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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A moan

116 replies

coppered · 14/09/2013 08:30

Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works!

OP posts:

mumofboyo · 14/09/2013 08:42

I think you're letting him get away with it.

Leave your son with him for a while, without prior warning or preparation. Just go. For a couple of hours. Then come back and moan about the state of the house and the fact that your dinner's not ready. Then, after having a jolly half hour playing with your son, go upstairs and sleep, leaving your husband to it.

When he moans, tell him that this is what you have to put up with. And that now he knows how hard it actually is, he should be willing to do more. You know, to do his bit. If he won't, consider leaving him.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 14/09/2013 08:43

I think you should cook some tea too.

Justshabbynochic · 14/09/2013 08:51

On a Sunday, hand over DS and happily declare it's bonding hour for he and baby.

Get thee to the kitchen, turn on the radio, make a massive pot of bolognaise, chilli con carne, stew, casserole, etc. Cool, throw in tubs, and freeze.

During the week, take out tub, defrost, heat. Throw on some pasta, rice, etc.

Win, win. You get a break, he gets his tea.

pianodoodle · 14/09/2013 09:04

Can only speak for myself here that isn't my DH's attitude and if it were we'd be having serious words!

We both do our best - he works 9-5, I look after DD then work a few evenings a week.

I do as much as humanly possible during the day to make life easier for us at evenings/weekends. When he gets home, he baths DD while I wash up from dinner etc...

Working together when we're both here means more free time for everyone in that by the time DD is in bed we have our evening free with no more chores/clearing up to do!

This morning he got DD up and breakfasted before waking me. There's no mentality of any one thing being the other's sole responsibility by default when we're both at home.

He changed all DD's nappies on paternity leave as he felt I was spending enough time on breast feeding etc...

He got up at night to help if needed and went to work the next day.

Not saying he (or I) are some perfect couple but I think it's important to respect what the other does and your DH isn't doing that.

MortifiedAdams · 14/09/2013 09:08

When I was on Mat Leave, dh would get in at 5.30 anx do the bath bottle bed routine while I cooked dinner. Would that work for you?

I am astounded and angry on your behalf that has never done a nappy or a bath. Why are you letting him get away wirh this?

pianodoodle · 14/09/2013 09:09

P.s coming into winter I'll be mostly chucking meat and veg in the slow cooker in the mornings and then tea's ready whenever :)

CaptainSweatPants · 14/09/2013 09:10

Sorry to be harsh but if you had older kids you'd be doing the school run, cooking them meals & looking after your ds

It doesn't take much to shove a chicken in the oven, boil some spuds & veg in time for him to be home

It's crap he doesn't sleep in your bed though & he's moaning at you

Ledkr · 14/09/2013 09:11

No not ALL men are like this but some are especially if you let then get away with it.
He needs to have ds on his own a bit (quite normal) to appreciate how hard it is.
I also think if you have time to cook for both of you then do but he shouldn't get annoyed if you don't.
I cook on my days off because I want to eat and I enjoy it but I don't feel response suble for another grown adults nutrition at all. He has arms and legs doesn't he?
He can cook his own dinner if you have no time.

Coconutty · 14/09/2013 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JerseySpud · 14/09/2013 09:15

If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 14/09/2013 09:16

Sorry but I think you are as bad as each other, if you are at home and he is working, then you should cook supper and do the daily housework etc. But, he should also look after the baby and take his turn changing nappies and bathing.
It sounds like you need to sit down and discuss it amicably, you've had a huge change in your lives with the baby arriving six months ago - but time now to take stock together and work out how you are going to do things.

MortifiedAdams · 14/09/2013 09:17

Depends what time you have dinner though. DH and I have never been the type to eat as soon as we walk through the door. We eat around 7.30, so no point cooking to have a meal ready for 5.30 that neither of us will want to eat.

You could cook weekdays and he could cook weekends?

Morgause · 14/09/2013 09:18

Have to agree, you should be cooking his dinner. I used to do the preparation when the DCs were napping.

He should help out at night more, though, especially weekends.

Have a look at your day to see where the time goes, as has been said you could have a lot more to do than you have and will soon as DC gets older.

