on trips a bit and found her decidedly lacking in empathy.

So no harm OP in letting teacher know you have your daughter's back.

Original poster
DancesWithWoolEnPointe · 16/09/2013 17:29

*There are a lot of complaints on Mumsnet about teachers that begin with "Well I'm a teacher/ex teacher and I would never...."

I'm afraid what you do for a living doesn't come into it.*

What a silly thing to say. Teachers spend years studying how to teach and how to control a classroom. Of course that fact that I am a teacher and I am judging another teacher matters. I am operating from a position of knowledge on how teachers are trained to react.

If I was complaining about my doctor and said "well of course I am a teacher..," - now that wouldn't come into it.

OP posts:
StillSeekingSpike · 16/09/2013 17:32

'that this new loony teacher '

Nice phrasing Hmm

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 16/09/2013 17:32

Dnaces

As a teacher, have not never slightly over-reacted?

Have you never experienced a child not telling their parent the complete and unadulterated truth?

I'd keep an eye out at this stage, that's all

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 16/09/2013 17:32

sorry poor typing

Have you never over-reacted

tiredaftertwo · 16/09/2013 17:37

Some really harsh comments here - I am never sure on MN why health professionals are judged to have been unprofessional so much more often than teachers. I would have thought both should be meeting high standards of professionalism - seeming very angry over a trivial incident is not professional and may reflect a problem, IMO and IME.

OP, I would watch and listen for now, as it may well be a one off/bad day/something else happened that you don't know about. Make a little note of what happened just in case it is a regular occurrence.

LIZS · 16/09/2013 17:37

yabu , you don't know just how exasperating your dd's inattention was, maybe it set a poor example to an already unsettled group. Defacing school property however trivial is not acceptable. As to the language I don't see much odds, she obviously made an impact and your dd needs to learn she is not untouchable.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 16/09/2013 17:41

YABU. Some teachers are more softly- softly than others, as dd will doubtless find out (though it is to be hoped not through damaging more rubbers!).

peppersquint · 16/09/2013 17:41

Are you sure that your DD is telling the truth? You seem to readily accept her version of events without questioning her motives or whether she may have exaggerated teh situation. Either way YABU to write a letter (though not be to upset)

exoticfruits · 16/09/2013 17:51

I would say it was a case of 'pick your battles' and IMO this one isn't worth it.

mummytime · 16/09/2013 17:52

My two pennorth: - Some children cannot concentrate without fiddling

ukatlast · 16/09/2013 17:53

peppersquint - if Op's daughter has never had this sort of issue before - as with my son - it gives you confidence that they are telling you the truth.

The teacher apologised to me by email and said she would make things right with my son - she clearly knew she had behaved extremely badly. Had she continued to bully him, I would have removed him from the school even though we were due to return to UK within a year of the incident.

DoJo · 16/09/2013 18:11

But it's not just about whether the OP's daughter can concentrate whilst fiddling - sawing up a rubber with a ruler is quite a distracting thing to be doing, so for children in the class who CAN'T concentrate whilst someone is doing something distracting then it could have contributed to an overall restlessness amongst the class.

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2013 18:12

What a silly thing to say. Teachers spend years studying how to teach and how to control a classroom. Of course that fact that I am a teacher and I am judging another teacher matters. I am operating from a position of knowledge on how teachers are trained to react.

No, you're comparing that teacher to yourself and your own style of teaching.

Not all teachers are the same, as you will know.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 16/09/2013 18:13

'Destroying school property' seems a bit over-egging the pudding for a rubber... I would've done this sort of thing at school. Purely without thinking about what I was doing.

Is it possible your DD was bored out of her mind in this teacher's class?

FannyMcNally · 16/09/2013 18:15

I wondered when bored would be mentioned....

captainbarnacle · 16/09/2013 18:20

Massive over reaction on your part. The teacher is human. She hardly hit or was personally offensive to your child. What good do you think a complaint would do - apart from make you look very petty.

And reading age of 12 aged 9 isn't top academically I'm afraid. My 6yr old has a reading age of 12, and he's not at the top of his class.

somersethouse · 16/09/2013 18:20

YABU.

missinglalaland · 16/09/2013 18:21

I think you've done the right thing so far. I wouldn't send a letter, yet.
It would look petty at this point. It is, however, very early in the year for the teacher to be so wound up. Let's hope this is a one off.

Still, I'd make a note in my diary of the date and what was said by everyone. If this is a one off, fine. But, if you feel that the teacher has a personality clash with your daughter and is picking on her, then you will want your facts straight. It is awful, but it does happen. I can still remember kids who were picked on by the teacher in primary school (I am over 40 now.) It was upsetting to watch even if you weren't the kid bearing the brunt of the anger.

It's too soon to worry that this is happening here, but a forgotten note from September in your diary won't do any harm, if it turns out to be just an aberration.

somersethouse · 16/09/2013 18:22

... and if you complain about the teacher life is going to become really difficult for you and DD. IMHO.

breatheslowly · 16/09/2013 18:23

While the teacher might have gone overboard a bit if she actually ranted at your DD for several minutes, that doesn't sound very plausible. It might have felt like a long time, but it isn't likely to have even been 2 minutes as the teacher won't have wanted to leave the class for long (even with a TA present).

Also teachers aren't taught some sort of hierarchy of "telling off" phrases with "how dare you" kept for only the most serious offenses. You might have your own personal system, but YABU to try to force it onto another teacher.

I think that for an otherwise well behaved child "I'm really disappointed in you" might well be the more serious phrase as it implies that you were well regarded and have lost some of that regard. I'd much rather someone said to me "how dare you" than "I'm really disappointed in you".

MissFenella · 16/09/2013 18:24

All this fuss over a mashed up rubber? Blimey. An over reaction by the teacher and there is no need to compound it.