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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give dd2's present to dd1?

175 replies

JessicaWakefield1 · 09/09/2013 22:01

Dd2 is 2months old, along with being given numerous new clothes from well meaning friends and family she also has her older sister's hand me downs.
Dd1 is in desperate need of new autumn/winter type clothes. DH's aunty gave dd2 £100 in Next vouchers when she was born wibu to buy dd1 clothes with dd2's vouchers? It would help a lot tbh as we are struggling due to me being on maternity leave so couldn't really afford to use the vouchers on dd1 and just put the same value away for dd2.
We also need new bedding and some nice Next bed sheets would be lovely but that feels very wrong.

OP posts:

Listentomum · 10/09/2013 10:31

I wore hand me downs as a child never gave it a second thought, didn't even notice in photographs and I'm sure no one else did. I think that's an odd notion that it would damage esteem to be photographed in hand me downs.

HuglessDouglas · 10/09/2013 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 10/09/2013 10:42

My kids friends have never noticed that they wear hand me downs, the majority of kids wear some hand me downs, they get new stuff as well as and when its needed, I see something I like. Fgs you can't even tell clothes are hand me downs and we are talking about a baby here any way.

Listentomum · 10/09/2013 10:45

Maybe is the issue then that wearing handle downs has been taboo, for some people.

My dd knows who has given her clothes and in fact she would rather wear her older cousins clothes than buy new ones.

If she were to be bullied about it, I'd teach her to hold her head high, just as she does when children remark, comment or make fun about anything.

Not wearing hand me downs does nothing but appease and give into bullies. It's not the fault of the clothes people wear its the fault of the bully.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 10:54

I go bullied for wearing glasses. Clearly my parents should have stopped me wearing them, go to appease folk, right?
Though what they should have done to my brother who was bullied for being clever, or my sister for being ginger, I don't know. A lobotomy and some hair dye, presumably. *

*clearly they should have changed our school, but never mind.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 10/09/2013 11:07

I love hand-me-downs. DD has a whole wardrobe of flared jeans/cords from her 9 & 6 year-old aunties. Yup, fashions have changed and her newer stuff is all skinny jeans/leggings. Do I think it matters? Nope. She's 18 months. Maybe it matters to older kids or teenagers, but not now.

Anyway, in answer to the OP, I would spend the vouchers on DD1, but I don't think I would buy sheets. Might be illogical, but it doesn't seem right to me!

Original poster

JessicaWakefield1 · 10/09/2013 11:09

Have just been on here and I'm surprised by so many responses - thanks for all your opinions.
As I said up thread the majority I will spend on dd1 but will get dd2 a little something too. Fully aware she will neither need nor appreciate this at this stage but it will help me (completely irrationally) feel a little better about things.
The poster up thread (I think it was mortifiedadams) , yes if aunt hadnt been so generous then of course I would've scraped money together for a trip to primark or whatever it just seems so silly to do this when I could get better quality clothes (which could be passed to dd2) without stretching ourselves.
I think I worry about setting a precendent and always being able to reason "dd2 has dd1s things whereas dd1 actually needs stuff." Dh thinks I'm way over thinking, we should spend the voucher on whichever dd needs stuff and is in awe that I have actually posted on an Internet forum about something so trivial. the concept of mumsnet aibu seems completely lost on him

OP posts:

MissManaged · 10/09/2013 11:18

This has become a discussion about handmedowns, and actually I think it is a lot more about attitude to what is 'given' to children'.
Either you see such gifts as being given to the child, and so to be used for that child - or you see it as being given to you, to spend as you see fit.
Black & white.

What did the aunt think you would do with the money? why was it given? what was it given for?
I am guessing she really didn't give it to you, for new bedding.

Double check the vouchers ...do they have any expiry date? if not, then there will be ample opportunity to use the money for clothes next year, or to top up on things as DD2 develops.

If in doubt, phone the aunt and ask if she minds the money being spent on DD1. If that doesn't seem like an easy thing to do, then perhaps you have the answer?

elcranko · 10/09/2013 12:12

Just spend the voucher on whatever you want OP. If you want new sheets or stuff for DD1 then get them!

