To be upset that dh has received more money in pay packet and not told me?

[Pinkpinot]

Meantime I'm worrying about how to ask him to transfer some money to buy school uniform?
But he's left me £50 and gone out on the piss for the 4th time this wrek

[Pinkpinot]

He pays funds into the credit card when it gets close to its limit.

[Viviennemary]

If you are regularly short of money to pay for essentials such as bills as school uniforms then him not telling you about the extra isn't right. But it depends on the arrangements you have for your money. Some people would think this rebate or extra was nothing to do with the other person. And some people would take the absolute opposite view. Is your money usually in separate accounts.

[KirjavaTheCat]

That horrible shaky feeling is probably adrenaline, OP. The quick realisation that something is going on and you're very close to finding out what

Is a confrontation on the cards, do you feel that it would go anywhere to ask him directly what he's up to?

[Pinkpinot]

Vivienne- we've had so many worries recently about money, juggling it, savings depleted, asked for overdraft, it's very hard to understand why this would have slipped his mind to tell me.
It's a huge big deal. It's not just a couple of hundred quid
I don't work, so it's all 'his money'
He transfers enough for bills/household stuff and then some into an account for me, and then the rest is his

[Pinkpinot]

He's out today. We have a family thing tomorrow which I can't spoil. He has a friend staying tomorrow night
And then working late Monday and Tuesday, so really can't work out when confrontation will happen
I feel like I need more evidence anyway, because he will somehow dismiss all of this
Unless I insist on seeing credit card bill

[Doingakatereddy]

IMO you need to start squirrelling some money away yourself (cash) and ltb.

Not declaring income, drinking frequently, running through cash. Sorry but, it sounds pretty bad. Get out

[Pinkpinot]

The tax thing wasn't actually his fault. He's paye, employer messed it up
But that's the only thing he's excused

[Pinkpinot]

Was really looking forward to tomorrow, but now it's going to be horrible

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Your post doest make sense, if he is the only earner then he could have left at any point as he would have the finances. If things were so dire you would have found work given your child is school age.

If he transfers enough for the bills and household stuff plus extra for you then perhaps as the only earner he believes the excess is his just as you get spending money from him.

[Pinkpinot]

He didnt want to leave
How could he support 2 households when we are just about getting through?
I have been trying to get a job for years
So it's ok that he wastes thousands?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

You sound like you dont like him much yet expect him to fully support you.

He wouldnt have to support two households, just his and child maintainance. As an adult you would be responsible for yourself.

It sounds like he covers all the bills, food plus extra for you to spend so personally i wouldnt have a problem with him keeping the tax difference.

Hard to say re wasting money as presumably you are free to spend yours as you see fit or do you both do tit for tat re whats being spent?

[Pinkpinot]

I don't have any extra money, for me. The money he gives me we have spent on essentials for the last couple of months
If I had extra money for me I would buy the school uniforms.

He has thousands for him and nothing to show for it
And I'm worried about uniforms!

[marriedinwhiteisback]

OP my husband has always paid all the bills and he gives me housekeeping for food. He gives e £800 a month. I pay no bills but I still earn a full-time professional salary. My DH earns at leat 10 times more. I don't question what he does with the difference and I'm quite sure he picks up the tab three or four times a week.

You don't sound as though you are living on the breadline and your DH gives you access to funds without questioning. When I didn't wotk I kept a note of every penny I spent and shared it with DH.

Why can't you find work for some financial independence? Even my teenagers seem able to pull down at least £100 a month.

Is this about money or your marriage. I'm a bit perplexed now.

[daftdame]

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. Why cannot he have any compassion for your child? Money for uniforms is not at all frivolous or money for you. This is the basics he should want to provide for. If he wants you to work this should be discussed but your child should not have to suffer in the meantime.

