To have smiled sweetly and said nothing to this school bully

[DrinkFromMyFountain]

14 years ago I left school. There was one girl who made my life hell, said a load of nasty things about me and told me I would never amount to anything. She also said I'd end up single and Childless at 30 working in a shop. (NB I see nothing wrong with this, but it was meant in a horrible, nasty, put downy way). This was amongst various other things she said and did to try to make my life a misery.

This morning I took my car to the car wash and saw her working there washing cars.

I ordered my car wash for my naice car with my baby DS in the back and said "fancy seeing you here". She made a grimace of a face and carried on with her work.

Karma you beauty.

"I don't think you need to be ashamed of your feelings at all.

But I do think that as life goes on you might be happier if you left stuff behind.

You don't have to forgive but it might help to put it aside."
Reelingintheyears - you are absolutely right about this - what is clear from this thread is that some people are finding it hard to do this, and haven't managed it yet.

Differentnameforthis - I am sorry, I was wrong to use the word condemn. What I was trying to say is that some people have not yet got to the point in their lives where they can see what happened to them from the viewpoint of a mature adult - I do firmly believe that being bullied freezes a part of your emotional development at that point, so your reactions to the bully and the bullying, even years afterwards, are still the reactions of that victimised child.

I simply think we should understand and accept this, and encourage people to seek out the help and support that they need in order for them to break out of that frozen point and get to the point where they can see and react to the bully and the bullying from an emotionally mature point of view.

Maybe venting their feelings here is an important step on the road to overcoming them and moving onwards.

I don't think using words like bitter is helpful, because many of us are, I believe, still victims of our bullies. For me, the effects of the bullying are still blighting me every day. I was back at the GPs this week, discussing the fact that, whilst I am not actively considering ways to kill myself, I would be happy if I knew I could fall asleep and never wake up again.

Do I feel bitter - towards the bullies, towards my mum, who dismissed me, and towards the teachers who never noticed what was going on? Yes, I do. I cannot forgive them, at this point in time. They ruined my life, and I think I have every right to be bitter about that. The emotionally mature adult part of me wants to let go, lose the bitterness and move forwards, but I can't do it yet.

I don't want any of the bullies' victims on this thread to feel that they are failures because they cannot, yet, see their bullies as others would like them to. And if it is good, as I think it might be, for people to vent their feelings honestly and openly, I would not want anyone to feel that they cannot be honest about their darker and less evolved, compassionate or emotionally mature feelings on here.

I should add that I have tried to get in touch with my bullies, to tell them the damage they did, all those years ago, and to see if there was any sense of shame from them, or even an apology.

They have not responded to me.

I wouldn't invite a child that bullied my child to a party. No way.

Turning the other cheek gets you nailed up on a cross.

No thanks.

Where do they live, STG?

I'll get em.

SDT even

Me neither Hully. And I disagree completely that excluding a bully is in fact bullying them.

I don't think all bullies are necessarily victims themselves. And ven if they are it is not a justification. Some of them may have some complicated issues around low self esteem, but quite frankly I don't give a shiney shite about that or about them, if they choose to boost their self esteem by systematically destroying someone else's.

differentnameforthis we're going to have to agree to disagree here. You weren't there. You are projecting your own difficult experiences onto her. She wasn't 'used for sex' or raped. She was a typical experimenting teenager who made a mistake. I have sympathy for girls in those situations. One of my closest friends lost her virginity in a car park because her mother bullied her and she had a terrible home life. My bully was just a bully.

I just think it's depressing that the worst fate to befall a woman seems to be to be fat and working in a service industry. Anyway, I reckon most of these stories are made up!

Curlew report the posts you think are made up. Don't glibly tell victims of bullying what happened to them didn't happen.

I laughed my head off when I heard that one of the many people who made my life hell at school was losing his home when his business went bust.

I don't care what anyone thinks about me for saying that; my life was hell throughout my childhood and indeed into early adulthood. The bully I mentioned was still vile to me when we were 16+ and doing A-levels.

Eventually I became successful and have a great career and lovely family. I hope that none of the people who hurt me so much are enjoying their lives.

I don't normally give them a second thought - other than this thread reminding me about them - but they did affect my esteem badly.

Op, if I was you and found my bully working in a car wash I would drive through the biggest pile of steaming cow shit I could find and sit there as smug as a fucking smug thing while they washed it off.

That's nothing to do with looking on down on someone because of their job - I really couldn't care less what anyone's job is - but if it gives an opportunity to enjoy some 'light' revenge then great.

Sue, I really did misread the post, I already explained last night and SDTG and I PM'ed and sorted it out so not sure why you have come back this morning using sarcastic little '' on the word missed.

But whatever.

Peace out everybody.

Sorry, I don't buy the 'they were just a child' crap. Many of them know what they're doing is wrong. I don't really care why they were doing it, I know they made my life a living hell and I can't forgive them for that. If that makes me a bad person so be it.

Also just to add, not once whilst I was having a shit time did I bully anyone else to make me feel better. I have never looked down on anyone for a job they do, the size they are, their attractiveness or anything like that. I will look down on someone if they treat people in a bad way, I might then use the job, size or attractiveness etc as an insult, knowing that they themselves used it as an insult to others.

For those of you who've been able to forgive your bully's, good for you, we'll done but don't you dare tell me that my feelings are insignificant and that what my former bully went through made it ok for them to be that way to me.

I don't need to forgive, I'm not bitter and hateful, I've not thought of any of the people who bullied me for years, if they're happy and successful in their life, good for them, I don't wish them ill, I have no desire for revenge, but I would find it funny if I heard that they turned out to be something they thought undesirable.

