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Original poster

To have smiled sweetly and said nothing to this school bully

515 replies

DrinkFromMyFountain · 05/09/2013 14:55

14 years ago I left school. There was one girl who made my life hell, said a load of nasty things about me and told me I would never amount to anything. She also said I'd end up single and Childless at 30 working in a shop. (NB I see nothing wrong with this, but it was meant in a horrible, nasty, put downy way). This was amongst various other things she said and did to try to make my life a misery.

This morning I took my car to the car wash and saw her working there washing cars.

I ordered my car wash for my naice car with my baby DS in the back and said "fancy seeing you here". She made a grimace of a face and carried on with her work.

Karma you beauty.

OP posts:
HappyYoni · 06/09/2013 23:03

Yeah but it's interspersed with wine and snacks...keeping it civilised :)

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:04

"not doing so well" means not as happy as they would wosh

Soz, marmalade, the shopping thing was hours ago, had forgotten about it

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:04

wish

RussiansOnTheSpree · 06/09/2013 23:10

I think the people who are missing the point are the ones who think it's ok to get 'revenge', to wish people ill and to be pleased they 'aren't doing well'. Absolutely be please that your life is going well, there's nothing wrong with that. But it sounds as those some people in this thread are letting the bullying they may have received define them, and still be influencing their life years later. That's not 'winning'.

Also, karma? It's not a 2 leg game. It doesn't stop. If you've gone over to the dark side then karma will notice that.

My Dd1 has been horrendously bullied at school. She doesn't wish her bullies ill she just wishes them far away from her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/09/2013 23:10

Thing is, I think everyone is right here, on some level. Being gleeful at perceived misfortune isn't nice, but when you have been bullied it isn't always easy - or even possible - to be nice about the bully. I think it is pretty normal to want to show the person who bullied you that you have done fine despite them, and career is one of the ways that people rate themselves and others.

For me, the bullying was name calling and exclusion. Would I like to go to a party and be the centre of attention, with the bullies excluded and sidelined and feeling left out - yes, I would. I know it is petty, and unpleasant of me, and I don't like myself for wanting it - but I do think it Is normal.

Maybe, at the point when we are properly healed, we won't feel that schadenfreude at the bullies' situations. Until then maybe people could understand why we feel this way, even thought you don't approve of it. I don't expect you to approve, btw - you are right, it isn't a laudable thing, to gloat.

superstarheartbreaker · 06/09/2013 23:15

I dont feel like karma has worked for me. Bullieds wrecked my self-esteem and I have had two breakdowns as a result. My career isnt great and im single but happier than I was. The best revenge for me was when a bully askd to be my friend on facebook and I ignored her! I

curlew · 06/09/2013 23:17

I quite often have feelings that I am, I think, perfectly justified in feeling- but I am a bit ashamed of, and wouldn't want people to know I had. So I would have a private moment of gloat or yessssssss! but would keep it to myself.

curlew · 06/09/2013 23:18

And for the record- I suspect 50% of the stories on here are wishful thinking......

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:18

I didn't say it was okay to "get revenge"

I said it was normal to be glad at feeling one had one's revenge from seeing the tables turned

That is very different from saying one actively seeks it

FreeWee · 06/09/2013 23:19

curlew me too. Only I shared my private gloat moment on MN. Big mistake Blush

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:24

Honesty is never a mistake, freewee. It isn't your mistake/problem

MarmaladeTwatkins · 06/09/2013 23:25

I don't want to be 'nice' to my bullies as such. I just don't get being smug about the job they do. It says fuck all about them. They could have a degree, nice house, nice life but just don't care about a career.

I'd be happy if my bully apologised to me and had changed because that would further validate that it wasn't me with a problem and also because I don't want someone damned to an eternally crap life just because they were a shit in their youth. It just doesn't sit right with me to be happy that someone who likely had a shit life when they are being a fucking terror is still living a shit life. It's sad. I can't see where the joy comes from. That's not to say I Wang to hug my bully, I just can't get happiness from misery. I'd rather be indifferent.

