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AIBU?

To be upset that dh has received more money in pay packet and not told me?

109 replies

Pinkpinot · 07/09/2013 10:54

Meantime I'm worrying about how to ask him to transfer some money to buy school uniform?
But he's left me £50 and gone out on the piss for the 4th time this wrek

OP posts:

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Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 09:03

I question every financial revision I make, I budget from the house money, I go through the supermarket shop and put back items that are luxuries. I go through Ll the 2fir 1 deals, use all the vouchers, collect all the nectar points. Only full up car where I can collect points and have a voucher.
I haven't had a watch for over a year because it needs a battery and that comes last on the list
Toiletries for me, deodorant and moisturiser go in the supermarket delivery as they can't come out of my money, because that's run out
I stopped myself from buying a new toothbrush last week
I'm juggling all this all the time and he is swanning off on stag dos and all day drinking sessions because his friend is in town
But I should just be grateful because he pays the mortgage and utilities?!

We are going out today and I've just realised that ds doesn't have smart shoes. Dh won't be happy, but how am I supposed to pay for them?

OP posts:

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 09:05

Mibw- I think it's about all those things you've mentioned, and tbh I think our relationship is shit
But I don't think you can compare it to yours-because it sounds like you have a nice husband and more money! Or a least your husband isn't wasting it

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/09/2013 09:12

What has conditioned you to be thinking like that ? Has he always been this tight and secretive about finances ? Can ds not wear school shoes today ? If he can afford 2k per month in tax he can afford to move out. Underpayments often happen when income goes over a threshold ie. £100k so it my not be as difficult to fund separate homes as he has suggested .

WafflyVersatile · 08/09/2013 09:12

Maybe he was paying off a credit card debt built up over that period?

Hedgehogparty · 08/09/2013 09:17

Think this is less about money and more about power and control in the relationship.

Do you want to be with him any more?

Wonderstuff · 08/09/2013 09:19

Sounds horrid. I would insist on drawing up a budget with him that included enough money for you. DH and I have joint access to all funds, but then we never have enough for savings or anything and we both contribute.

Presumably you worked before dc and had a discussion about him becoming sole earner and how that would work, what was the deal?

I'm regularly astounded on here that so many people think its ok for one person in a marriage to have a better standard if living than the other partner. What would happen if you wanted a night out?

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 09:22

Waffly- bless you, you are so optimistic!!

No, he only has 2 credit cards, the one i use and I know the balance on the other one.

His school shoes might have to do, but he doesn't have any long trousers, so it's shorts and shirt.
He needs a whole new winter wardrobe now too, nothing from last year fits.
Yes, if he now has 2k per month more, he can't use finances as an excuse not to move out. I think that's maybe why he hasn't told me.
But it he doesn't want to lose me how about being open and honest and upfront and generous (to us) and sensible with money
He has always been crap with money, and always earned a v good salary

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/09/2013 09:32

Now that you know about the extra money, you can go and find out what your entitlements would be when you guys split up.

Then you can get your ducks in a row and then you can ask him to leave.

You are his wife, and you gave up working to look after his child, so it is bollocks that he won't have to support you after you divorce. He very well might.

Go and see a family law solicitor and try to figure out exactly where you stand.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/09/2013 09:57

Something doesnt quite add up right, just seen on another thread you spent hundreds on days out over the holidays and now claim not to be able to afford the basics. You also mention not getting pregnant last month, if you hate him that much and want him to leave why on earth would you not be using contraception and actively trying to get pregnant!

If you truly wanted out, you would have done it. If you gave up a career to be a SAHP then surely you have some skills to work again as it doesnt sound like your child is very old and is at school all day. Lack of recent experience wont help but there are lots of places that would love volunteers so that you can get recent references etc.

Its hard to say if he is being mean with money as nobody knows the agreement you can to re not working and the amounts he gives you and what the bills cost.

notapizzaeater · 08/09/2013 10:10

What sort of jobs have you looked at ? There are some jobs out there but mainly low paid ones.

I work pt and hubby earns a v g salary too. It all goes into a pot and its spent as a family. We do not do his and hers money at all.

Before ds I earnt roughly the same as dh, we as a family made the decision for me to be a sahm, making dh support us whilst he was very young.

I'd be sitting him down and having a chat. If you split up he would have to,pay child support and it sounds like it might be more than what he's giving you at the moment

Pinupgirl · 08/09/2013 10:11

She is working happy-she is doing the vast majority of the childcare and don't start giving me any crap about it not being work if its not paid because its bull.

I sympathise op-I was in a very similar situation with my dh though things have improved slightly.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/09/2013 10:37

Pinupgirl, i disgaree. Looking after your own child is not working, its called being a parent and the child is at school all day anyway. Housework and its runnings is something all adults do who move out regardless of having children or not.

daftdame · 08/09/2013 10:43

How is the OP's DH being a good father if he complains about buying food and school uniform?

If he has an argument with OP, he should not take this out on the child. It is not their son's fault.

marriedinwhiteisback · 08/09/2013 13:18

Even more confused. Going out and he has no smart shoes - his school shoes might have to do. Until their feet stop growing school shoes are their smart shoes imo - anything else is an utter waste. What xactly are your priorities - because that doesn't square up with worrying about buying a toothbrush.

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:25

Well thanks for going through my other threads, that feels really good
Yes I spent hundreds on my ds over the 7 week holiday, I budgeted for that. I went without for that.
I didn't say I couldn't afford the basics, I said I worry about getting through the month, I never said we were on the breadline

He has no long trousers, lots of shorts, but as school shoes are great big clodhoppers they don't really go with shorts
But hey, not the end of the world

Anyway, confrontation came this morning as he wanted to know why I had put his bank statements in my diary. I just said I wanted to discuss finances as we weren't managing it properly.
As predicted, he was furious, and a huge row happened
But I guess I deserve it somehow
Because I'm just so entitled

OP posts:

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:27

Thanks to those who listened and supported
X

OP posts:

daftdame · 08/09/2013 19:30

You're not (entitled). Why shouldn't you discuss finances?

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:34

Oh and Until you have been trying to conceive for 5 years and been through hell and back, I'm not sure you can comment on my fertility( or lack of) thanks, happymummyofone.
That's a bit below the belt.

OP posts:

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:39

Actually mummyofone, that's really out of order, that was a very personal thread about how my ds was thinking there was a baby in my tummy

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Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:39

And how to deal with it

OP posts:

Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:40

Fuck it
Who cares anyway
It's all just words on a screen

OP posts:

Wonderstuff · 08/09/2013 19:43

I do wish we could quit the competitive suffering that happens on here!

You have every right to discuss finances, share budgets and expect your DH to take responsibility. IMO you have every right to an equal share of the family finances regardless of what you earn (although I realise this isn't everyone's view) you also have every right to end your relationship with your husband if you feel it has come to that, it doesn't matter if he feels that would be too expensive for him, you have an absolute right to divorce. I would seek legal advice.

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Pinkpinot · 08/09/2013 19:56

And just ftr, he said he hadn't realised that he got paid more!!
Yeah, we'd all miss an extra 2k, wouldn't we?

OP posts:

Wonderstuff · 08/09/2013 19:58

He's not taking responsibility is he, he's spending as he pleases and blaming you when the money runs out.

CreatureRetorts · 08/09/2013 20:02

I'm forever at people who continue to act as if they're housmates and children are somehow a household bill to be met grudgingly.

These threads make me despair.

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