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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet jury - 18 minutes to make judgement

39 replies

laicepsgnileeF · 07/09/2013 08:43

17 year old dd has started at a new school.

She came home last night in a foul mood - combination of tired after first week and time of the month.

I asked her if there was anything on this weekend she said there was hockey. I asked what time so that I knew what time we would have to take her, both our house and the playing fields are remote and an hour apart.

She said she didn't know what time it was, and I pointed out that didn't help much. Suggested she found out what time it was. She then refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.

I have found the time of the hockey, and she did say good morning this morning. Do I a) stick with my plan last night of she's 17 she has to take responsibility or b) give her a break (as usual) and let her know when hockey is?

Due to travelling time and getting ready I will have to let her know at 9am if she is doing so.

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 07/09/2013 08:44

Seventeen? Her problem.

lougle · 07/09/2013 08:45

Tell her. Be kind.

Bakingtins · 07/09/2013 08:45

If she misses the first one is that her chance of making the team this year gone or if she got her act together next week would that be ok?

MadeOfStarDust · 07/09/2013 08:46

yep - her problem.. but remind her to find out...

Celadorthepinksequineddragon · 07/09/2013 08:46

I'd tell her but make it clear it's fully her responsibility from now on. Nice weather for hockey!

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 07/09/2013 08:46

Tell her, I dont see why you wouldn't. Would you rather have her been sulky in house or been out? Grin

Tbh my mum would have left me to find out.

Nora2012 · 07/09/2013 08:46

Tell her, mums always come to the rescue. It may take until she has children if her own to realise it, but she will.

cq · 07/09/2013 08:47

New school, first week - I'd cut her some slack.

But make it clear that after this week, it's her responsibility and if she lets the team down she'll find it harder to make friends.

Seabright · 07/09/2013 08:47

Ask her if she has found out the time. Decide what to do depending on how civil/sensible her answer is

NomDeClavier · 07/09/2013 08:48

Tell her that you'll need to leave at 9 if she wants to go. If it's something she wants to do but is a bit nervous/feeling grotty she may not take it well if she finds out you knew and didn't say. Starting a new sixth form isn't easy and this might help her settle in faster.

SouthernComforts · 07/09/2013 08:48

17?! I had dd, a job and a house by that age.

thegoldenfool · 07/09/2013 08:48

I would normally let her take the consequences of her actions and not tell her

at 17 she is most of the way to being an adult and this is soft way to learn

but i see that she is in a new school so perhaps scared, lonely and defensive so let her know this time (but start letting he learn the hard way soon . . .)

waikikamookau · 07/09/2013 08:48

give her a break,

PrincessKildare · 07/09/2013 08:48

I want to say she's 17 its her problem. BUT, I'd tell her. I have same issue with my son and Rugby every Saturday.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/09/2013 08:50

Depends, what are consequences if she misses it?

Doesn't have a fun day with friends?
Misses her chance to be on the team for the year?

Tbh I would wake her but it very much depends of your strategy so far

Have you already said half a hundred times you won't do it next time, because that would be a definite no Smile

applebread · 07/09/2013 08:50

Tell her. Kindness breeds kindness. It's a new school year so there's a bit of slack needed.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 07/09/2013 08:51

Give her a break. We can all remember being that age can't we?

Chippednailvarnish · 07/09/2013 08:52

Refused to talk to you?! She sounds like she needs a rude awakening.

Clobbered · 07/09/2013 08:53

How badly does she want to go to hockey? Is being flaky her way of getting out of it?
I'd be inclined not to mention it - you did your best to rescue her last night, no? At 17, an evening of sulking and not talking to your mother has consequences.
Disclaimer - I am a grumpy bitch on Saturday mornings. I don't take to getting out of bed well, and I certainly wouldn't chase up an early activity for a moody teen!!

ShirleyFuckingKnot · 07/09/2013 08:54

Nope. At 17 it's time to start letting go. This is the hardest part of parenting IMO, but it's about pushing them out of the nest.

Yama · 07/09/2013 08:54

Thinking back, my Mum would have told me if she had known. However, she would not have been proactive about finding out the time.

So, I'm on the fence.

Original poster
laicepsgnileeF · 07/09/2013 08:56

Right - she's currently subdued, has said she can't find out the time for the hockey. She's playing hockey and netball outside of school on Sunday, and has told me what time she needs to be there and where and when she'll be home etc (she's showing that she can find out times).

Do I show her where I found school times, say there's the school times I'm showing you today, but the rest of the year it's your responsibility to tell me?

OP posts:
mrscog · 07/09/2013 08:56

I would ask her if she found out, as you need to make plans give 5 her a deadline of 9.15 to let you know, See how she responds. When I was 17 I had 3 part time jobs, music hobbies and 4 A Levels on, my Mum didn't even know my schedule!

Original poster
laicepsgnileeF · 07/09/2013 08:58

I'm not sure (because new school and I don't know the way the team works) whether or not being there blows the chance for the rest of the year.

OP posts:
mrscog · 07/09/2013 08:58

Cross posted. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to go, is she backing out so that she can have more time for studying etc this year? I would give her the opportunity to back out, if she says she does want to go I'd show her where you found the times then devolve responsibility for the rest of the year.