RobotHamster · 14/09/2013 09:21

I'd go out for the day. Now.

Selfish idiot. Why the hell doesnt he do nappies? When DP is at home he does ALL the nappy changes, on the basis that that's still nowhere near half of then. I do generally sort dinner, but he's often not back before 7pm any and he does all the cleaning up.afterwards. he also does half the night feeds.

Just because you're on mat leave doesn't make you his personal skivvy.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/09/2013 09:28

I see two sides here, firstly you should be cooking his dinner, as after all he isn't in to prepare it himself and he has been out all day.

But secondly he should put your ds to bed or help out on his days off, for example help with bedtime/bath
& cook a meal on one of those days.

I would get annoyed at him assuming i do nothing, that isn't on at all!
But you should have time to make a simple dinner.

It's about give and take, yes he works but you need a break too, like he does when he lies on the sofa napping. You should be getting a rest on one of his days off.

pianodoodle · 14/09/2013 09:28

*If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing*

No she hasn't always cooked dinner that doesn't mean she has done nothing!

pianodoodle · 14/09/2013 09:28

*If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing*

No she hasn't always cooked dinner that doesn't mean she has done nothing!

MortifiedAdams · 14/09/2013 09:33

Being off on Mat Leave isnt 'doing nothing'. Housework. Trip to the park. A playgroup or baby class. Add in two tea breaks and a lunchbreak (as her dh has), and thats almost a full day.

Ledkr · 14/09/2013 09:36

I can't believe how many of you think it's a Sahm job to cook dinner. Yes it's nice and most of us do it but its not anyone's "duty" to feed another able bodied adult.
How very old fashioned.

MortifiedAdams · 14/09/2013 09:37

Also, what happens when both adults are working - who cooks then?

"well, ive been at work all day"
"so have I"
"so have I" etc.

RobotHamster · 14/09/2013 09:38

Yy,and it would be one thing if that's all he was moaning about, but it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight at all.

Does he ever have to look after the baby? Do you ever get time to yourself OP?

FreeWee · 14/09/2013 09:40

I do love the fact men think when you're at home all day you're sitting around watching day time TV, in your PJs, eating cake and drinking loads of cups of tea. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN once you have children (OK maybe when they're 16/18/21!)

Looking after a 6 month old is time consuming. When you're not milk feeding you're weaning, getting them to sleep, getting them dressed/washed/creamed, changing their bum, washing up their bowls & spoons and turning the bomb site back into your dining area, refreshing the stuff in the change bag, emptying pooey bins, washing clothes, hanging them up, ironing them, cleaning the house, preparing their next meal/activity etc. And all that is as well as keeping them safe, happy, playing with them, teaching them things etc! Yep. You've got loads of time to prepare meals for him! I would ask your DH when do I get time off?

I'm lucky as my DH does nappies, baths and cooks all our meals and prepares all our DDs meals which are frozen and I just defrost. In turn I look after her all day and once she's in bed I get my night until the dream feed. I do the cleaning, washing, ironing and household budgeting in my 'free time' so not all night to myself! Also my DH and I take it in turns to go into her if she wakes in the night so one of us always gets a better nights sleep than the other each night so we're not both frazzled or more likely I'm not completely frazzled!

My DD doesn't nap that much during the day so I'm always on duty and never get much chance to prepare things during the day. In her morning nap I have a shower and breakfast then at lunch I make lunch and clear up her lunch stuff then she's pretty much up again! Tell your DH he's had it good so far and to start pulling his weight. It's his child too and it doesn't sound like his life has changed that much since becoming a parent. It should have done.

hulahooper2 · 14/09/2013 09:43

can't see why you have a problem with making dinner , but as suggested cook ahead and freeze , or buy a slow cooker.

hulahooper2 · 14/09/2013 09:43

can't see why you have a problem with making dinner , but as suggested cook ahead and freeze , or buy a slow cooker.

Ledkr · 14/09/2013 09:45

What if the op can't cook it doesn't like cooking should she still cook then?
Especially as he doesn't help with the baby why should she feed him he's not a child?

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