Father who doesn't want to be involved...

[HopeS01]

My unborn baby's father has decided he doesn't want anything to do with him/her.
We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. Every time we talk, we end up arguing because I find his attitude very frustrating. He has admitted that he feels no responsibility towards the child and has no desire to be part of his/her lfe.
He is being very difficult about maintenance; although he accepts that he will have to pay something, he is not willing to provide the same as he does with his other non-resident children who live with his ex wife, or anywhere near what he is legally obliged to contribute. He has refused to come to a family based arrangement and insisted that we have no contact unless it is through his solicitor... a lot of unnecessary stress and cost I could do without!

I am considering not listing him on the baby's birth certificate. This may sound like I am being spiteful and bitter but I am trying to prevent him from changing his mind in 10 years time and causing even more hurt/confusion for the baby. Will I still have the same legal rights to maintenance? Will he be able to see the baby without my permission?

I have posted this in the Legal Advice thread too, but do you ladies think I am being unreasonable? It was entirely his choice! Am I doing the right thing for my baby?

Please help ...

Thanks for setting things straight re the need for cooperation, chunder, I had not appreciated that.

You don't artificially deny the father by not having him on the birth certificate. It really isn't a big deal. My sons father wasn't on the birth certificate because he had to work and wasn't available to come to the court house within the deadline, and we never got round to putting him on later. It means nothing to us or DS.

And OP is going to have enough on her plate as a lone parent, IMO she doesn't need to be factoring in 'open door' strategies for someone who doesn't seem at all interested at the moment.

x posted sorry.

I think the bit about the parental responsibility was the important part, Chunder, you are right. So that if ( by some miracle, I know) that hope's baby's father were to grow up and take his responsibilities seriously, then at least from what you mention, that can come later.

Agreed, Pom, the BC actually doesn't matter, I guess I was responding to Hope's point in her OP but it was a bit of a red herring.

Just a quick post to say be strong and focus on that beautiful little baby. Your worthless ex will be missing out on literally a lifetime of love. Pity the fool and look to the future xx

Thanks ladies. This has really cheered me up :)

I understand your point Daisy, and I hope that my ex knows the door will always be open to him (in regards to being a father, not to me!!!!). Thankfully, the MNers have filled me in on the birth certificate situation and now I understand that I can't put him on there anyway.... In the unlikely event that he might turn up, I won't be inviting him or even notifying him of the date I plan to register the birth! As I said, I'm just trying to make sure he isn't legally able to take the baby from me at any time without consent. I think, but I'm no expert, that if he is not listed on the BC he doesn't have any parental responsibility. If he changes his mind in the future we can follow the legal route and arrange contact formally.

Thanks again all for your support. I have my scan on Wednesday and am really excited to discover the sex x

Ps. Thanks Reveal, that's encouraging

Good luck for your scan Hope. I'm pleased you've reached a decision on how you're going to handle things. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

As an aside for those harping on about men who don't want to be fathers being allowed to abdicate their responsibilities, the reason we don't allow that to happen has nothing to do with women having greater rights, and everything to do with the fact that the child - who has no say in any of it - is made up equally of two parents' genetic material and so has the right to be supported by two parents - preferably equally but in whatever way is reasonably practical. Even if that is unfair to the parents it doesn't matter because they are adults and a child is more vulnerable.

I don't have anything to add on the legal side, but just wanted to say congratulations op! You must be so excited about the scan. Are you finding out the sex?

OP, ignore those with their own agenda as to "the poor menfolk". You have to get it into your head from here on in that the baby that is on the way is YOURS. Your baby's father has shown spectacularly bad behaviour in deciding on having nothing to do with a baby that both you and him planned.
I would go to the CSA if I was you. However, if money is taken out of his wages, expect your baby's father to "expect" visitation rights. If you can do without all the hoo ha (not showing up for regular contact, etc, etc) don't go to the CSA. If you choose this option, then the onus is on you to live your life in a way that you will be able to provide for your child, without he/she having to hear any moaning from you as to lack of money from your ex. Most of my friends who "tried" with their errant "babyfathers" regret giving their babyfathers a space at the" head of the table". Instead of using age appropriate language to describe the fact that their kids' dads weren't into fatherhood, they cast the irregular Disney Dads as heroes and made rods for their own backs.
The friends ( and I) who trod the lonely path of gritted teeth and overwork are now okay (our kids are now grown). The others are still "attached" to their babyfathers and have shown various forms of undignified behaviour, competing with other women over the scraps of attention these awful men show their kids. Don't let that be you.

op

You are correct if he is not named on the birth certificate then he will not have PR

UNLESS

You and him sign a pr agreement /add him to the cert or he goes to court to obtain a pr court order or a residency order.