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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father who doesn't want to be involved...

112 replies

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 13:23

My unborn baby's father has decided he doesn't want anything to do with him/her.
We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. Every time we talk, we end up arguing because I find his attitude very frustrating. He has admitted that he feels no responsibility towards the child and has no desire to be part of his/her lfe.
He is being very difficult about maintenance; although he accepts that he will have to pay something, he is not willing to provide the same as he does with his other non-resident children who live with his ex wife, or anywhere near what he is legally obliged to contribute. He has refused to come to a family based arrangement and insisted that we have no contact unless it is through his solicitor... a lot of unnecessary stress and cost I could do without!

I am considering not listing him on the baby's birth certificate. This may sound like I am being spiteful and bitter but I am trying to prevent him from changing his mind in 10 years time and causing even more hurt/confusion for the baby. Will I still have the same legal rights to maintenance? Will he be able to see the baby without my permission?

I have posted this in the Legal Advice thread too, but do you ladies think I am being unreasonable? It was entirely his choice! Am I doing the right thing for my baby?

Please help ...

OP posts:

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 15/09/2013 15:24

I'm gobsmacked by some of the attitudes on this thread. Gobsmacked.
So basically a woman should always terminate a pregnancy or not expect any help from a father if he decides not to have anything to do with a child. Fucking hell, are we back in the 1950s? Two people have sex. Two people know the consequences.

The assumption from the start that the OP was in the wrong for getting pregnant and causing the poor old man to have to support a child he doesn't want is the most misogynistic clap trap I've read on these boards for an age.

OP, ignore the utter fucknuggets on this thread - I know it means ignoring half of the thread, but so be it. It sounds like your ex is a twat - not your fault.

He's not going to do the right thing. Go through the CSA.

needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 15:28

Thank you, ladies, that is exactly what I needed to hear.

OP posts:

Ezio · 15/09/2013 15:28

Lastly, his arrangement with his ex wife is not through the CSA: he is still paying 100% of her rent, bills and living costs, the girls' private school fees, extra tuition, music lessons, an au pair, etc etc... the list is endless.

I think the ex wife is worried that shes gotta share some of the income she gets with the OP, maybe putting pressure on the ex.

Or the ex just doesnt give a shit.

Greythorne · 15/09/2013 15:30

Ignore the misogynists on this thread.

The father of your foetus sounds like a selfish fucker.

In your shoes I would not put him on the birth certificate and I would go it alone completely, financially, everything. I think it would be less hassle for me. Spending years arguing over financial contributions from such a crappy father sounds like a waste of energy and headspace.

Cut him out. Move on. Be strong. Do you own thing. Be in charge of your and your baby's destiny.

Ezio · 15/09/2013 15:30

OP when your baby is born, just go straight to the CSA, you might get never if hes desperate not to pay, but atleast you tried.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 15/09/2013 15:41

wannabe, she isn't the one who has a problem with the child's existence. He is. She's dealing with the issue, he's trying to run away.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 15/09/2013 15:45

And OP, definitely ignore the fucknuggets as someone else said. There's a few of them that pop up on a lot of threads like this standing up for irresponsible men and slating women for trying to do the best for their child by considering maintenance from the other parent.

Sparklysilversequins · 15/09/2013 15:48

Hey guess what? men aren't entitled to a risk free fuck after a night out you know.

My point being that even if this baby was not planned and was the result of the above scenario, then it would still be the responsibility of the man involved to support the ensuing child. Because why the hell should the woman have to carry the can, whether that be the horrendous experience of a termination or the decision to keep a child just because she's the only one who can actually GET pregnant.

Sex is first and foremost for reproductive purposes and if you engage in it with anyone then you'd better be prepared to step up and provide practical support if a pregnancy is the result.

I am absolutely disgusted by some of the replies on here, you must really hate women and their children if you believe that a man should walk away entirely unencumbered just because the circumstances of conception weren't ideal.

SugarHut · 15/09/2013 16:00

Jeeeeez. No one thinks he SHOULD walk away. I'm also not understanding the bashing at many of us on the insistence of an abortion??? Not one of us have said that is what she should have done, so do not put words in our mouths.

It was not obvious when the OP said he wants nothing to do with the baby that she meant this was a recent event. It read like he had this stance from the start. At which point she would have had options... Nothing more, nothing less. This is not the same as flaming her for becoming a voluntary single mother at this "poor man's" expense, which is what you are suggesting we are doing.

I for one congratulated OP on her pregnancy.

chocolateapple · 15/09/2013 16:11

I can never understand ANYONE sticking up for deadweight fathers in situations like this.
Yes, both parties are involved in the making of a baby. Yes, they both should take responsibility for it. The pregnant woman IS taking responsibility. Why is it so wrong for OP to choose to have this baby knowing the father doesn't want to know? Unless she impregnated herself, she has the right to decide whether she wants financial help from the 'father'.
Does anyone realise how upsetting it is to be advised to abort whilst pregnant with a child you want and care for, no less? HURTS A F*ING LOT.

Anyway, sorry OP, really winds me up. You are already doing the right thing by your baby already by considering how it will all affect DC.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/09/2013 16:14

Hope almost eight years ago I was in practically the same situation. My ex and I planned to have a baby, then he cheated on me and left me for the OW when I was 17 weeks pregnant. He chose to have nothing to do with DS - didn't come to scans, wasn't at the birth etc. He has never even seen DS. I didn't put him on the BC and I gave DS my surname.

