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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pass things on for free?

122 replies

amistoopid · 12/09/2013 16:29

Name change!

Work mate has been cornering me for weeks to arrange to come over so that she can pass on some books her kids are too old for. She dropped them off last night while I was out and a bemused DH phoned me soon after to say that she was expecting money for them...Thinking he had the wrong end of the stick I sent her a message to say thank you, do you want anything for them? Message came back 'some of them were quite expensive but give me what you think.'

So now what do I do?? There are about 5 large reference type books- how things work, that sort of thing, and 15 paperbacks- Diary of a Wimpy Kid type books...Normally when I pass things on to friends I expect nothing and am delighted with a bottle of wine. Likewise if someone gives me a hand-me-down I give them wine or chocolates or something...

It doesn't sit well with me that this friend has given me these books intending for me to pay! Had she said 'I'm going to e-bay these but will give you first dibs- I'm looking for x-amount for them' then I'd have known where I stood - I neither wanted or asked for these books- they were offered! They were a gift I thought! While they are very nice books and my kids like them, again they are not short of books and I wasn't looking to BUY them any more!

I know I'm over a barrel here and will pay up and put it own to experience...but how much?? 20 quid? Will check responses after work!

OP posts:
fuckwittery · 12/09/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 20:19

I know expat...I can't be bothered with the confrontation...she's not a close enough friend for me to feel comfortable being blunt back to, you know- friends in work but don't make the effort out of work. I'll go with your suggestion of a fiver but will add a bottle of cheap wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 20:22

It won't happen again. I know now, forewarned is forearmed and all that! Next time I will be blunt, she'll probably try someone else though! Glad to see I'm not the only one to have fallen for this type of scam from comments up thread!

OP posts:
dedado · 12/09/2013 20:38

If you give her money she'll think you're happy buying her old gear and will do it again and it'll be harder to stop it later. Far better to return them now. Far easier to be honest now, you don't want to buy them / the kids already have similar etc.

And she's not any level of friend to want money for stuff after dropping it off, not when being discussed. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you not assertive at work?

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 20:44

TELL her, by text since you don't like confrontation, a fiver. No fucking bottle of wine.

AdmiralData · 12/09/2013 20:46

I had the same problem. A friend of a friend was pregnant at the same time as me but gave birth 3 months earlier, she knows me and her mum always shops in my area and whenever I saw her she would say 'Ooh 'Karen' has LOADS of clothes to give you for baby Data, I will pop them down soon!' I thought wow, fairplay that is generous! I heard this speech for a few months and then got a text from 'Karen' saying 'Can I pop the clothes down now as I need the twenty pounds and I've run out of space?' {hmm} I would have given her something but the implication was that they were free, what really pissed me off was having a half full bag of stained baby vests and there was a sanitary towel stuck to the bottom of the bag ... I was royally pissed to say the least. YADNBU to pass things off for free and to expect things to actually BE FREE unless payment is discussed.

Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 20:47

No self-esteem problems, fab department to work in and ironically I am her senior by quite some way! I paraphrased my text to her in this post- I actually said something along the lines of 'kids are chuffed with the books, thank you. Do you want anything for them?' I can't now say they don't want them...only way to go as others have suggested is to say 'I misunderstood, I thought you were giving them away, not selling them.' But I can't...!...and not because of poor self esteem- just too polite and non confrontational!

OP posts:
Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 20:50

Thinking I should be sending expat the bottle of wine for 'having my' proverbial cyber 'back'! Fiver it is....

OP posts:
ScottishInSwitzerland · 12/09/2013 20:52

I would do the same as you ami
I guess you shouldn't have asked if she wanted anything for them. But if it was me that would have been a rhetorical question and just politeness! Hard to know what to do when the reply is "yes please".

I think £5 though. You would be mad to give her £20

(Maybe she thinks you're loaded because you're more senior than her, not that it's an excuse)

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 21:00

What do you mean you can't? This cheeky mare is ripping the piss out of you. But if you must, seriously offer a fiver. That's it. She says that's not enough then that is your out. 'I misunderstood. I hadn't realised you were selling them. I will return them to you at work tomorrow.'

