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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I am not 'lucky' or being 'ungrateful'

215 replies

BuskersCat · 04/09/2013 14:14

Basically I asked DDs father to buy her some SHOES for pre-school, proper full shoes (colour doesn't matter at pre-school) XP bought Dd a pair of trainers, I thanked him for them, closed the front door and moaned at DP that he had bought trainers and that I'd have to swap them for shoes and make up the shortfall in price.

DP thinks I am being ungrateful and that I am lucky. I disagree, we get £61 a month from the CSA for dd, I thought the least he could do is buy her a pair of shoes for school, bearing in mind in 3 and a half years this will be the second pair of shoes he has bought her.

I don't think a father buying shoes is lucky I think it should be expected, especially since the maintenance we receive is so low. DP thinks this was nice of him. I also think that changing them from shoes isn't me being ungrateful, I said thank-you for them!

OP posts:
NightScentedStock · 04/09/2013 14:44

Only 61 pounds a month....it cant get much worse than that, that's very very little in the way of child maintenance,

MissStrawberry · 04/09/2013 14:45

Your DP doesn't have high expectations of being a father if he thinks you should be lucky and grateful for what your ex has done. His attitude would piss me off almost more than the trainers being bought when you said it had to be shoes.

NightScentedStock · 04/09/2013 14:46

YY miss s I was thinking the same

CocacolaMum · 04/09/2013 14:47

I am confused. Are you saying you wanted the clarks doodles canvas shoes and he got trainers? but surely the doodles aren't great for the autumn are they?

diddl · 04/09/2013 14:48

YANBU.

You asked for shoes & he bought trainers.

MorphyBrown · 04/09/2013 14:52

He has a child! Just because he's on a low income doesn't stop her from needing food, clothes, toys, a roof over her head ...

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/09/2013 14:56

He has a child! Just because he's on a low income doesn't stop her from needing food, clothes, toys, a roof over her head ...

All DCs need those things - lots of families are on low income and manage; they have to; secondhand shoes, handmedowns etc.
Just because this DCs parents aren't together doesn't give her the right to a higher standard of living than if they were.

olidusUrsus · 04/09/2013 14:56

Yy MissS the DP has pissed me off more than the ex, personally...

OP YANBU. Pain in the arse to have to go and change them, but at least your DD isn't too fussed.

WallaceWindsock · 04/09/2013 14:57

I don't understand threads like this ATM. It doesn't matter whether half the posters on here think trainers are ok for preschool, the OP specified he wasn't to get trainers. It's not difficult to understand is it - she gave him specific instructions as to what type of shoes her DD needed as she is the RP and knows what the shoes will be used for, that they needed to be leather and waterproof etc. He ignored this and got trainers.

There would be no excuse for this behaviour from a RP to their partner so why is it ok from a NRP? It isn't.

JumpingJackSprat · 04/09/2013 15:00

Yabu. if you wanted to be fussy about it you should have bought them yourself.

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti · 04/09/2013 15:00

Without knowing the rights and wrongs over types of shoes, I think it is pretty off for your DP to say you should be 'grateful'. Hmm

Why, exactly? Your child is your ex's child - she's not an extension of you! He didn't buy you anything, he bought her something, and not what was ideal anyway.

Does your DP not understand this? Where would gratitude come into it?

needaholidaynow · 04/09/2013 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStrawberry · 04/09/2013 15:03

JJS - who rattled your cage? Hmm

Retroformica · 04/09/2013 15:04

Trainers are great for preschool. Very practical.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/09/2013 15:07

There would be no excuse for this behaviour from a RP to their partner so why is it ok from a NRP? It isn't.

There certainly is no excuse for giving anyone 'specific instructions' about clothing/footwear when they are an equal in the DCs life!
Dad decided the shoes he bought were ok. The OP disagrees. So, the solution is that she buys what her DC needs herself if she wants to be certain it meets her standards!

MorphyBrown · 04/09/2013 15:08

'Just because this DCs parents aren't together doesn't give her the right to a higher standard of living than if they were'

He has a child. Full stop. If you are low income parents living with a child you make sacrifices all the time. You put their needs first. Anyone who pays the minimum amount (what the CSA sets) is pretty pathetic.

MorphyBrown · 04/09/2013 15:10

Perhaps the OP thought instructions were in order because this is only the second pair of shoes he has bought his child in 3 and a half years.

Gracie990 · 04/09/2013 15:10

Just buy some wellies for the walk. Pumps are fine and children usually prefer them.

It's a tiny amount of money :-( I can see hoe unfair it seems but he's struggling too without doubt.

SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 15:11

I'm stunned that people are saying you should feel lucky to get £61 a month for your DD's upkeep.
And you're supposed to be pitifully grateful that in her lifetime he has managed to buy 2 pairs of shoes (and one of those was useless to her)? Hmm
YADNBU

needaholidaynow · 04/09/2013 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/09/2013 15:11

Anyone who pays the minimum amount (what the CSA sets) is pretty pathetic.

Right. So a bankrupt, homeless parent is better than a pair of handmedown shoes?

The real world is a lot tougher than you think.

Many NRP have made significant sacrifices already, both in terms if material things and in terms of their role in their DCs lives.

SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 15:11

I'm stunned that people are saying you should feel lucky to get £61 a month for your DD's upkeep.
And you're supposed to be pitifully grateful that in her lifetime he has managed to buy 2 pairs of shoes (and one of those was useless to her)? Hmm
YADNBU

MorphyBrown · 04/09/2013 15:12

Extras? Two pairs of shoes in 3 and a half years??

ithaka · 04/09/2013 15:12

His child, he went shopping, he chose her shoes. As her father, he is as entitled to his shoe choices for his daughter as you are. You have a different opinion, but that doesn't mean you are right (or that your opinion isn't influenced by your opinion of your ex...)

SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 15:13

Don't know why that's posted twice. Hmm