wedding present

[mirry2]

We went to a wedding 2 months ago. A month previous to this we bought a very generous present for the happy couple from their online wedding gift list at a well known department store. So far we haven't had a verbal or written thank you. Is this normal?

Our cards took a month from the wedding to arriving at our house to even begin writing them. Then I got depressed so didn't write them until the following spring. I just couldn't write them before that. Every time one of these threads comes up on MN i feel . I just couldn't.

If rather no thank you card than one which is grudged or forced or causes stress to the couple.
I wrote mine the day I came back from our honeymoon. My MIL stood over us till they were done

This pisses me right off. So many couples make up bullshit excuses like 'we had to chose the perfect photo for the card then get them printed' or 'we want to write a personal message in each card'

IMO the thank you's should be out 2 weeks after the wedding, especially if you asked for fucking cash! I mean how personal can you make a thank you for cash?

In my experience the worst offenders are the ones that were byidezillas beforehand as it continues to be all about them. You can bet they managed to issue their wedding lists/ requests for cash much more quickly!

My wedding was a month ago. Thank you cards were written the week after and posted within two. Actually, to three of the guests who had been particularly generous (and very helpful with help on the actual day) I went round with a thank you card and a bottle of wine the day after the wedding!

Mind you...I think manners in general have gone out of the window!

We didn't receive anything (card or present) off three couples we invited and quite a lot of the other couples gave us £15. Which given we spent £80 per couple on food/wine I found rather rude! (I know it's not about the money perse, but when these guests do have money, rock up without a present and then leave without saying thank you and then don't send a thank you card either, it does somewhat feel like they're taking the piss!) Fifteen years ago I was taking £60 to a wedding. How come some people now think £15 per couple is accceptable?!

Sorry, now I'm being rude!

OP - just check your card didn't go missing in the post. That's one of my biggest worries actually, that maybe a couple of mine have (which isn't that unlikely) and some of my guests think I'm the rude so and so who hasn't said thank you!)

Yes ocean you are being rude. Inviting people to your wedding should not be tit for tat. You chose to invite them, you chose to spend £80 per couple on food- why the fuck should you expect them to effectively re-imburse you for your costs- this attitude with weddings is absolutely disgraceful IMO. Guests generally spend an awful lot of money attending a wedding anyway (outfits, travel, accommodation, drinks etc) so the wedding present is another cost.

I really don't understand or agree with the mentality that guests should be honoured to be invited- the couple should be honoured that the guests want to attend and should absolutely not moan when the gifts they give (especially if you ask for fucking cash) are not in line with expectations.

Yep Ocean you're being very rude, you invite people to spend the day with you, you don't issue a summons expecting people to pay handsomely for the pleasure

It's always the ones that ask for cash that are so rude isn't it?

"rock up without a present"

Most people who attended our wedding didn't bring a present. I was just grateful they'd come to enjoy our day.

Yes, I know I was being rude. I guess I was just so overwhelmed by some of our guests who really couldn't afford it coming to spend the day with us and buying us a lovely (not necessarily ££, just lovely, thoughful) presents. And then there were those who really could afford it who just didn't bother.

Oh. And fyi, we didn't ask for cash! In fact, we didn't actually ask for anything, we didn't have a gift list.

Has made me wonder though (for me as a guest I mean!) Serious question. if you attend a wedding and have a meal and free drinks, surely you would take a present of more than £15?? Personally, I like to take enough to cover the cost of the two meals and drinks and then enough left over for a nice present for the couple. (and no, I'm by no means loaded) I just think it's polite. You're right. Going to a wedding is expensive. But when I work out if I can afford to go, I factor in a decent present.

It's like going round to someone's house for a meal and turning up empty handed, surely? Just not the done thing!

Although the tradition is for the bride to write all the thank-yous (on the assumption that the groom goes back to work and she sits in their naice new house surrounded by all the gifts with nothing better to do because they aren't dusty yet) DH and I agreed that we'd each do our own side's thank-yous, with a few urgent exceptions that I'd do. Mine went out within a month or so ... some of DH's friends are still waiting nine years later.