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 21:00

A bottle of wine. Thank you for fucking me over. Get real!

ScottishInSwitzerland · 12/09/2013 21:08

I do think the 'friend'/colleague is out of order. But to be fair, OP did offer something along the lines of "how much do you want for them" so I can see why she feels she can't now refuse to pay

Bunnygotwhacked · 12/09/2013 21:09

I have been caught like this a few times now if anyone says oh i have x you can have I always say "oh thanks how much are you wanting for them?" then if they come back with a number i am happy to pay great if not then i don't have the money sorry but it was really nice of you to think of us. For what it's worth i have always passed on my dc's stuff for free i think we had one of dd's coats doing the round once was funny to see it go down the family and through the year below.

Idespair · 12/09/2013 21:19

I hate people who do this, definitely stop social contact with this person who is essentially a pick pocket!

I would give the books back and say that you have looked through them now and found that you have most of them so don't need them, but thanks for the offer.

You would be a shocking mug to give her anything at all IMO and she will pull more tricks on you. I have encountered people like this before and once you show them a bit of weakness, you will open yourself up to more of her pick pocketing.

Additionally if she's said some were expensive, she will be offended with £5 or £10 or maybe even £20 and she will tell you so and you will end up embarrassed and hand over even more money. That's why you have to stop it right now.

There is an old thread on here, where same thing happened to a mner but with clothes not books. Other mners suggested a value to hand over, op duly did it and was told not enough and ended up awkwardly giving back all clothes. Not sure how to find it but very sure you need to stop this situation before it gets out of hand.

foreverondiet · 12/09/2013 21:21

I'd give them back, saying that you didn't realise she wanted money! Weird to pass things on and then ask for money.

Only appropriate to ask for money if conversation goes like - "I was thinking of ebaying DD's micro scooter" Friend "oh i'd like you it"

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 12/09/2013 21:41

SPG :)

Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 21:43

Hope I misunderstood expat's last comment.pretty shitty given that I was thanking you...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 21:47

Sorry, I mean if you give her a bottle of wine, as if it tellng her, 'Thanks for fucking me over!' In other words, don't get her a bottle of wine!

Sorry!

I was on tablet at the time since I cannot use IE on MN anymore Sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/09/2013 21:49

Ami

Yes you misunderstood! Read back all her posts. She wasn't swearing at you she was swearing at your friend.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 21:49

Basically, if you feel compelled to offer her money, offer her what she'd probably get on the market for it, which as others have said, is near enough FA.

Then you have an out. 'I was looking for more,' will be her response.

'Sorry. I misunderstood the situation. I hadn't realised initially you were seeking to sell these to me. I'm afraid that's my final offer' (because this isn't a fucking auction. If she wanted that, she should put them on Ebay).

'I'll bring them back to you tomorrow/Monday/etc.'

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/09/2013 21:50

X psts

Original poster
amistoopid · 12/09/2013 21:50

No I'm sorry!! Misunderstood!!

OP posts:
Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 21:54

I just find this so appalling. So appalling. What if she embarrasses some really poor person into paying?

If you are going to pay her, can't you at least in a very warm and friendly and non confrontational way be jokey about how you are embarrassed and please dont think we didn't want to give you anything for them...its just my old friends and I pass things round....

Or, I nearly occidentally stole your books, I am so sorry, I am so used to passing books round my family I almost forefoot to pay you...do make sure you put prices on before or you could be out of pocket...

Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 21:55

Have you looked on Amazon etc for the value of these pricey books?

ShakeAndVac · 12/09/2013 22:09

Tell her as she hadn't mentioned payment at all you didn't realise she wanted money for them, so when would be a convenient time to bring them back round?

THIS is exactly what I'd say! There's nothing wrong with wanting money for books and trying to sell them,but to offer them to someone and not make clear you want payment for them isn't on.
Say what you mean. Perfectly within your rights to send them back.