[Pinkpinot]

I'm confused myself now as these replies don't seem to
Make sense
He doesn't give me access to funds without questioning- I pay for groceries and petrol on credit card. If I asked for anything else ie uniforms/car tax, he will question it, will moan about where the money goes and it will more than likely turn into a huge row
I have tried all sorts of jobs over the last couple of years, but nothing happening at all
The financial situation has only turned bad because I think he is spending more, and I don't know what on.
There was never any major financial reason for me to go back to work before
And I don't know what you mean about picking up the tab
I can't pick up a tab ever

[WafflyVersatile]

What is it that you've found, or think you've found?

[Viviennemary]

You are not in a good situation. But on the other hand perhaps he feels he gives you enough money for bills and housekeeping and spending money and the rest if there is extra is his money.

If one person isn't earning anything in a partnership and the other provides everything financially then this needs to be a situation agreed to and accepted by both. If it isn't then that's when the trouble and resentment starts. I hope you sort things out but I don't think there is an easy answer.

[Pinkpinot]

This month from his bank account he has taken out large amounts if cash, which doesn't make sense
He's also made lots of payments into credit card, but I can't see what has been paid out of the credit card
This is thousands
He received £2k extra in pay

[WafflyVersatile]

Is it at all possible he is arranging a fabulous holiday for you and him as a surprise?

[daftdame]

OP if I were you I would just try and stop thinking about it for a while.

Pay on credit card and if he questions say he must get involved with decisions,what does he think any about uniform? How can he moan? If he is being reasonable he can share the decision making. Discuss what he wants to eat for food, have him come with you for uniform and shopping- play stupid. Let him show you what he thinks you should be doing.

If he then just goes off you have Carte Blanche to spend what you like on the credit card and siphon whatever you want off.

But for now I would pause and take it as it comes. He may have a bit of a problem he may just have a set of younger friends but he may already be feeling guilty. Bide your time and respond to the situation as it unfolds. However you are not being unreasonable.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Picking up the tab means drinks/dinner after work with clients or colleagues. Some is chaargeable some not - goes out on DH's credit card (on which I hve never been a user) and I've never seen the bill.

[Pinkpinot]

I thought you meant picking up the tab when it was just you two.
Yes dh probably does that- but should he when his wife is worrying about how to get through the month?

[bbcessex]

Sounds like you are having a tough time.

2k is a hell of a lot to get as extra in his monthly pay due to a tax code change though.. do you know for sure its that amount?
Was it a rebate rather than a code change?

[Pinkpinot]

He underpaid by a lot- his employer messed up some share selling, and he was repaying it at 2k per month. Probably could have phoned them and asked to spread it out, but no.
He's never bloody phones the tax people, because that sort of thing is beyond him
I thought it would be repaid in January but looks like its repaid, and what he got tis month will be his regular salary
So it's not just a one off payment, this is now regular pay.
Maybe he just thought he'd keep this month and tell me about it next month

[marriedinwhiteisback]

I don't understand why you are worrying about getting through the month when he pays for everything and there has never been the need to go to work.

I absolutely hated it when I wasn't earning and had to mention to DH that I was going to spend "x" on a set of new towels or "x" on trainers and new shoes. It was never an issue although there were months in the early days when I would check to see if fees were coming in and I could buy shoes and trainers in one go. It was however why I went back to work - because I like my own coins jangling in my pocket and having the independence to say actually if I fancy highlights or coffee and a cake I'm having them and referring to no-one.

I can't quite understand if this is about lack of money; lack of independence; his fecklessness; you wanting to question what he's spending when he's meeting his domestic obligations and has some of his earnings left over; general lack of communication or something much deeper.

When I didn't work OP, I paid for everything from my account (was lucky I had the money to do that but there was nothing coming in and it was a finite balance and at the end of 8 years the money in there was no longer stretching a whole month) and used to keep a careful note kept in a box in the kitchen with all the receipts and DH used to write me a cheque at the end of the month. It helps I know that neither of us are the last of the big spenders.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time but I can't help feeling this is more about your overall relationship and is almost the straw that has broken the camel's back because you need to pin a permanent decision on something you feel is tangible.

I wonder if you should post more broadly in relationships where you will get really good advice and where people will be able to support you to deal with the overall problems/situation.