To be upset that dh has received more money in pay packet and not told me?

[Pinkpinot]

Meantime I'm worrying about how to ask him to transfer some money to buy school uniform?
But he's left me £50 and gone out on the piss for the 4th time this wrek

You are the second holder of his credit card and you know he has an extra 2K in his account yet your child doesn't have proper shoes or a school uniform. Just go and buy the stuff you need. If he kicks up a fuss tell him he needs in no uncertain terms to get his fucking priorities right and then kick his arse to a hotel/friend's house/his mum's etc etc

Thank you wonderstuff, that's exactly what it feels like

I'd put you're watch battery and toothbrush on that credit card too.

Sorry OP but if 2k extra hit the bank account and you have what you need why do you need to know unless you want dibs on it for extaneous spending? My DH always seems to be making an unexpected buck here and there (sorry not meant to sound like that). It doesn't mean I spend more than I did or the DC get more than they need or have.

How much do you spend on the credit card each month?

Just because you don't feel rights to you husbands additional earnings, doesn't mean that is a desirable set-up. In my house all earnings are considered family money. Sometimes DH contributes more, sometimes I do. I earn a set wage, he earns a significant amount of his earnings in the form of commission. I don't see why he should get to be richer than me because of the nature of his job.

I'm shocked that so many people feel its okay to hide money from their spouse.

Marriedinwhite, the OP's situation is clearly worlds apart from your own. Please stop comparing your life to hers, the two obviously are not similar and you are not helping the OP.

Pink, how do you currently budget your finances? He earns everything and gives you X amount, what does that cover? What does he pay? How much left over do you get each?

For someone to get £2k extra in their pay packet their wages have to be pretty damn good to begin with.

There haven't been any straight answers on this thread. A 2k rebate indicates a pretty high salary in anybody's terms. There are a lot of contradictions and therefore I cannot find any clarity.

So still not sure why you are trying to get pregnant with someone you dont much like

Needawee- I'm way beyond getting pg- someone picked up on a thread I had where I was upset because ds kept saying there was a baby in my tummy. V bad taste I thought, to bring that up.
We are married, we have been trying to work through a lot of problems, we do still have sex.
Marriediwhite- yes, he earns a good salary, that's the whole fucking point, that he earns a lot, spends it, and I have nothing. You repeatedly say I have what I need, I don't. I can't pay for extras like watch batteries and haircuts, I use the credit card for groceries and petrol £400 last month, i fo not have carte blanche with it. and that's cutting back from the last couple of months
Why don't you get what I'm saying?
He transfers the exact amount for bills and mortgage/ insurance etc. then has a couple of thousand for himself. Now he has an extra 2k.

Anyway, why do the details matter?
Here's the situation- we have been struggling financially over the last couple of months, it's caused a lot of tension. One of the reasons for this is because he has been repaying tax. He has finally repaid that tax and now has extra funds. Which makes a huge difference to our financial position but he didnt tell me about it.
So I take a deeper look into his finances and it doesn't really add up

Why don't you have equal access to funds? How did this unequal set up start? What would he say if you wanted to sit down together, talk, and draw up a budget?

Well if he's spending money on entertainment and material things for himself and you have nothing that is wrong. What would happen if you put a watch battery or haircut on the credit card? £400 pcm for food and petrol is not enough if there is a couple of grand left over every month. Do you have a bank account? Presumably you have fallen into the child benefit gap and don't get that any more.

Surely if he didn't notice that he'd been paid more, he isn't going to notice additional necessities like school uniform. If he does then talk to him as an adult about the fact these are required. Alternatively send him out with DS to buy them. It might be a good wake-up call.

But I'm sorry if you budgeted for fun days out in the summer why didn't you anticipate the school uniform etc if your husband is as much of an arse as you would suggest.

Also if you have fallen into the CB gap then claim it and DH can do Self assessment and repay it at the end of the year.

Don't let Happymummy get to you, she is among a few here who live in ivory towers, wear rose tinted glasses and are VERY judgemental. They usually get many if their facts wrong too....Happymummy commented in a thread once about the social tenants up the road to her who neglected their gardens and so the council did the gardening free of charge. Lots of people told her that didn't happen.....it doesn't happen but she did not know this....she assumed and was wrong.

