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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father who doesn't want to be involved...

112 replies

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 13:23

My unborn baby's father has decided he doesn't want anything to do with him/her.
We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. Every time we talk, we end up arguing because I find his attitude very frustrating. He has admitted that he feels no responsibility towards the child and has no desire to be part of his/her lfe.
He is being very difficult about maintenance; although he accepts that he will have to pay something, he is not willing to provide the same as he does with his other non-resident children who live with his ex wife, or anywhere near what he is legally obliged to contribute. He has refused to come to a family based arrangement and insisted that we have no contact unless it is through his solicitor... a lot of unnecessary stress and cost I could do without!

I am considering not listing him on the baby's birth certificate. This may sound like I am being spiteful and bitter but I am trying to prevent him from changing his mind in 10 years time and causing even more hurt/confusion for the baby. Will I still have the same legal rights to maintenance? Will he be able to see the baby without my permission?

I have posted this in the Legal Advice thread too, but do you ladies think I am being unreasonable? It was entirely his choice! Am I doing the right thing for my baby?

Please help ...

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 15/09/2013 13:26

You will still be able to claim maintenance through the CSA.

As for the birth cert, unless you're married, you can't put him on it unless he accompanies you to the registration.

BrokenSunglasses · 15/09/2013 13:47

You won't be able to list him on the birth certificate if you aren't married unless he goes with you to do it.

Personally, I think if you are going to have this baby knowing from the early stages of pregnancy that he doesn't want to be involved or have any responsibly, then you should provide financially on your own. But I know that's not a popular opinion, or what the law says, I just think that men should have the same rights as women when it comes to taking responsibility for an unwanted pregnancy.

WannaBeANinja · 15/09/2013 13:47

did you never have a discussion about babies etc before you fell pregnant? How long have you been together for?

KristinaM · 15/09/2013 13:54

Broken sunglasses -you're right, it's a popular opinion. This man chose to have sex with Hope, knowing that sex can lead to pregnancy. That's a risk he took.

Why do Hope and her child have to live with the consequences while he can walk away and not take responsibility for his choices ? Should she support her child single handed? Or should the tax payers pick up the slack because he doenst want to ?

KristinaM · 15/09/2013 13:56

Sorry, I meat it's an UNPOPULAR opinion

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 15/09/2013 13:59

broken, he should have thought about the risks of pregnancy before he had sex.

LooseMoosey · 15/09/2013 14:02

YANBU.
I'm in the same situation except my DC is a few months old now. I haven't had contact with the father since I was pregnant as he decided abortion was the only option. It wasn't for me.
He isn't on the birth certificate but I haven't pursued any form of maintenance - as nice as it would be to remind him via CSA that he IS a father, I would like to stay as detached as possible.
But yes, you can claim CSA without him on the BC. And no, it's not 'spiteful and bitter' to not want him on there Smile

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your baby!

paperlantern · 15/09/2013 14:07

hmm.... controversial but I'm pretty sure you can actively give up your parental rights.

I'm suggesting this only if genuinely he really doesn't want to be involved.

advantage of this is if you do form a relationship later on. he actually has the opportunity to have a "real" adoptive daddy.

topicsactiveimon · 15/09/2013 14:11

What's your financial situation? If you cannot do without his contribution, then you need to go through the CSA.

If you CAN do without his contribution... then think about whether or not you want him involved at all. Some men decide that because they need to pay some money, they will become involved - and sometimes that is positive and sometimes negative - whereas if there's no monetary incentive, they will simply never contact the mother and child.

Clearly it his responsibility to support his child, you are entirely in the right on that. But you also sound like you'd rather not co-parent with this man. You have time... weigh up the options.

And congratulations on your pregnancy! Smile

omwards · 15/09/2013 14:15

broken presumably you are saying she should not have proceeded with the pregnancy if he didn't want it. If so then it's an unpopular view for a very good reason.

Nancy66 · 15/09/2013 14:16

Brokensunglasses is correct in saying that it sounds as though you won't be able to name him on the birth certificate anyhow.

Is there a chance his attitude may change after the baby is born?

WannaBeANinja · 15/09/2013 14:48

Roonil she should have also have thought of the consequences of sex.

not just him

SugarHut · 15/09/2013 14:50

I have to say....I agree primarily with Broken .... men do have to just deal with the decision a woman makes when she falls pregnant. Yes, yes sex leads to babies, both parties know that, but it is then solely in the woman's hands what she does from there.

If you are bringing a little person into the world already knowing the father doesn't want anything to do with them (so sorry to hear that, I am in that same boat now with my 5yr old, ex partner has cut all contact) then you need to be prepared and able to deal with this 100% on your own. I don't believe you should have to at all, and it's not the fluffy pc thing to say, but the stark reality is, if he doesn't want to contribute in any way, you need to make sure you have the potential to provide everything your child needs. It's your duty as a mother. It's his duty as a father too, but again, without sugar coating, it's your decision to continue with the pregnancy even though he made his feelings very clear about what his involvement would be if you did.