Brides who say "you cost us £80 and you only gave us £15" need to have a look at WHY THE FUCK THEY GOT MARRIED. If it was just for the gifts, we can put you in contact with a good divorce lawyer. We could afford £60 five or ten years ago; two DC and an international credit crunch later, £15 feels like a stretch, particularly since we are more likely to have needed to pay significant petrol/babysitting/hotel costs to attend at all.

I went to a wedding abroad and didn't take a present. I didn't (and don't) think that was rude but others may disagree!

You did still tot up what people bought you which isn't right, is it?

I don't think I would ordinarily go to a wedding and not buy a present but I certainly don't think you have to cover your meal costs - it's up to the bride and groom to pay for the day they want, not me. It's an invitation - yes I'd take a bottle of wine to a meal, but I doubt that covers what the meal costs? It's just a nice gesture.

Going to a wedding costs a fortune for most people - outfits; drinks; travel; hotel/taxi, maybe a babysitter (not to mention hen/stag dos). And that is before a present is bought! Easily hundreds of pounds. Expecting a gift of at least a hundred pounds on top of that is really, really rude.

Many didn't turn up empty handed though ocean, they gave you £15? And those that gave you nothing probably did so for a reason.

They might think it was all you deserved and TBH if you expressed similar views to them as you have here, I really don't blame them- its £15 more than you deserve.

You don't invite people to your wedding to increase your wedding present/ cash haul. You clearly did expect gifts from everyone despite not having a list so stop kidding yourself that its ok because you didn't ask for things.

People generally give what they can afford and they think is appropriate. In your situation, I would be questioning my own actions far more than the actions of others

I think this might have to do with how you've been brought up Ocean.
I was taught to write thank you notes and choose thoughtful presents/never turn up empty handed.
However, I was also taught that spending a lot of money on presents is not the done thing at all and it's really pretty tasteless to spend £££
Personally, I don't care what people do, but that's the way I was brought up.

Ocean I don't think you are being particularly rude to be honest. It is rude for someone with a full invitation to rock up with a £15 gift unless there's a good reason.

Obviously if the person is on a limited income then that's different.

Traditional weddings are a minefield which is why we're trying to come up with a compromise for our own It's a lovely to have the view I see on Mumsnet that everyone is an honoured guest and you should be glad they turned up etc., but the reality I see is more like: cousin Flossie who's a demon with the drink is invited because otherwise Auntie Pat would have a big falling out with MIL if she wasn't and if you don't invite your DP's pita uncle your can't invite your own

Can you tell I'm having bother organising my wedding

It is rude for someone with a full invitation to rock up with a £15 gift unless there's a good reason.

Why is it rude?
Why not sell tickets instead if it means that much to you?
Who decides what the good reason is?
Why do guests have to justify their financial situation to you?

It is an invitation not a summons. I'm not sure when expensive gifts became obligatory!

Going to a wedding costs me a fortune, last one we went to the drinks were £7+ each. It's self centred in the extreme to expect expensive presents on top of all the other costs.

I've said it before: we need a bridezilla topic on mumsnet.

I'm shocked at Ocean's suggestion that the present should cover the cost of the guest's meal and more. It would never occur to me to compare the two. I would probably give/spend about £20-30 but I would have no idea what the meal cost and wouldn't see it as relevant. And if a bride turned up at my house unexpectedly to thank me for my help or present the day after her wedding, I'd be thinking WTF because I'd expect the couple to be on honeymoon or enjoying a special time together, not writing thank you notes and visiting friends.

Mirry2, I think I'd give the couple a bit longer before assuming they're not sending acknowledgements.

If the gift is to cover the costs, then why is it the guests don't have a say in what the costs are? Also, in the weddings where the parents of the couple getting married are paying, why shouldn't the parents get the present?

Yes I agree Imperial, I'll cover my costs if I get to decide where the reception is and what the meal consists of!

It's that idea that it is a privilege to share the bride's special day that really grates on me. No one gives a shit really and quite frankly most people have better things to spend their money on!

Blinmey nosey good luck with your wedding if that's you attitude.

Why is it rude to turn up to a full day wedding and only give £15?

If you don't like Aunt Flossie, she probably doesn't like you. You might feel obliged to invite her but that doesn't mean she'll feel obliged to spend £££ on you.

The sooner couples realise that very few people, other than them, really give a shit about their wedding, the easier the wedding planning becomes.

