to think that I am not 'lucky' or being 'ungrateful'

[BuskersCat]

Basically I asked DDs father to buy her some SHOES for pre-school, proper full shoes (colour doesn't matter at pre-school) XP bought Dd a pair of trainers, I thanked him for them, closed the front door and moaned at DP that he had bought trainers and that I'd have to swap them for shoes and make up the shortfall in price.

DP thinks I am being ungrateful and that I am lucky. I disagree, we get £61 a month from the CSA for dd, I thought the least he could do is buy her a pair of shoes for school, bearing in mind in 3 and a half years this will be the second pair of shoes he has bought her.

I don't think a father buying shoes is lucky I think it should be expected, especially since the maintenance we receive is so low. DP thinks this was nice of him. I also think that changing them from shoes isn't me being ungrateful, I said thank-you for them!

velvet just because sadly your ex and many other ex's pay nothing or very little does not mean other who receive maintenance or good maintenance should be grateful. it is what nrp should be doing at the very least

it is so sad that we expect so little from nrp (and yes i do mean men as women are judged very differently) that when a father acts as a responsible nrp we hail him as some sort of hero rather than a parent doing what he should do

She didn't need leather shoes though? It's not like it was a uniform requirement or anything, it was simply the OPs preference. Possibly her Ex thought trainers were more suitable.

Next time she can ask him for the cash instead.

I think there are two different issues here.

Of course she shouldn't be grateful just because a father is providing something for her child. That is what parents should do.

But it does seem that the shoe issue is a bit of an over reaction. he got what he felt was right, she didn't agree but the shoes he got seemingly were suitable if anything more suitable than what the OP wanted given they were for preschool.

I didn't say she should be grateful for the maintenance freudian. I said she should be grateful he spent £30 on footwear, when he could have spent a tenner.

I'd never have spent that much on children's shoes myself.

I agree with Velvet, amongst others.

I personally think that he bought her decent trainers, but because OP didn't get the expensive pair that she was expecting, she's pissed off. DD is happy whatever, and that's really the point isn't it?

And I'm someone that has money from the CSA by force, and whose ex hasn't seen his dd for 10 years

ditzy - yes Clarks do sell canvas type trainer things

one example of many
www.clarks.co.uk/p/20353934

But not with lights on like the op said they had.

He could and arguably should have just bought what was requested or rung from the shop and suggested something else or refused in the first place.. Instead he has set a precedent, ignoring the request and buying something he knew op didnt want, probably knowing and hoping full well op won't bother to ask again because his input becomes more of a pita than anything else

Well you could also argue he has set a precedent of buying things outside of cm which a lot of nrp's don't do. It's only a pair of shoes, and not the cheapest ones either. It sounds like his heart was in the right place.

On balance maintaining a good working relationship with the ex is more important than a pair of shoes

oops sorry missed the lights

I can't see any with lights

Child maintenance which he evades paying on a long term basis hopping! So whoopee he has bought the wrong shoes after shirking his financial responsibilities to his dd as often as he can. Great guy! It sounds to me more like he bought cheaper shoes because he feels he shouldn't have and doesnt want to pay for things for dd, but rather than being a complete arsehole, bought the wrong ones, knowing they wouldn't suit but leaving him some extra beer/whatever money.also knowing op will think twice about asking him again, as it will likely mean she will have to go and exchange whatever it is and pay more for the right thing
It's not just about the frikking shoes. Maintaining a good working relationship is a 2 way thing. Why should op have to put up and shut up because her exp willfully evades financially supporting his dc, and has bought the wrong shoes rather than none at all, and be grateful. Exp is hardly behaving in the spirit of cooperation

you are not being unreasonable op.
but some on this thread most definitely are.

YANBU OP at all. I'm really surprised at some of the responses to be honest. Kids need (in the winter) a pair of leather shoes or boots. They don't need to be expensive, mothercare do a lovely red pair in pre-school sizes for £15! It just needs thought an shopping around.

Haven't read the whole thread so this may have been said already, but:

Does he know he got the wrong thing? If I sent dh to get kids shoes he would most probably not know where to start and not even know the difference between shoes and trainers!

YANBU to expect him to help out and buy shoes, You MAY BU expecting him to know what you want!

just an after thought I see the words 'shoes' and 'trainers' as two completely different things!
if somebody had asked me to get shoes I would return with shoes.

I explicitly said which shoes to get. The same pair as last time, because they were brilliant. I don't like children walking in wellies all the time.

He bought something like this but the sides weren't leather they were like fabric, DD has had them before and once wet the fabric sides absorb the water and the lights break.

Re things being tight, it's only for the next 2 weeks while tax credits pull their heads out their arses everything is all paid for just 2 weeks

Personally I can think of nothing better for nursery purposes that shoes like that!

Ds Has never had contact with his ' father ' and Has never been bought a pair of shoes . csa can't track him down for payments either - no idea why because I have told them his address as its actually in the same town as myself . sigh . have give us after 17 years of nothing so now I don't bother , last time I contacted them to tell them about the new car if had bought and his new address I was promised the darth and backpaymenus and still got nothing so I give up .

I would not be grateful if he turned up tomorrow on my doorstep with 17 years worth of shoes or backpayments to be honest .

I think your dp is just trying to keep the peace, its annoying to you but I think that's what he is doing.

some men do need very clear instructions, so maybe your ex wouldn't see what he had done wrong by getting dd trainers - however I Am a suspicious bitch and would be wondering if it was some sort of powertrip to get not quite what you asked for at a cheaper price so you don't bother asking for anything again . like my ds being crap at washing up so I just do it myself next time

I totally sympathise, my ex pays £60 per month and won't buy anything extra at all for our son. Even if he buys him a birthday gift he won't let him bring it home to play with here as it was bought with his money so stays in his house!

It's frustrating that he didn't listen to you, but I'd just swap them for a pair more suitable. Would he maybe give you extra money to buy shoes next time rather than getting the wrong ones?

Being grateful to a parent for buying there child an essential item is a bit like being grateful that your husband does not beat you.

Oh and I actually think the shoes he got seem fine for nursery and can't see why her feet would get wet in them?

LMS he is the same, he has her every other weekend and I know she has asked him if she can bring something back and she has told me before that he has told her no.