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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father who doesn't want to be involved...

112 replies

HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 13:23

My unborn baby's father has decided he doesn't want anything to do with him/her.
We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. Every time we talk, we end up arguing because I find his attitude very frustrating. He has admitted that he feels no responsibility towards the child and has no desire to be part of his/her lfe.
He is being very difficult about maintenance; although he accepts that he will have to pay something, he is not willing to provide the same as he does with his other non-resident children who live with his ex wife, or anywhere near what he is legally obliged to contribute. He has refused to come to a family based arrangement and insisted that we have no contact unless it is through his solicitor... a lot of unnecessary stress and cost I could do without!

I am considering not listing him on the baby's birth certificate. This may sound like I am being spiteful and bitter but I am trying to prevent him from changing his mind in 10 years time and causing even more hurt/confusion for the baby. Will I still have the same legal rights to maintenance? Will he be able to see the baby without my permission?

I have posted this in the Legal Advice thread too, but do you ladies think I am being unreasonable? It was entirely his choice! Am I doing the right thing for my baby?

Please help ...

OP posts:
FlapJackFlossie · 15/09/2013 17:34

Absolutely Join absolutely Grin

ANormalOne · 15/09/2013 17:35

His right to a pleasurable sex life does not top the rights of children that may be forthcoming.

This.

A child's need to be fed, clothed and have a roof over their head, trumps a man's need to have a few extra notes in his wallet.

ANormalOne · 15/09/2013 17:43

And to answer OP, CSA will still pursue him for maintenance even if his name is not on the birth certificate, if he denies he is the father they will carry out a paternity test at his cost. If he is not being amicable with you, I wouldn't put him down so he doesn't get parental rights, if he doesn't want to be involved, and then put a claim in through the CSA. If he does change his mind and want to be involved, you can always have his name put on at a later date.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 15/09/2013 17:47

OP, I think your ex is being a jerk, and you should contact the CSA. 18 weeks is too late to decide he doesn't want any financial responsibility. He should have made that decision about 18 weeks earlier and acted accordingly when the decision was still his to make.

Congratulations, and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy. If you haven't already, check in with the ante-natal threads. I'm due tomorrow, and the ante-natal threads have been brilliant. :)

Original poster
HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 18:05

I'm unsure when/where this thread turned into MNers giving me advice as to whether I should terminate my pregnancy at 20 weeks because my EX has changed his mind. Angry I AM NOT CONSIDERING ABORTION! I am delighted and very excited with my pregnancy (which did not begin with a one night stand!).

Thank you, again, to those of you who have offered very helpful and supportive advice. It's a shame some people feel the need to express their unwelcome views on unrelated threads!

OP posts:
missmargot · 15/09/2013 18:08

My understanding is that he will not have parental responsibility if he isn't listed on the birth certificate and you can only list him on the birth certificate if he comes with you to register the birth (given that you aren't married).

This means that in the future if he wants to have any access or rights then he would need to go to court for parental responsibility, so he couldn't just turn up one day and get these rights automatically, there is a process he would need to go through.

It sounds like a very tough situation for you, I wish you all the best.

SleepyFish · 15/09/2013 18:15

Sorry you're having to read all this shit OP and congrats on your pregnancy. There are a lot more positives to being a single parent than negatives IME.
I get a tiny amount through CSA from my childs father, he isn't on the birth certificate and has never met him. He also changed his mind around the 20 week stage.
I initially didn't claim anything but after 3 years decided to go for maintenance out of necessity.

Some of the posters on here should be ashamed of theirselves and I'd just like to point out that no you cant get an abortion for 'any reason' as was said upthread and certainly not because the father has decided that he does'nt want a child after all. You need to convince 2 medical professionals that having a child would have an adverse affect on your physical or mental health.

needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearArmy · 15/09/2013 18:38

HopeS01 The trolls will keep getting their jabs in as long as you feed them with attention. Pregnant women are a favoured target, there are actually a few people on this forum who see every pregnancy as a form of abuse against a vulnerable man. Just ignore, and report where necessary.

I think it might be best for you to disengage from the father completely, the stress can't be doing you or the baby any good. Write his details down and file them, then delete his number and email from your phone so you're not tempted to call at a vulnerable moment. When the baby has been born, contact the CSA with his details and let them take it from there. That's what I would do.

Original poster
HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 18:39

Needaholidaynow, it is horrible, it would be a different situation if he couldn't afford to help/was unemployed! Very, very frustrating .. I'm trying not to worry yet about how I will tell the baby all of this when he/she grows up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HopeS01 · 15/09/2013 18:40

Thanks Pom, sounds like a very sensible suggestion. The stress is not doing anyone any good, and there's nothing I can do until baby is born!