I don't just mean the money either, he's already said he knows he has to pay something, but he'll probably do that begrudgingly, I mean you (until you meet someone else) will be doing all of the parenting.

I'm not trying to be a neg head, sincere congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm just speaking as someone no longer with DS' biological father, and I asked myself do I want to spend my life pestering for contact, chasing CSA/maintenance payments, or do I accept I am more than capable of providing for my own child, so whilst it's wrong that I have to be mum/dad/breadwinner all rolled into one, the reality is I am. And you need to be prepared to be able to be all those things too.

In answer to your questions, if not on the birth cert, yes you can still claim maintenance, and yes, he can apply to the courts for a contact order, and unless you can show a good reason why he must not see the child (but he's not been in his/her life for x months/years makes no difference) then you have to "make the child available" for him.

McNewPants2013 · 15/09/2013 14:55

I kind of get what broken is saying.

Men don't really have any control once an unplanned pregnancy has taken place.

However if we live in a country that once a baby is born NRP have to take some responsibility even if that just financially.

needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zatyaballerina · 15/09/2013 14:58

I don't see why a woman is entitled to have an abortion for any reason including the fact it is financially unattractive or might ruin her social life but men can be forced into parenthood and forced to hand over a huge chunk of their income to a child they never wanted. It's a ridiculous double standard.

Unless you live in a country where abortion is illegal, this pregnancy was your choice to incubate. You want this kid, you should take care of it yourself.

NatashaBee · 15/09/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 15:02

Hang on a minute ladies!!!!! I didn't even allude to the pregnancy having been unplanned, so comments about 'the consequences of having sex' have no relevance here.

BrokenSunglasses: "Early"!? You think 18 weeks is early enough to have an abortion? Even from the most ProChoice individuals, that view surprises me.

We had known of the pregnancy from about 4 weeks, at 12 weeks we decided that we would be better parents if we were apart, and 6 weeks later he decided that the baby is nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihearsounds · 15/09/2013 15:04

Regardless of whether his name can or cannot go on the bc, which it cannot without him being there, you cannot exclude his name to prevent him from ever seeing the child. He has the right to see the child and legally can persue this. But more importantly, the child also has the right to see dad if he/she wants to.

It doesn't matter if you agree of not with him seeing his child, legally he can.
Yes you can persue him for csa.

YoniMatopoeia · 15/09/2013 15:09

Yes. Go through CSA.

zatyaballerina · 15/09/2013 15:12

Sorry for assuming it was unplanned and that he didn't want it from the beginning!

BrokenSunglasses · 15/09/2013 15:15

broken presumably you are saying she should not have proceeded with the pregnancy if he didn't want it. If so then it's an unpopular view for a very good reason.

No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that if in the very early stages of pregnancy, one parent doesn't want to be a parent, then as one parent can choose to end their responsibility to a child, then the other parent should be allowed to do the same.

I'm certainly not saying that she shouldn't continue her own pregnancy just because her partner doesn't want to be involved, but if he doesn't want to be involved then I think she should accept that she is doing the parenting completely alone. That includes providing financially.

BUT, as OP has updated to say that this man didn't declare his disinterest in the pregnancy until 18 weeks, then he should have to take responsibility because its too late by then. If he had said it when they first split up at 12 weeks, then I think he should have the right to give up his parental responsibility, in exactly the same way the OP would have been able to.

As it is, it makes no difference because a man is forced into responsibility if the woman decides to keep the unplanned baby no matter what. Maybe if there was some legal mechanism for him to give up responsibility, he would have had the incentive to do it sooner, and OP would have been able to make her choices knowing where she stood regarding her ex partners emotional and financial responsibility.

needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 15:21

I am incredibly shocked by some of these comments.
Firstly, why on earth would you think, that at 20 weeks, I would even consider abortion!? Just because the father has decided he doesn't what the child. What an appalling attitude.
Secondly, we both made choices that led to this baby, and I am prepared (and delighted) to live with the consequences whether or not I am in a relationship with the father. Why do some of you think it is acceptable for him, at this stage, to neglect all of his responsibilities? He certainly did NOT make his position clear from the beginning.

To all of the other constructive and helpful posters, thank you. Of course, I want whatever is best for my baby, so if he decides in the future that he would like to have contact, I will do whatever is right. I should have been clearer in my original post; I want to ensure he is not legally able to pick my child up from school one day without discussing it with me, or take him/her out of the country etc. That's not to say I would ever make it difficult for him to have a relationship with his child if he ever did see sense.

Lastly, his arrangement with his ex wife is not through the CSA: he is still paying 100% of her rent, bills and living costs, the girls' private school fees, extra tuition, music lessons, an au pair, etc etc... the list is endless.

OP posts: