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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding present

108 replies

mirry2 · 14/09/2013 12:52

We went to a wedding 2 months ago. A month previous to this we bought a very generous present for the happy couple from their online wedding gift list at a well known department store. So far we haven't had a verbal or written thank you. Is this normal?

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 15/09/2013 16:00

Sorry chocolate but your excuse for not sending your thank you letters is at the top of my shit excuses list.

What will the guests gain from having a photo of you on their thank you card? They were there in the day, they saw you, they know what you looked like.

If you have already written this particular style of card then get a photo from another guest and use it.

Your guests will appreciate the actual words far more than what the card looks like.

It's another example of people thinking this kind of shit is important to other people- it really isn't- they just want to be thanked.

Chocolatehunter · 15/09/2013 16:09

Bear Our cards are written and were the week after the wedding. We simply don't have any photos from our wedding where we are both together and looking at the camera so we need our wedding photographs. Our photographer was supposed to take three weeks but has let us down. The cards are actually photograph pouches from marks and spencer's i thought they were proper cards when I bought them 9 months ago They have to have a photo or it would look odd. When people have been that generous to us I think the least we can do is send a heartfelt thank you and and a card that looks half decent.

georgedawes · 15/09/2013 16:09

It's rude to turn up with a cheap and tacky present if you can afford otherwise. Meanness is not an attractive quality and spending £15 having availed yourself of a three course meal and some free booze is pretty mean, particularly if it's a young couple setting up a life together.

I'd write that on your wedding invitations just so everyone is clear where they stand. With perhaps a link to this thread so your guests can tell us what they think

PosyNarker · 15/09/2013 16:19

georgedawes If you actually read either of my comments you'd see that I'm not having that type of wedding for myself

It's really not about what I 'expect' from others. I personally would not pitch up at a full wedding and give a cheap gift when I can well afford to give a decent present. If I didn't like somebody enough to fork out more than a few quid I'd not be going to their wedding.

georgedawes · 15/09/2013 16:25

I've read both of your comments and you've made it perfectly clear that you think it's 'rude' to buy a present of that value. I didn't link the cost of people's gifts for us when we got married to how much they like us, seems strange to me. You choose to get married, and you choose to invite others to spend it with you - why is it relevant how much they spend on a gift? It doesn't make you sound very nice.

Bearbehind · 15/09/2013 16:43

When people have been that generous to us I think the least we can do is send a heartfelt thank you and and a card that looks half decent.

I agree wholeheartedly chocolate but looking half decent does not require a photo- particularly if it results in a delay in thanking those generous guests.

As I said before- other people really don't give a shit about the detail like how nice the thank cards look- its the words that are important.

PrimalLass · 15/09/2013 18:57

Jeez am I the only one that doesn't want a thank you card for things? It it just something else to gather dust and go in the bin.

Flossie82 · 17/09/2013 12:04

£15 gift rude? I was surprised some of our guests spent more than £15 to £20 on us - would definitely not expect them to. Your choice to invite people to a party with expensive meal - gifts aren't supposed to be paying for the meal!

HorryIsUpduffed · 17/09/2013 12:31

When you haven't given a physical gift (eg you've paid for something on a JL list) it's nice to have a thank-you if only to confirm that it actually reached the B&G.

Panzee · 17/09/2013 12:47

Hooray! This thread has gone all Mumsnet Wedding Thread. Didn't take long really. :o

PrimalLass · 17/09/2013 12:52

When you haven't given a physical gift (eg you've paid for something on a JL list) it's nice to have a thank-you if only to confirm that it actually reached the B&G.

No I am still not fussed. It is still just a piece of paper that has to go in the recycling. I wonder how many trees would be 'saved' if we stopped sending thank you cards.

HatieKokpins · 17/09/2013 13:06

Traditionally - and I KNOW how much MN loves a good fucking wedding tradition - thank you cards contained wedding photographs as both a thank you gift to the guest, and a memento of the day. Traditionally, you also have 12 months to send a thank you card, as that's the amount of time you're still classed as "newly-weds". In the olden days, people had Other Things to do during their year long "honeymoon period" ... (also, photgraphy took a lot longer, historically).

Mine took three months. I'm not apologising - it took me an entire year to plan the fucking thing, and I wanted to not think about it for a while. If you only give gifts just to get something back in return (even if it's a bloody card), then you need to have a word with yourself. A gift, freely given, doesn't come with obligations.

Bearbehind · 17/09/2013 20:05

Wow hatie you sound an absolute treat.

Did you write a lovely little poem in your thank you cards saying that you make no apology for them taking 3 months because even you were bored of your own wedding by then and that if the only reason they had bothered buying you a present was to recieve a thank you then they shouldn't have bothered their arses?

No? I thought not.

I'd love it if your guests could see how truly ungrateful and self centred your comments make you sound.

HatieKokpins · 17/09/2013 21:28

Our card was a photo of us from after the wedding, and everyone got a lovely handwritten note to say thank you for the present, and say how we've enjoyed using it, and how much we appreciated both the gift and seeing the guests on the day.

And if you think I sound like a treat, you should go back and re-read some of the comments from the self-entitled judgy-bitches on the thread. I am glad none of the friends I had at my wedding are as cunty as some of the guests on here. Brides spend months, even years, planning their weddings, if a card means so much to you that you'd drop a friend over them taking a while to get one to you after one of the most stressful events in life, then you seriously need to have a word with yourself.

LaydeeC · 17/09/2013 22:14

Hatie, 'most stressful events in life' really? It was surely meant to be about the two of you deciding to spend the rest of your lives together and having those closest to you there whilst you made a public committment.
It's not a circus that needs a year to plan.
Divorce, now that's stressful
sheesh

HatieKokpins · 17/09/2013 22:49

Yes, stressful. And i used the term advisedly, not flippantly. Divorce is also stressful. More stressful, even. Getting married is actually the seventh most stressful life event on the Holmes Rahe stress scale: www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm after deaths, serious illnesses, jail terms, and of course, getting divorced.

You'd cut people slack after anything else on that list, now w

MrsMook · 18/09/2013 00:14

Ours were sent out within 3 days of the wedding. A lot was done in advance, like writing the envelopes, just a personal bit needed to be filled in, and the photo glued on (they were homemade). I'm not normally that organised, but we were going travelling for a few months, and if they weren't done then, they were never going to be.

It's been a mix with thankyous for weddings I've been to. I don't sit there and time how long it took for them to be sent. When one randomly turns up it's a "that's nice" reaction, and that's about it.

I never got round to formal thankyous after the Christening. Baby was weaning at the time and my life was dedicated to pulverising food then wiping it off the floor and baby. I never have had a formal thankyou following a Christening anyway. I think most people have other priorities then.

fatlazymummy · 18/09/2013 07:33

I don't feel the need for a written 'thank you' either, as long as the person has thanked me verbally. I don't need to be thanked twice.

Bearbehind · 18/09/2013 08:37

hatie no one has mentioned dropping friends over receiving a late thank you, just that they expected better.

I find your views on it truly shocking. Planning a wedding may be stressful but that is entirely dependent on how complicated you choose to make it.

To say you need 3 months away from it after the event to forget about it for a while reflects far more badly on you than any 'cunty guest' who attended your wedding and bought you a gift.

It is yet another example of bridezillas who think that their wedding is at the top of everyone else's list of priorities- it isn't.

Most guests turn up on the day, bring a present and expect some form of thank you for the gift-it's hardly a lot to ask is it?

HatieKokpins · 18/09/2013 09:58

"To say you need 3 months away from it after the event to forget about it for a while reflects far more badly on you than any 'cunty guest' who attended your wedding and bought you a gift"

I said it took three months to get them out, and I referred to some of the guests on this thread as cunty. You've not said anything to change my mind.

FWIW I do think it's rude not to send an acknowledgement to a wedding guest either for their gift, or their attendance. However, I also think it's rude to slag someone off on the internet for missing a "deadline" set by a guest else which is unknown to the bride and groom concerned.

Bearbehind · 18/09/2013 10:17

The bride and groom should be fully aware of the 'deadline' as it should just be an acceptable length of time from the wedding date.

Did you give your guests up to a year to RSVP? No? Well then you shouldn't quote up to a year to send out thank yous. I know people who have split up less than a year after the wedding!

I absolutely fail to see why thank you cards cannot be sent out within 2 weeks of returning from honeymoon and anyone who tries to justify a case for sending them later is simply trying to justify their ungrateful and rude actions.

I really am horrified that some brides think they deserve time to get away from it all straight after the wedding and think that is an acceptable excuse for delaying sending out thank yous. That excuse has just topped the 'waiting for a photo' one in the list if shit excuses for justifying shoddy behaviour,

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/09/2013 10:33

I got married on Saturday, ordered the thank you cards on yesterday, they take 2 weeks to be printed from vista print and then they will be written and sent.

I'm planning on sending one to everyone who attended and adding a personal note of thanks for gifts. The people who attended and didn't bring a gift should still be thanked for attending IMO, it's not cheap to attend a wedding, even when all the food and drink is provided.

kittykarate · 18/09/2013 11:00

Are you sure they know you gave the gift? I had a nightmare at my wedding because the store that had my list completely cocked up the delivery (it arrived in dribs and drabs over 3 months) and didn't actually tell me who bought what for all items. Combine that with a best man & husband who accepted gift cards and just shoved them in their suit pockets to be found 2 months later...

Yeah, my thank yous were not wonderful and tended to dwell on how wonderful it was to see them on the day as 50% of the time I had no clue if I had got a gift.

HatieKokpins · 18/09/2013 11:33

"Did you give your guests up to a year to RSVP? No?"

No, they got six months. And guess what? Some of them didn't RSVP (even though they were given addressed, stamped and personalised postcards in the invitation)! But still they turned up. But am I here slagging them off on the internet? No, actually, I'm not. Because I know they've got lives outside of MY wedding, and I was happy to see them regardless of a little slip of cardboard.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/09/2013 11:43

Yeah I had the same Hatie, and people who RSVPd and then didn't show up.

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