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:26

In fact , it's interesting because honesty to oneself about one's feelings is th efirst step towards thinking about how and why we feel as we do. And then possibly changing the feelings slowly.

So really it's a very positive thing.

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:27

You do so Wang

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:27

im sorry it made me laugh

HappyYoni · 06/09/2013 23:28

I guess there really is no such thing as a 'normal' reaction. What might seem normal to me seems utterly wacky to you and vice versa. I do understand the difference between people who actively seek revenge and people who just get off on feeling like they have done better/are happier/whatever.
But I think SDTG is right, it isn't ideal and does indicate that theres still some part of the healing process that hasn't happened yet, but it is understandable.
I do think there is no getting away from the inherent snobbery in the ha ha look whos got a crappy job approach, it is very unlikely that someone who currently works in a shop would think that about another shop worker,only someone who thinks they somehow have a higher status would take pleasure from knowing that someone's else did nt achieve the career hey once imagined they would have.

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:31

Thinking that "forgiveness" equals "healing" is just a New Testament turn the other cheek hangover.

The meek don't inherit the earth, they get trampled by the oligarchs

RussiansOnTheSpree · 06/09/2013 23:32

marmalade exactly. I was bullied because I was clever and dyspraxic and my bullies weren't. Exactly the same thing has happened to both my DDs. Only Dd1 has suffered far worse than I ever did. I don't know what happened to my bullies after we all left school, and I don't care. I know what happened to me, and that's what matters. I am happy with my life and I'm happy I'm not all bitter. What happened to me at school doesn't define me. Dd1 seems to be taking the same approach (although the bullying she received has generated some serious and permanent consequences :( ) and I'm pleased about that. Being a victim of bullying should be a footnote to her life. Not a main headline. And it shouldn't be allowed to mould her character.

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:32

a New Testament turn the other cheek hangover.

adopted into psychobabble, I meant to say
where's the proof?

RussiansOnTheSpree · 06/09/2013 23:36

Where's the proof of what?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 06/09/2013 23:37

So sorry Russian, for you and your poor Dd. I'm glad that you seem ok :)

Wang? Oh yes.

Hullygully · 06/09/2013 23:39

where's the proof that "forgiveness" = "healing"?

Apart from teh hearsay of Jesus and Gandhi and the absence of ned of Siddharta, where's the proof?

reelingintheyears · 06/09/2013 23:39

About DS2 and bullying, i'm a bit glad that the boy who was the biggest git to him at school is working.
I do know his Mum left when he was small and his Dad worked a lot but wasn't the best situation for him or his sisters.

I don't wish him a bad life, I hope he's a nicer person now.

And DS is happy and that's all I really care about now.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 06/09/2013 23:40

I don't necessarily think that turning the other cheek is the way to go. I do, however, believe in letting go. It's crucial to self preservation. Your bully isn't affected by your anger. You are. It's easier to hate and be angry than to let go. I'm not even saying forgive, I'd never be so presumptuous, but letting go and not caring is incredibly liberating.

HappyYoni · 06/09/2013 23:40

Well I can only speak from my own experience, I haven't studied this so I don't know if it's common. But I know when I think about the people (adults incidentally) who treated me horribly when I was a child, who hurt me and broke me and put me through some terrible shit, I genuinely hope they are happy now. I do not wish them any harm and I do not feel the need to gloat if stuff goes wrong in their lives. The same also applies actually to an abusive ex. I realise this is different to childhood bullying but this is my experience of forgiveness.

I am not religious and I do not believe in the bible or anything like that, but I do believe that that carrying negativity around will do me no favours. So I wish everyone well albeit I would never want to spend time with them, I could never be friends with these people but I am happy in my life and I hope that they have also learnt and grown from their mistakes as have I.

I do not consider myself to meek by any definition of the word, and I feel liberated rather than trampled.

But I also realise we are all different and deal with things in different ways, and as I said I have absolutely no evidence to support the notion that my way is the best way!

I know this sounds so evangelical and I'm really not like that, I just can't think of anther way to say it, for me personally forgiveness did lead to healing and happiness.

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