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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A moan

116 replies

coppered · 14/09/2013 08:30

Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works!

OP posts:

BooCanary · 15/09/2013 17:45

Apart from when I've been ill, or if the DCs have been ill, I can't think of a time I haven't cooked tea when I've been home in the day and DH has been in work.

However, that's because I prefer it that way, it means we have more time in the evening, I'd rather DH spent his time bathing the DCs than cooking, I enjoy it, and because I am a control freak. However if DH ever told me it was my JOB to cook the dinner, he'd be wearing it on his fucking head!

OP, I think you need to work out whether your DH is merely ignorant about how you spend your time, or if he is just a complete fuckwit. If I were you, I'd sit him down and tell him you are completely happy to cook the tea every single night, and you will do so whilst he is bathing and playing with DS. You will ensure it is ready for him WHEN he comes down from settling DS.

Topseyt · 15/09/2013 18:14

Your husband seems to have little or no understanding of how much work it is to look after a baby, even one who is 6 months old. There seems to be no teamwork there at all. He needs to understand that maternity leave is NOT a holiday. It is hard work.

That said though, I think you both need to compromise a bit.

I am a SAHM. I cook dinner. However, when my children were very young I struggled a lot more than I do now. It is true though that when/if you eventually have an toddler and another baby you will have to adapt your routines to allow you to prepare meals for them (and for you and your husband) during the day. It won't/can't work otherwise. I was lucky in that whilst my kids were babies my husband's employer was still providing a free canteen for staff (they have closed it since, sadly) so he had a hot meal there in the middle of the day, leaving me with only myself and the kids to feed. I would do some prepping whilst baby slept, if I could. Then it would be bunged into the oven or whatever later. I'm not perfect though. Sometimes they just ended up with beans on toast, but so what!? You could do similar perhaps.

It would be far better if he would be willing to look after the baby in the evening whilst you finish cooking the dinner and he needs to see this. If you are bottle feeding he could feed and then soon afterwards change a nappy. If he starts pulling his weight more with regard to looking after the baby, then and only then can he be properly qualified to pass any judgment about you.

At least get him doing the odd nappy etc. at weekends. It won't harm him. At worst it is only a bit of poo.

Jan49 · 15/09/2013 18:35

Gosh, when I was SAHM with a 6 month old baby, it was exhausting and if someone had suggested to me that I should have plenty of time to do dinner every night, I'd have assumed they didn't have dc or had forgotten what it was like or had a lot of help. My ds's dad and I took turns at cooking dinner. I suppose if I'd had another child I'd have had to cope somehow but probably wouldn't have done it very well. I certainly wouldn't want to cook dinner for a partner who didn't do any nappy changes and thought I did nothing all day.

DameFanny · 15/09/2013 19:42

I think this is a good point to state that DS was a busy baby - bored from about 2 weeks and unless asleep or BFing needing constant watching and/or distraction.

I thought I was a inadequate mother. Never napped when he did - to much other stuff to do. I really thought it was me.

Then my post natal group came round and saw him on his home turf, and to a woman said they didn't know how I coped. He was about 9 months at that point and I'd been back to work 3 days a week for 4 months and really appreciating the break.

He was getting on for 6 when he would amuse himself for more than 10 minutes at a time without another child there.

He has no sibling.

JRmumma · 15/09/2013 19:54

I'm currently on mat leave with a 5 week old. 6 weeks ago if you'd have asked me if i would be preparing a meal for me and dh every day id have said 'of course, why not?'. Ask me now and ill tell you that i have no idea what we will eat once the meals that i prepared and froze before the baby came run out!

My current high achieving days are where i find time to get dressed before lunch!

Your dh clearly has no idea how much work it is to take care of a baby

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/09/2013 20:06

I don't see why being at home means you have to cook dinner every night.

When I was on maternity leave we took turns to cook dinner, we still do. DS was one of these babies who hated me doing anything else so I rarely got a chance to cook. Plus we don't eat the minute DH walks through the door.

Your DH needs to step up and start taking care of your baby. He's a Dad, that means changing nappies and bathing. Not just doing the fun stuff. My DH comes home and baths DS every night, that's their time together.

You should be a team. Stop letting him get away with it.

Original poster

coppered · 16/09/2013 11:18

It wasn't so much about who cooks tea. It was really DH thinking I do nothing all day but sit around. And that when comes home he should be excepted to do nothing.

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 16/09/2013 11:22

You need to go out for a whole day and leave him with the baby plus a list of other things to get done - ideally stuff you normally get done on an average day :)

SlobAtHome · 16/09/2013 11:27

YAbothBU

Agree you should be the one making the dinner. A 6 month old is a doddle.

Agree he should be doing bed time routines. You shouldn't have to do all baby things.

If you were both working you would split all household chores equally and all remaining childcare (after nursery/childminder) equally, but as you are at home all day you should do the house day things - this includes dinner) and he should do his own job.

After that home things are split equally again.

If you do no/little housework during the day and don't make dinner then I think you are being lazy. 6 month olds don't take every waking second of your time. Wait til they are a clingy toddler!

SlobAtHome · 16/09/2013 11:29

JR - that is a 5 week old though. You are only 5 weeks after birth.

OP had a 6 month old. Very different.

SlobAtHome · 16/09/2013 11:30

Though a man that did nothing with his child would not be in my home for long!

RobotHamster · 16/09/2013 11:59

RTFT. OP has said it's not about the dinner, it's about her husband not doing anything in the house and thinking she does nothing all day. jeez...

Thurlow · 16/09/2013 11:59

It's been said plenty of times on this thread: your DH needs to find out what it is like looking after a baby all day on your own. If possible, you need to leave him alone to look after the baby for the better part of a day so he can see the reality.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but a parent who is in at least one day a week, and presumably some evenings as well - if he hasn't got involved with doing anything with the baby by now... Why not? Why are you letting him have that whole Sunday off? Why aren't you making him do the bathtime and bedtime routine?

It's his son too. He has to pull his weight. And if he's not been so far, then step one is that you need to explain to him, calmly and rationally, that he has to start doing more.

purrpurr · 16/09/2013 14:46

So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point. Mine is 4 months and still eats and sleeps like a newborn. Far from making dinner for my DH every night, he makes me lunch every morning before he leaves or I would starve. Babies are different. I can't believe how readily parents will patronise the Op by saying a six month old is a doddle. How can you possibly know what the Op's baby is like?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/09/2013 10:35

So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point

This!

So bloody patronising to suggest that they all get easier. Mine didn't.

comingalongnicely · 17/09/2013 10:51

Whoever gets home first cooks tea.

In this case, that's the OP. Any other time it should be the DH.

It's not unreasonable to "expect" that the person who has been in the house, next to the ingredients & cooking equipment might have used them while you've been out. He should take the kids as soon as he's got in & changed though, and should deffo pull his weight more when he's there.

OP should make Saturday her day to go out & chill while he bonds with DC if he want's Sundays.... (But he should still knock up a nice Sunday Roast)...

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