Smile
OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 15/09/2013 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stella69x · 15/09/2013 19:14

Sorry gonna be blunt. Screw him screw contact screw maintenance. You're dc has you who is totally committed, that's all that is needed. My DS is now in his teens, I had that crap pre birth, I cut my losses and carried on. You don't need that negativity you area strong woman who can do this by herself

PomBearArmy · 15/09/2013 19:32

But she can't necessarily 'screw' contact if that is requested at some point, and if she could use maintenance of course she should pursue that too. Taking nothing from him won't keep him away if he changes his mind at any point. He could suddenly pop up when the kid is 16 years old and announce he is ready to be a father (my actual experience with my biological father!)

Ezio · 15/09/2013 19:41

Theres a woman on mumsnet who recently had a very much planned baby with her husband, still in early pregnancy, she found out he had cheating and researching late abortions, i would like to know what the people siding with the men in this case would have said to her.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/09/2013 20:04

As the others have said.

He cannot go on the birth certificate if he is not either at the registration with you or does not fill out a form.

And no it will not hinder a csa application at all but they will asses his liability to be much lower than his other ex gets as its a private arrangement with her.you will get 15%.

Don't bother talking to him you don't even need to bother talking to his legal person at the moment the baby is not even born yet so don't let it stress you out further.

And try to avoid some of the idiots on here who have derailed the thread they tend to show up on every thread like this banging on about the poor men and haven't yet worked out that they should fuck off and start there own thread with that actual subject rather than derail one about a personal posters situation

chocolateapple · 15/09/2013 20:29

I'd like to know that too, Ezio

How dare any woman get pregnant and not anticipate that the father might change his mind Wink

revealall · 15/09/2013 20:46

I have the same circumstances and I do understand that men make mistakes as much as women. However I do believe the threat of the CSA means less of these mistakes might occur.

Op I would offer you the advice that you can't predict the future. The father may or may not show interest later - mine didn't despite knowing him very well and him being a " good bloke".You may or may not find a perfect replacement for the father. I had a new and enthusiastic father figure for my son within 6 months (still there after 9 years).Don't feel you need to do anything other than be a good single mother and let the rest sort itself out.

shrinkingnora · 15/09/2013 20:50

Firstly, huge congratulations on your pregnancy. Very exciting and special time - do you know the sex yet? How's the pregnancy going? Hope you're not being too sick or anything and managing to look after yourself.

It sounds like you have three options:

Ask him to be on the birth certificate & also claim via CSA

Don't put him on the birth certificate and still claim via the CSA

Don't put him on the birth certificate and don't bother claiming any money

Only you know if you can afford to forget about the payments. I would consider taking legal advice on how much control you would have if he decided to get involved at a later date. He may grow up a bit and realise he does want contact and it may be a positive thing for your child but I think you are right to consider that as and when. Basically, I'm saying run through the possible scenarios with a qualified advisor!

revealall · 15/09/2013 21:09

There is no "qualified advisor".You can claim CSA with or without a birth certificate. Only the OP will know if this will help or hinder her hopes and dreams.
Legally if the father is not on the BC then what can he do? He'll have to go through the courts to prove he's the father and they will say she has PR and he has no more say than a divorced couple.

I claimed CSA purely for the DNA as the father of mt DS denied paternity. I didn't want him chipping in later saying it wasn't his fault as he" wasn't sure". I do fine without his money.

My savings for him will go on a car/uni/house .I save the CSA payments to be DS's party fund when he is 18 to piss away (he only pays £5 a week).

Chunderella · 15/09/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrinkingnora · 15/09/2013 21:37

I meant a legal advisor re access at a later date not CSA payments.

daisychain01 · 15/09/2013 21:58

Hi Hope, just wondering .. Would it leave the door open if you did have the Father listed on your baby's birth certificate? Maybe in 10 years time, or whenever, he may have come to his senses and anyway, isn't it better for that child/person in the future not to have a gap in the certificate where the Father's name would be?

I dont know the " right" answer but all I am saying is, how will excluding the Father from the birth certificate stop hurt and confusion? Not sure it will solve that problem. At the end of the day, each person has a father, albeit not always responsible, it may not help to artificially deny the Father's existence...

I am very sorry on your behalf that he has reneged on what he originally told you, that is awful.

Chunderella · 15/09/2013 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

revealall · 15/09/2013 22:09

Who reads their birth certificates?

Tell your child who their dad is, say that he wasn't ready to be a Dad and perhaps inform them of which characteristics are like their fathers - the children seriously won't be harmed. And you may well find a new lovely man/woman to raise them as a "family"
Plenty of children do well in crap circumstances. Tell the truth, don't be nasty and they won't even know.