to think that I am not 'lucky' or being 'ungrateful'

[BuskersCat]

Basically I asked DDs father to buy her some SHOES for pre-school, proper full shoes (colour doesn't matter at pre-school) XP bought Dd a pair of trainers, I thanked him for them, closed the front door and moaned at DP that he had bought trainers and that I'd have to swap them for shoes and make up the shortfall in price.

DP thinks I am being ungrateful and that I am lucky. I disagree, we get £61 a month from the CSA for dd, I thought the least he could do is buy her a pair of shoes for school, bearing in mind in 3 and a half years this will be the second pair of shoes he has bought her.

I don't think a father buying shoes is lucky I think it should be expected, especially since the maintenance we receive is so low. DP thinks this was nice of him. I also think that changing them from shoes isn't me being ungrateful, I said thank-you for them!

That was my thinking too Twas.

YANBU

you should never have to feel grateful what message does that give your daughter. he should have used his common sense. i often get told ds and i are lucky because he pays what he should and sees ds every week i doubt many people would claim the ex and ds were lucky if i was the nrp

Missed the lights bit (I should learn to read) Trainers have flashing lights yes Doodles do not. Was your DD with him (thinking DDDAAADDDYYY please buy me the flashing lights ...)

However should not feel lucky FGS

YANBU- he is her father

Oh for God's sake, she's a SAHP. Do you think parents who work in the home don't 'support' their children and that a parent who pays £61 per month towards their child's upkeep trumps this? Seriously??

Well. exactly. The OP supports her DC in non-monatary ways.

My point is that a NRP can also do a damn sight more in terms of 'providing' for their DCs than paying maintenance for them - but this thread exposes the double standards that exist in society.
There have been some very offensive generalisations made on this thread - things implied about my DDs Dad because he pays the minimum CSA calculation alone and I find them offensive because of the implication about my judgement.

There are crap dads who avoid paying and there are great Dads who do a lot more than just pay. There are also mercenary mums who measure their DCs dads contribution in solely financial terms.

What is your point though china?
It is a sad fact that the csa is most often used by rps to try and get a little bit of financial support for the upbringing of their children. As the maximum is 15% iirc that's hardly mercenary is it, and as there is no entitlement ex cept via the courts for top up maintenance, so being mercenary doesn't come into it. Unless you think demanding what your child is entitled to is mercenary.
So people make generalisations because generally those who have to resort to the csa are dealing with nrps who feel they have no obligation to support their children in any shape or form. If these nrps were reasonable the csa wouldn't exist!
Why do you use the csa?

Any NRP that pays £20 pm under duress towards the upkeep of their DC is scum.

Agreed SirRaymond. My ex is/has been a refuser, job hopper and, most recently, left a job and went on the dole specifically so he didn't have to pay maintenance. He's now on the dole and probably also earns a fortune working cash in hand and pays £5 per fortnight under duress. He is the very definition of scum.

OP, it sounds like your ex didn't like being told what to do, so to speak, and bought the opposite to what you requested on purpose. He sounds like an arse. Sorry.

Soft :( Why can't they see that it's their children they are contributing towards. You're hardly going to be heading towards Harvey Nicks clicking your heels in the air with his 'hard earned cash' are you?! They make my blood boil.

Next time ask him to purchase a gift voucher then you can choose them yourself, £35 should cover it anything left over can go towards the next pair.

China sahp with a partner who works usually decide to do that togather because they are happy with its not the same thing as not giving a shit if your child eats or not.

Needaholiday,

Its not just unemployed nrp's who get away with £5pw. Many employed high earners do as well because a few of the benefits included in the automatic £5 list are none means tested off the top of my head an army disablement pension is one to get any earnings on top of that taken into account you have to apply for a variation order it takes ages and if they are self employed you stand no chance.

The £5 pw assessments are also not per child its £5 that gets divided between all none resident children.

And many lone parents work

I'd expect unemployed XH to pay a bit more than someone who has to buy his own food, loo-roll, soap, razors, cleaning products and pay his own bills including council tax contribution out of their JSA.

He is not raising children. He is not cooking or cleaning. The only thinh he had to do was to go to work every day and even that was too hard for him because he expected to keep all of his wages as pocket money.

His mother enables him because, "when my DD got pregnant at fifteen she didn't get any help from the boy"

His late father would not have tolerated it and my Dad finds this attitude so far outside his own experience and moral code that he genuinely can't understand it at all and thinks it must be rare.

Long story SirRaymond but he chose not to be involved in DS's life, so I doubt he ever gives DS a second thought, let alone worries about how little he contributes. I'm single so don't have a partner to help with household income. Lucky I work or else we'd starve .

Wornout's gift voucher idea is a good one. Would he agree to that next time, OP?

Do Doodles come with lights now? Or are these actual trainers and not canvas shoes?

I don't think you should be grateful, OP. But I do wonder if you're over egging the situation a bit.

If things are so tight financially, then you really, really ought to be looking for a pt job, for your own and your daughter's sake.

Why do you use the csa?

As I said upthread - my DDs dad has a debt repayment plan and CSA forms a part of that.

I take it they are canvas so a summer shoe - canvas will not keep dry in the rain.

yanbu to not feel lucky and you are not ungrateful.

Thats what is confusing people Maddening. The OP mentioned trainers with lights and then said they were canvas but clarks don't sell such a thing do they?

I am still reading it as you asked him to get doodles (the clarks canvas shoes) and he came back with trainers. Is that not correct?

Totally with you on that OP. Men like your ex-partner and my ex grudgingly pay the minimum they can get away with (in my ex's case nothing). Then when you very rarely manage to squeeze something extra out of them it's crap. I'm sure it doesn't cost £122pcm to maintain your DD I.e assuming his £61 was half the cost IYSWIM. So a little extra every now and again would be good. Bloody tight bastard.

Op asked for Leather shoes, and got fabric trainers

I do think you should be grateful he paid c. £30, albeit for trainers you didn't like (but that you could easily change, at minimal cost).

He could have paid £10 for a pair of proper shoes from Asda/ Shoe Express - what would you prefer?

Personally at that age, I wouldn't be too bothered about the trainers (and actually given my DC's propensity to find mud and other horrors to step in, I preferred trainers which could be shoved in the washing machine). I would also have appreciated that he didn't just buy the cheapest supermarket footwear he could find.

Plenty of fathers pay nothing for their DC. My Ex is one of them. Luckily I'm able to earn enough not to need to rely on him for anything.

I am baffled that anyone thinks op should ge grateful for her exp buying the wrong footwear for his daughter and blatantly ignoring her request for leather shoes.

The shoes are for his dd, why on earth should op be grateful when the father persistently shirks his financial and moral obligations to his child

I know nothing about CSA so can't comment, but I am puzzled by the shoes (probably not the real point). If he bought her Clarks trainers then they are all made of leather - both DD and DNiece have worn Clarks trainers for winter shoes for a couple of years. I'd be surprised if he got Doodles (the canvas ones), they're a summer range and I didn't think Clarks would still have them in stock in September.

Can you link to the shoes OP?