The thing that screams out to me about someone complaining about a 15 pound gift is just the utter sheer me me me attitude that some have about weddings.

We didn't have a gift list and said we didn't need gifts - we had all the stuff someone would need and were going to buy a doer upper after the wedding. I'd hate to think my guests didn't have a good time.

I just don't get the bridezilla attitude I mean to quantify your guests by how much you spend on them - I mean if you have to do this why not just elope? Ah no but you won't because you are a material girl!!!

I've never thought of trying to cover the cost of the wedding meal with my present - if I had had to do that, I wouldn't have gone to any weddings, hardly!

I don't think anyone I know thinks like that either.

Mind you, I often think that the people I know would be heavily castigated by the MN weddingnazis - because most of them have evening only guests, have wedding lists, and some have asked for money. It's all perfectly normal among the friends and acquaintance I have! (And I've been to quite a few, in different circles of friends)

I would rather be invited to the evening do of a friend's wedding than not have an invitation at all because they had to limit numbers to only those they could afford to have all day.
I love wedding lists to give me guidance without having to bother the bride or her parents for info; I do occasionally go "off list" but only when there's nothing on the list I can afford (has happened a couple of times).
I have no issue with giving money if that's what the couple have asked for (although I DO take issue with Ocean's idea that it should be enough to cover the meal cost!)

Bear This is one of the many reasons why I am not having the big white wedding. I don't want to pay for people I don't otherwise see to eat, drink and be merry when frankly, I'd rather save the money and replace my car, but that's me.

I am old enough and we are paying for it ourselves so I actually don't care if people get pissed off because I don't invite someone I don't like and who - you are probably quite right - doesn't like me. I know plenty of people for whom that's not the case.

It's rude to turn up with a cheap and tacky present if you can afford otherwise. Meanness is not an attractive quality and spending £15 having availed yourself of a three course meal and some free booze is pretty mean, particularly if it's a young couple setting up a life together. (If it's wedding number 3 that's a bit different).

I got married 6 weeks ago and have written out all of the thank you cards but they are cards that are specifically designed to include a photograph, which we don't have so I can't post the cards. Our wedding photographer was an absolute horror on the day, refused to take any formal photos of us and has cited family problems as to why we haven't had our photos back in the 3 weeks our signed contract said we would but that's another story. I am cringing with embarrassment about the amount of time it's taking us to get our cards out and have phoned our relatives to say thank you over the phone but it's not the same. Plus we had cards and money from people who's phone number i don't have. I suppose I'm asking you to go easy on this bride because there are sometimes other reasons for impoliteness.

I'm going to a wedding in March next year, I'm accompanying my friend who is the groom's aunt, this will be my first wedding in over 18 years, and as a single parent on disability benefits, even a gift of £15 will be a stretch.

I was thinking along the lines of a nice photo frame, I would hate for them to be thinking that wasn't good enough, although knowing them as I do, I don't think they will.

Only on mumsnet have I ever seen this attitude that the gift must match the cost of the meal. I should have mentioned that to XMIL when all they gave us, from them and the rest of XH's family (aunt, uncle, cousins, brother, sister, BIL and nephew) was an electric screwdriver!

We didn't ask for gifts or money or anything. We wanted to be married and celebrate. However we received the most generous gifts and are so grateful for them, more importantly we had a fab day and everyone seems to have enjoyed too. Nobody should feel that their gift isn't going to be enough or isn't appreciated. We received £100 from three of our aunts and uncles and more than anything we felt shock and embarrassment because we don't get the chance to see them enough and thought they had been overwhelmingly generous. We also received £15 from a close friend and her dp who are just moving in together in London after retraining and not earning any money for the past year. That was also embarrassingly generous because we never expected or asked for a thing (and had actively told our guests not to bring anything). Oh and by the way, we had a big wedding in a castle. Not everyone who has a big wedding in a grand place is a money grabber.

nosy I'd love to hear your justification for why exactly it is rude to not spend more than £15 on a present just because you can afford to spend more.

Why should someone who is wealthy, give you some of their wealth?

If you have provided a 3 course meal- that's your choice. If you have had a free bar all day- that's also your choice (and more fool you).

Judging the size of a gift by the person givings perceived wealth is pretty vulgar.