It's sad reading through more of this thread how people really have been affected by bullying. It really does stay with you for life and can affect so much later on. I guess getting older most of us can out it behind us eventually.

Over the years I've met several of the boys who used to bully me in such a terrible way. All perfectly present and out of their way to speak to me which I guess was their way of easing their conscience and trying to make amens without really knowing what to say which is fine. I don't wish any of them I'll. I've done ok with my life and met my amazing DH literally months after leaving school over 17 years ago so I'm the winner there.

One lad particularly made me smile. He was so evil to me at school every day (funnily enough it was mainly the boys who traumatised me, in droves...and from all years, while I was there. The girls, although, would look down at me, rarely did anything too horrid) gangs of them used to sit near me so they could slag me off and throw things at me. Anyway I remember one break time I had just had enough of him, I stood up went over to his table grabbed him off his seat by the collar and twitted him as hard as I could in the face. Now I have NO idea how I didn't land in the shit big time because this was in front of a crowded dinner hall. I sat back down again and that was the end of that. He did back off after that.

Years after leaving school I went into a pub and he was there. He came over to me and gave me the most genuine apology and told me that the moment I hit him was the moment he realised what a knob he was and what knobs he had been hanging around with. He says he totally deserved that punch and it was basically a wake up call for him and he eventually stopped hanging around with those people. He said he felt terrible for the relentless bullying that he used to do to me. For me that absolutely showed that he had balls and I would never hold anything against someone who could be so remorseful and genuine about something he regretted. I've had a couple more like that since but not quite so heart felt as that, and totally respect him for that.

My arch nemesis of several years dropped dead recently. Totally unexpected and far too young. It's a weird feeling. I have wished her life to be in ruins many times, and I've imagined scenarios and hatched fantasy plots where I get to ruin her myself.

But this...this is freaky. I smiled when I heard. Well first I went and then I went quietly to myself. I keep waiting for some sense of guilt or compassion or forgiveness to kick in, but no. It just ain't happenin'.

I am usually very nice.

Fucking iPad dick and its stupid predictive text. I'll punch it and feel no remorse!

I was bullied for years. Just the slow drip, drip, drip of people not liking me and excluding me. I was the fat kid who always seemed to miss what was 'in' even from primary school, before blossoming into a truly awkward, socially inept, unpopular teenager. Having people bitch, snipe and exclude you; set you up for practical jokes where you were wrong if you put on a brave front and wrong if you showed you were upset and attack you for what you looked like wore me down till there wasn't much left.

But I don't think about them at all. Why should I? They were just stupid children behaving stupidly.

Since school I've been lucky enough to develop a very wide social circle and some very close friends. I?m successful at work, have a fab family. What a waste of energy it would be to give time to people from school?

Living locally (small town mentality around here) makes it easy for me to know what has happened to some of them. One is a successful journalist on a national paper. One died young from cancer. One has a PhD in something bizarre and one works in my local town centre. Just a normal cross-section of people, whose only link together in my mind is that they made my life hell for a few years. The only time I've ever felt anything close to schadenfreude was when I saw that one of them who picked on me for being fat was now larger than I have ever been.

Giving people who picked on you at school any thought at all is giving them power way beyond where it ended. Expecting some sort of contrition or apology is setting you up for a massive fall as they probably either don?t remember it the way you do or just don?t care. Learning to look-forward and learning how to deal with the self-esteem issues of being bullied, is a much better way of dealing with the situation than expecting some remorse from them, or feeling a vicious pleasure when you find out about their misfortune.

I don't think YABU, OP. it's not about the job, it's about the tables being turned on someone who used to treat you like shit.

I used to nanny and the 18yo of the family used to go on about what a shit, menial, thicko's Job I had and how she wanted more for herself.
After she finished Uni, I was told by someone who saw her in my nanny agency being turned down for a job as it's a skilled profession that she lacked experience for. Oh how I !!

I saw bullied for years in secondary school (and outside by girls who went to another school)

One of them I saw in the pub when I was in my 20's. She screamed and shouted abuse at me like we were 15 again. I'd said nothing to her. I felt very sorry for her, she obviously had real problems I found out later she was addicted to Crack. She died last year and I actually felt really sad as I know her family, who are all lovely. No one deserves to end up like that.

Another of my bullies now works with vulnerable children and when I saw her in a pub she apologised for what she'd done to me. I refused to punch her even though she asked me to!! (she was very drunk!)

I'm amazed at all these bullies that have ended up single, childless, unable to drive/afford a naice car and with a low paid job, all because of Karma.

That Mother Teresa must have been a right bitch at school! ;)

I've has bullies both as a kid and adult.

One childhood bully tried to commit suicide after mot being able to cope the medicine degree her mum always bragged about. She came into my place of work looking for advice. I gave it and felt sorry for her. She did look extremely uncomfortable being helped by me but when she saw my mum later she said how helpful I'd been. So people do change

Other childhood bully looked (seriously) like a witch. Sticky out chin etc. she had years of facial surgery. Made me feel very smug.

There are some bullies who have yet to have the downfall I pray they'll get. They seem to carry on being the queen bees.

And I loved my student job in asda. I don't look down on these workers at all. All that matters is your personality.

I feel if someone visibly regrets/feels embarrassed by seeing you again, that's enough for me to move on, regardless of what job they have. I've had a few bullies I've seen since who I can tell regret their behaviour and that makes me no longer angry with them.

No idea if I'm making sense lol

You feel smug because someone had to endure loads of surgery

Whatever ones view on wishing ex bullies miserable there is surely a line? The 'she had years of facial surgery' comment is way, way over the line IMO.