I would buy one outfit for DD2 with the voucher though. She'll have something of her own with the voucher plus you can said a thank you card with a photo of her wearing the outfit to DH's aunt

Spend the rest on your sheets and DD1 though if that's what you really need. If DD2 has plenty of clothes already that she will grow out of in no time then spending a further £100 on more stuff for her would be a bit of a waste of money IMO.

solarbright · 10/09/2013 12:21

I've learned something from this thread (one of those rare Mumsnet teachable moments ): if I give a voucher, include a note that says 'Please use this to buy whatever you like for whatever family member you please, including yourself'.

I always thought it was implied that if I give you - or a child too young to realise what's going on - a gift, it is now yours to do with as you please (enjoy it, eBay it, spend it on the 'wrong' DC, whatever). It's a gift - I don't tell you how to use/enjoy it or even that you MUST keep it.

I suggest that all those who feel differently include a note that says the receiver had damn well better ring up and ask permission about how they are allowed to spend the gift.

JerseySpud · 10/09/2013 12:23

I would do it. DD2 gets DD1's old clothes here so anything i buy for DD1 gets put by. DD2's clothes get handed down to my niece. So my SIL sometimes buys clothes for DD2 which she knows get handed down to her DD.

We like recycling clothes in our family

MillyStar · 10/09/2013 12:25

I would use them!

I used my dd's first birthday money for our spends at haven this year as I was on my arse money wise!

Jengnr · 10/09/2013 12:26

As long as you give her the £100 it's not an issue what you spend it on.

LegArmpits · 10/09/2013 12:30

I'm snorting at the thought of kids being offended by decent hand-me-downs, I really am. My three don't give a hoot, in fact they love seeing pics of their older siblings wearing what they have on. I think it's horribly wasteful not to re-use, and I say that from a much better financial situation since having DC1.

cantspel · 10/09/2013 12:30

Use the voucher on dd1 if she needs clothes and put a £100 in dd2's bank account for when she needs something.

I wouldn't be happy if i gave a gift to the child and the mum spent it on herself but swapping the voucher for cash wouldn't be a issue.

cantspel · 10/09/2013 12:33

Hand me downs are fine for a younger child as they just dont care or notice but i was the second child who was always dressed in hand me downs and by the age of 10 i knew and resented it.

Even my socks and most of my underwear were handme downs and it would have be nice to just once be bought something just for me.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 12:34

Don't phone the aunt, for fucks sake, she'll think you've lost your mind!

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 12:35

christ, its gets worse, put 100 pound in the babies bank account....what planet are you people on?

cantspel · 10/09/2013 12:41

On a planet where you dont take from your children.

The op hasn't said she is on the bones of her arse just that money is tight so why should she not replace the voucher with cash?
DD2 might not need anything now but she will in future and then she will have the money put away to pay for it.

QuizteamBleakley · 10/09/2013 12:42

I don't know where in the country you are, OP, but search that there t'interweb for your nearest Next Outlet centre. They stock masses of stuff that's either been returned or (oh the horror) is last years stock. Generally, it's 50 - 70% off RRP. If you can make your £100 double you could get get some naice Egyptian cotton sheets and not feel any guilt!

I'm actually a bit that people have stopped giving vouchers or cash because they don't like they way some MNers have used them. Unreal. I too shall be popping a note in saying "Go crazy, spend as you please."

Happy shopping OP :-)

LadyFlumpalot · 10/09/2013 12:48

I've dug into DSs savings twice now to pay for heating oil. He's 2. Currently he needs a warm house far more than some money he has no concept of yet.

I say go for it, if your DD1 needs clothes and DD2 already has an abundance then I see no issue at all.

Maryz · 10/09/2013 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 10/09/2013 12:52

see that is were people are different. if i gave a gift to a child i would expect it to go to that child and my family are the same.

This thread has opened my eyes a bit and i think unless i was sure that the person receiving the gift has the same view as me i think i will stick to giving a actual gift and remove the tags so it cant be taken back for cash.

Maryz · 10/09/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 12:52

Why not just not give gifts at all, if you can't appreciate the sentiment behind them, and want to be so prescriptive?

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