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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really sad that I can't find a way to talk to my dh about his almost total loss of libido.

30 replies

namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 07:22

Have name changed for obvious reasons. Yoni, naice ham etc etc...

Has anyone ever approached this subject successfully with their partner? If so how did you go about it?

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 07:25

Yoni, naice ham etc etc... ???

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 07:32

I thought that was the 'code' to prove you are a regular mumsnetter? Sorry if I have got that wrong.

OP posts:
MohammedLover · 15/09/2013 07:32

I hope the wise MN folk will put you straight. In the meantime Opra's website has some good offerings in the relationship section.

MohammedLover · 15/09/2013 07:34

I hope the wise MN folk will put you straight. In the meantime Opra's website has some good offerings in the relationship section.

comedycentral · 15/09/2013 07:37

Good morning. How long has it been going on for and are their any other issues?

MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 07:39

I don't think you need to prove you are a regular OP!
It's a hard subject to talk about especially if he has distanced himself emotionally too because it puts barriers up. Is he still affectionate towards you? I would grit my teeth and ask him. Just come straight out with it.

MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 07:43

This article is quite interesting OP

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 07:44

I would say about a year. His sex drive has never been as high as mine but it has always been great, brilliant brilliant!!! at the start then as we became more familiar and used to our relationship, work pressure etc it was good/brilliant.

We had lots and lots and lots of sex about 18 months ago in order to conceive our first baby. He has since been born and obviously our sex life has taken a bit of a dip. My concern I guess is his almost total loss of libido and well, Blush the change in his willy. It has not been properly hard for ages and last night was all a bit of a disaster.

I desperately want to speak to him about this in a way that is helpful. And not end up crying or shouting. He is a stereotypical male communicator. ie With things like this he would rather not. And I (and actually so does he, really, I am not putting pressure on him) so want to conceive our next baby.

We are both late thirties.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 15/09/2013 07:45

It sounds health related, MH or otherwise. He may feel like you. He will know this is an issue but maybe he just cant find the words.

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 07:51

We have spoken about it. He says he is tired.

He has, with my support, worked long, long hours almost everyday for the last four years.

He had a medical check at the doctor about nine months ago and his blood pressure was fine.

How can I persuade him to get himself back to the doctor and start taking some time off? And if it is due to tiredness then how much rest would you need to be rejuvenated?

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 07:58

So it's not libido (desire), it's physical.

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 08:02

It is both.

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 08:04

Sorry, I meant: So it's not his libido as in his desire, it's the physical side to it mainly?

MrsLouisTheroux · 15/09/2013 08:06

Xpost OP :( read up on it and try to talk.

comedycentral · 15/09/2013 08:20

I know it will be hard to talk about but this conversation needs to happen. Stress your concern for him x

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 08:24

I know I have to talk to him. But how can I put it so that I don't make him angry or embarrassed? Or both?

OP posts:
TwoStepsBeyond · 15/09/2013 08:55

If you can't talk in a matter of fact way about, which is a real shame given that he is your husband and the father of your DC, I would start by raising the 2nd baby point, ask if he's really on board with it, whether its making him feel pressured at all, because obviously he doesn't seem as 'into it' as you would have hoped.

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 09:02

I can talk to him in a matter of fact way. And he is most definitely on board, 100 per cent, about having a second baby. I just think that somebody somewhere must have already been through this and would be able to give me some pointers as to how to make the conversation easier.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 15/09/2013 10:28

I would focus on the long hours/exhaustion side of things without any mention of the sex/libido issue. If you can convince him to take a step back from his hours, then there could be multiple benefits - more time for the whole family, more time for you as a couple to reconnect, more time for him to rest. Pitch it as concern for him and the effect on his health and family time. Hopefully with some time, rest and some effort on the relationship side, the physical side will resurface too (date night is a pretty reliable source of reconnection for us, I know it's cheesy but worth every penny of babysitter money!)

I would really try and avoid mentioning anything about another child even if he wants one too. I think that could be really counterproductive and could breed resentment and unhappiness.

Sunnymeg · 15/09/2013 10:30

Any signs of diabetes?

Xiaoxiong · 15/09/2013 10:33

Meant to say I have had exactly this conversation with DH but with no mention of sex or libido. We agreed a monthly date night with a babysitter, and no work on Sundays including switching off blackberries (DH works a 6 day week so Sunday was his catch-up on work day before).

It made a big difference about 9 months ago - I am expecting DS2 in 12 days time Wink

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 10:37

If he is on board with the second baby, he needs to go back to the doctor and push the ED issue / sexual side, not just talk about tiredness and general health. As you are both late 30s, time is not on your side.

I agree about 'date night' - horrible yucky Cosmopolitan cliche as it is! It does work.

HatieKokpins · 15/09/2013 12:21

First of all, you need to suggest that he goes to the doctor and makes sure that there isn't a physical, medical problem causing the situation.

Secondly, you do need to talk this through properly, and that will be difficult, counselling helps. Have you been to Relate?

Gruntfuttock · 15/09/2013 12:27

Is he on any medication? If so, look up the side-effects.

Original poster
namechange2030 · 15/09/2013 17:14

Thank you everyone. And good luck with your new baby Xiao.

OP posts:
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