I put a claim into the CSA but my ex is completely non-compliant and has done all he can to avoid paying, including leaving jobs on purpose. I currently get £5 per fortnight. However if your ex is paying for his ex wife's rent, bills etc on top of his own, plus music lessons and private schooling fees, I doubt he'd leave his job on purpose. More likely that he just doesn't want his ex and their kids to know about his new child, as that will upset the apple cart too much. It sounds like he earns a decent amount so the fact is he now needs to budget so that his new child also receives financial contributions.

I hate all this 'he shouldn't have to see or contribute towards a child he doesn't want' shit. He doesn't want to see the child he helped create? Fine, you can't force him to be a father any more than you can make him become a decent person (which he clearly isn't), and quite frankly you can do it all alone. Really, you can. But he should contribute financially. It's the law. As soon as the baby's born, contact the CSA and get your application in. Why should your child together have to suffer due to his selfishness? How does he think your child will feel when he/she finds out that their half siblings have led a pretty privileged lifestyle with a private education etc but they were pushed aside and treated as though they don't exist? Your ex should be ashamed of himself.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and I wish you luck for the future. x

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 15/09/2013 16:22

In your own words SugarHut

it's your decision to continue with the pregnancy even though he made his feelings very clear about what his involvement would be if you did

So basically, if he doesn't provide, its her fault for keeping the baby. If that's not what you meant, then please do explain.

By the sounds of it SH, you pinned your colours to the mast of another useless father but decided that it was your own fault, so instead of looking to get the aforementioned tossweasel to contribute financially, you're doing it all yourself and expect other women to do the same.

McNewPants2013 · 15/09/2013 16:24

I don't see why the mother should have to struggle, while the mum from his 1st relationship get a lot of financial help.

This child should have the same advantages as his/her Siblings.

TooTabooToBoo · 15/09/2013 16:29

Cut him out. Move on. Be strong. Do you own thing. Be in charge of your and your baby's destiny.

This.

I have been in your shoes OP, don't expect or request anything from him, be honest with your child as it grows and starts to question, hold in the back of your head that one day he may turn up asking to be in her/his life. But from this day on, he is nothing to you, concentrate on your baby.

I'd love to say go to the csa but I'd be a hypocrite, The sperm donor gets no recognition for feeding/clothing or financially supporting MY daughter that he refuses to acknowledge.

I've done it myself, with the support of my parents admittedly - we get the recognition, not him.

Some really twattish comments on this thread.

topicsactiveimon · 15/09/2013 16:34

Ahhh, now that you've clarified a lot of your feelings and his financial situation as regards his ex-wife: yes, go through the CSA. All the children are equally his responsibility. It doesn't sound like he's going to be overly-involved, CSA or no.

Original poster

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 16:38

Thank you for your support, advice and best wishes

I will contact the CSA when baby arrives, but I won't let myself become crippled with bitterness by his unwillingness to live up to his responsibilities if things don't work out financially.

OP posts:

FlapJackFlossie · 15/09/2013 16:38

Two people have sex. Two people know the consequences.

But ONLY ONE has a say in what will happen. One's choices get discarded immediately. That's hardly fair, is it?

Original poster

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 16:44

FlapJack, this is not a thread about abortion.

OP posts:

TooTabooToBoo · 15/09/2013 16:45

Boo fucking hoo to it being "fair" or not.

The alternative to resolving the matter is abortion.

Shall we continue to discuss being "fair" ?

TooTabooToBoo · 15/09/2013 16:49

I have to hide this thread.

I had this shit thrown at me by the sperm donor. I specifically remember there being 2 people involved at the point of conception, yet I was the bitch who ruined his life by refusing to have an abortion and live with the guilt the rest of my life, just so he could move on and forget.

Good luck OP x

Ezio · 15/09/2013 16:52

But ONLY ONE has a say in what will happen. One's choices get discarded immediately. That's hardly fair, is it?

He had choices, either dont have sex, use protection or get the snip if he really didnt wanna have kids

BrokenSunglasses · 15/09/2013 16:52

The alternative to resolving the matter is abortion

No it isn't. The alternative could be to allow unmarried men to rid themselves of financial and physical support if they say that's what they want to do early enough in a pregnancy, in exactly the same way a woman is allowed to do.

I don't think it's fair to have such double standards over this. Either make abortion illegal and make every parent fully responsible for the children they create, or continue to allow abortion but allow men the same rights as women over whether they become parents or not.

omwards · 15/09/2013 17:00

Broken you say: "What I'm saying is that if in the very early stages of pregnancy, one parent doesn't want to be a parent, then as one parent can choose to end their responsibility to a child, then the other parent should be allowed to do the same".

You are overlooking the whole of biology. When there is already a pregnancy, the woman has only one way of walking away and that is termination. That is not a simple act of relinquishing responsibility, it isn't just 'choosing to end their responsibility' and you cannot possibly overlook this.

Hope good luck with your baby.

Kewcumber · 15/09/2013 17:01

"He has the right to see the child"

Just to clarify this isn't technically correct (although it seems irrelevant in this case). Parents don't have rights - they have responsibilities - hence "parental responsibility" not "parental rights".

Children have the right to have contact with both parents and most courts will believe this to be in the childs best interests. But neither parent has a right to see their child, only the responsibility to do so constructively.

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