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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A moan

116 replies

coppered · 14/09/2013 08:30

Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works! Confused

OP posts:
Ledkr · 15/09/2013 16:45

Yeah come on girls get a grip, leave your babies to cry in misery and spend your days chained to the kitchen batch fucking cooking instead of enjoying your maternity leave, feed your menfolk for gods sake don't you know they will starve or leave you if you don't see to their nutritional requirements

Ffs it's not the 1940s you know!

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2013 16:49

He has never changed a nappy, bathed the baby and sleeps in a separate room to ensure he gets a good night's sleep!!! What a lazy, selfish, arrogant arse.

Listening to some of the Step for wives on here I am seriously worried about childless men. Maybe they starve of an evening because they don't have little wifey "cobbling" something together for him.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 16:55

Yes but he is married, he's married to someone who is at home for as many hours a day as she wants or needs to be, unlike him. he goes If they both worked then of course I would not be saying that, but he does, she doesn't, and there is only one six month old child - not a house of marauding toddlers a school run to do, and a small home business to run FFS. This is nothing to do with gender roles or being stuck in the 50's it's about a fair and even distribution of the practical chores. I couldn't give a stuff whether it's the man or the woman who cooks or looks after the baby or whether neither of them look after their own child, pay someone else and live on M&S ready meals 7 days a week.

The fact is, the OP is able to prep something to eat at some point in the day, she's able to get it in the oven without having to dash in after a commute and immediately start slaving over the stove. Her DH isn't.

All this 'little man takes up my whole day' nonsense, well yes, they will do that, if you let them, a bit like MN really Grin but are we seriously to believe that looking after one baby is so demanding that you can't be expected to do knock up a bit of dinner as well? In between sitting in Starbucks with a baby on my knee, chatting to all my mummy mates, or going to Musical Baby Einsteins or whatever, and watching a bit of shit daytime telly? Confused

Because I'll tell you what, if that's the case, I must have been some fucking kind of superwoman. Go me.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 16:57

Ok I accept the stuff about the bath/nappies/sleeping is odd and rather selfish, but I think if you are a SAHM and your DH doesn't go out at 8am and waltz in at 4pm then you should get the bloody dinner on, 9 times out of 10.

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 16:59

Do how about him not helping then? I'd that ok or is it just the op who has to be thoughtful and care about her partner.
He has NEVER changed a nappy, he sleeps in another room so he isn't disturbed fgs.
There'd be no man on this earth who'd treat me this way and get fucking dinner cooked!

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:00

And it's not a question of DH being too tired to move another muscle (although at times that has been true, as it has been for me at times.) It's because DH was not there all day and if I waited for him to start prepping and cooking after he'd got in and got his suit off we'd all be eating at midnight!

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 17:02

X post there but I still disagree.
It's a Sahm job to look after the child not the other partner.
Most people can and will manage to cook some good but shouldn't be expected to or moaned at if its not done.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:04

Admittedly I did not see that bit in the OP at first Blush I read up to

What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.

here, and just thought WTF? And posted on impulse. Confused

Sorry - my fault. He doesn't sound great I admit, but I still REALLY REALLY do think it's the SAHP's job to cook the dinner.

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 17:05

I cook on my days off cos I like to and we all need to eat but if I'm out or busy or can't be arsed I don't feel it's my duty.
I hardly cooked in the school holidays cos we were at the pool or beach until 7. Dh would to ring me and either join us after work or get something on for when we came home.
It's a partnership.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:07

It's not about 'looking after' the other partner, it's about accepting that your day will be rather more flexible than theirs, and part of being based at home every day means that certain household roles will inevitably fall to you. Not all of it, all of the time, but most of it. Of course you are there primarily to care for the child but that does not take up all day every day. It just doesn't. I know it doesn't. (serious SNs excluded before anyone starts on that old chestnut.) If it did we'd all have slit our own wrists long ago.

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2013 17:07

Yeah, yeah doesn't matter how fucking miserable and exhausted a new mum is so long as her DH gets fed the minute he walks through the door then everything is A ok.

pianodoodle · 15/09/2013 17:08

piano you do know that wasn't me who said that don't you? As if

Lol yes I was quoting sublimina's post :)

MmmmWhiteWine · 15/09/2013 17:15

I expect to be flamed for this but the comments that the OP can't cook dinner because she's so busy with her baby are ridiculous. What will she do if she ever has another baby? Will the older children not eat? Not get taken to school? Yes, it's hard work looking after a newborn but life goes on and you don't need to be with them to the exclusion of all else 24/7.....let them nap/lie on a mat/whatever while you make something quick and easy for tea, at least a few nights a week.

Having said all that the OP does need to give her DH a kick up the backside and get him changing nappies and doing bathtubs.

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2013 17:20

MmmmWhiteWine - I think you'll find most posters on here have a couple of kids and know the difficulties faced. However, it doesn't mean that her lazy arse husband should expect to be waited on hand and foot. He can (and should) cook dinner a few nights a week as it won't bloody kill him, oh, and he can pull his weight with his own child too.

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 17:22

Yes but it's about the ops dh getting pissed off when she's not cooked for him especially as he dies fuck all to help her with their child.
My dh has just suggested the op cooks dinner in the evening after handing over the baby to her dh.
It's not about be able to cook its about being expected to!

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 17:24

Hands up who cooks dinner after a day at work?
Cos I do and so does dh.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:25

And as far as her job not being to 'look after him' goes - how would we feel if he came in, said 'don't worry love, I know you've been busy, I'll sort myself out' and cooked his own tea, and didn't cook her any? I can't imagine that would go down too well would it?

So she doesn't have to 'look after' him because she's busy with a baby, but unless she's prepared to starve all evening presumably she'd quite like him to look after her? God forbid he should sort himself out and leave her to fend for herself. Hmm

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:25

The simple fact is the one with the most time at home, most days, should be the one to cook for the other. And in this case it would appear to be her.

MmmmWhiteWine · 15/09/2013 17:26

Er,Crackfox, think that's pretty much what is said....

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2013 17:26

I think the Op should go back to work as soon as her maternity leave is over. Marriages to sexist pigs never celebrates their 25th wedding anniversaries nowadays.

Cluffyflump · 15/09/2013 17:26

I wouldn't feel like cooking for someone who treats me like shit.

MmmmWhiteWine · 15/09/2013 17:27

Sorry...that's pretty much what I said...

Romann · 15/09/2013 17:28

Why's everyone focusing on who cooks the dinner? The problem seems to be that OP feels like she's being treated like a doormat, but isn't quite sure whether it's appropriate to object. I don't see any rights and wrongs about who cooks dinner, but it seems to me that her H showing an interest in the baby and doing some fatherly tasks in the evening would make a big difference.

OP you need to talk to him and tell him you're not happy with the situation and to try to understand how he really feels about it.

Some dads don't really get it, especially with babies. My dh used to hand me ds1 as soon as he started crying. Like I wanted to be the one always having to deal with the crying baby Confused . By ds3 he had improved to perfection Grin

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 17:30

Can't argue with that Romann but the OP was very focused on the cooking thing and how she can't possibly be expected to fit it into her schedule.

MummyBeerest · 15/09/2013 17:40

I think I'd talk to my husband, tell him I feel overwhelmed, and try to brainstorm ideas (though batch cooking is a flipping godsend for us,) to make the day a little easier for everyone.

Communication should be key. Talking instead of "moaning" goes over a lot better in these situations.