It's quite difficult to explain everything exactly on here!
I always knew that there would be money for uniforms, I'm just saying I was worried about bringing up the subject, ie asking for more funds because it always ends up in a row, and he gets really defensive and stressy about it.
It just seems I'm the one budgeting and worrying and he just spends what he wants and then panics at the end of the month.
He needs to rein it in.
I don't think he ever stops himself from buying something, he never thinks twice

He's now really upset because I'm going without. But I have been telling him this for months.
He's gone from being really defensive and accusatory, to being open to sitting down and sorting a budget.
I think if I said transfer me £1k, he'd probably do it

I think a lot of this problem is me having to ask for extras

Pinkpinot Good news about the budgeting!

Sounds like your DH had his head in the sand. I know my DH 'put off' budgeting and discussing the finances with me when his account was getting overdrawn every month. I think he just didn't want to think about it. It did involve a bit of work, spreadsheet and so on to track spending.

Needless to say I was a bit miffed when I found out. However with some economies on things which didn't really matter, we have released some money for things we really like doing. All whilst spending less!

Free gardening as well as subsidised utilities, Jake? This has been a lucrative few days on Mumsnet for me.

Great news op

Hi Pinkpinot.

I get why you are pissed off. It isn't fair that he has access to ££££ pocket money while you are striking a watch battery and toothbrush off the list each month.

He might not like discussing finances and get defensive and argumentative, but tell him you want to sit down and go over the budget again. You need to make it clear that the disposable income left after bills are paid needs to be divided between you more fairly. It is unacceptable that he regularly goes out socialising and spending lots while you are unable to pay for new clothes for DS. Your DH has his priorities all wrong if he thinks that is fair.

I would tell your DH that instead of being given an allowance to cover bills, you would prefer the salary paid into a joint account so you have full access to money when you need it and can see all the incomings and outgoings. Then, you could both transfer a small (equal) amount of spending money to personal accounts to save or spend on whatever. The joint account covers all bills and stuff like grocery shopping, petrol and necessities for your child.

I would be furious with my DH if he begrudged me a few ££ for basic things for myself and the children, yet regularly lavished himself. Your DH is either a bit dumb if he can't see the unfairness of denying you more funds, or he is purposely financially abusing you. Either way, you have to challenge him on this and make it abundantly clear that he is mismanaging the money.

If you are unhappy with him and want to leave then seek advice from CAB or a family lawyer.

In the meantime, use the plastic for the clothes and shoes for DS and watch battery and toothbrush for you.

I did suggest his salary going into the joint account, and he moaned about that being a headache with HR. I'll have to suggest it again, it's the only way it's transparent
I really don't think he purposely wants to leave me short, but there is an element of control there.

Pink How about he gives you £1000 per month? Any you don't spend goes in to savings.

If you don't pay tax, which you won't because you are not working, he will save paying tax on the interest accrued, if all the savings are solely in your named account too. If he is in the higher tax bracket this could save quite a bit of tax, since you are not liable for tax, as you don't earn. Now he can't argue with the sense in that!

^ You can then transfer money back to him as and when he needs it.

if he asks nicely.

There are not any straight answers on this thread simply because there are no answers. It all depends on the set up people have for finances. In some households all money is seen as family money with everything going into one pot. This is what we have. It's not always ideal. Some people have separate accounts and split bills when they both work.

When there is only one earner sometimes this works fine. If the earner thinks of the money as family money. If they think of it as his (or her) money then problems start. And that's what is happening here. It is a fundamental issue. Nevertheless if somebody is struggling for money to buy essentials and there partner is spending freely there is a huge problem.

Jake, please link to my post of

"Don't let Happymummy get to you, she is among a few here who live in ivory towers, wear rose tinted glasses and are VERY judgemental. They usually get many if their facts wrong too....Happymummy commented in a thread once about the social tenants up the road to her who neglected their gardens and so the council did the gardening free of charge. Lots of people told her that didn't happen.....it doesn't happen but she did not know this....she assumed and was wrong."

I highly doubt you will be able to as i know for certain i didnt post it, least of all as i live semi rural and there are few houses and i dont think any are social housing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1491281-to-think-that-people-who-choose-to-have-more-children-whilst-living-in-social-housing-shouldnt-expect-to-be-given-a-bigger-place#32290020

Had a quick search and presume this is the thread you meant Jake? It wasnt me but feel free to make up lies about me for whatever reason you felt like.