to think that I am not 'lucky' or being 'ungrateful'

[BuskersCat]

Basically I asked DDs father to buy her some SHOES for pre-school, proper full shoes (colour doesn't matter at pre-school) XP bought Dd a pair of trainers, I thanked him for them, closed the front door and moaned at DP that he had bought trainers and that I'd have to swap them for shoes and make up the shortfall in price.

DP thinks I am being ungrateful and that I am lucky. I disagree, we get £61 a month from the CSA for dd, I thought the least he could do is buy her a pair of shoes for school, bearing in mind in 3 and a half years this will be the second pair of shoes he has bought her.

I don't think a father buying shoes is lucky I think it should be expected, especially since the maintenance we receive is so low. DP thinks this was nice of him. I also think that changing them from shoes isn't me being ungrateful, I said thank-you for them!

I agree morphy

The mercenary attitude of some resident Mums sickens me.

If my DDs dad was out if work, the last thing is expect is for him to pay me maintenance; my priority is that she continues to have contact with him and to do that, he needs a home and to live locally - even if that means we all have to cut back and make sacrifices.

How is she being mercenary?

You know what that word means, right?

He bought shoes. Which his DD needs.

Many nrps haven't made significant sacrifices too china , they choose to stand by and let the rp struggle and suffer financially and emotionally and walk away from their moral and financcial responsibilities to their child, sometimes blinded by anger at the thought of 1p of that maintenance being spent on something the rp might gain some tiny thing from. If in rhis case the nrp couldn't afford the shoes he should have said so, I suspect he may just have been being tight.

Not the OP - the assertion from others that paying CSA calculated maintenance is pathetic - and that regardless of income, the NRP should pay.

Why are fabric trainers suitable for pre-school in the autumn??

It is a right faff for children to have to keep putting wellies on when it is just damp rather than wet. Shoes are far more practical.

And that's what the OP asked for. He was just being bloody-minded. And if he couldn't afford what was requested he could have said so!

I wish people would RTFT!!

And no OP, necessities/items for his own child, do not require gratitude or luck!!

YANBU.

He pays 61 whole English pounds a month towards his daughter's upkeep and you're supposed to feel grateful that he bought her shoes that are not fit for purpose? As for people describing you as being 'mercenary', ignore the fools.

Your DP sounds like a twerp too.

To answer some questions

He evaided the CSA for 18months, he moved to a job where he does shift work, CSa is based on his contracted hours, the reality is he does much much more than those hours.

He lives with his parents still and pays a nominal sum a month all in (£200) so doesn't have a house to run etc

Dp thinks I shuold be grateful because some NRPS give no money/extras, so anything extra is a bonus

Of course you wouldn't stop contact . But how is it 'mercenary' to expect fathers to pay towards cost of raising their children? The CSA amount is the bare minimum. I would be utterly ashamed of paying so little for my child.

You're talking about your ex losing his job. That's a short term change in finances, not one that goes on for years.

The irresponsible selfish attitude of fathers who go out of their way to avoid paying decent maintenance for the upbringing of their children sickens me.

It's not some 'spunk it up the wall on a few bottles of Rioja and 400 Bensons' payment - it's to feed, clothe and care for his child!

Why is it deemed acceptable for fathers in this country to be fucking sub-standard when it comes to doing their bit for their children?
And why are some women so brainwashed that they are enabling this??

We are talking about shoes FFS which are that childs basic human right, not a 3 weeks holiday to Disneyland!

nightscent that's true - every case is different - which is why generalisations such as paying the CSA calculated amount is pathetic and it should be more is mercenary and takes no account of circumstance and non-material benefits to the DCs.

Why am I not surprised by that BunkersCat. The kind of people who pay the CSA amount are the ones that have to have each penny squeezed out of them just to get them to face up to their responsibilities.

It might be worth asking your DP what he would imagine doing in that situation?

Surprise surprise, op's ex is playing the system to avoid financial responsibility for his child.

I did, he said he would not even have to be asked, and I believe hom. He pays all the bills and the rent so I can stay with DD and regularly buys her things without being asked to

You're talking about your ex losing his job. That's a short term change in finances, not one that goes on for years

Really? Long term unemployment doesn't exist? Right.

And I didn't call the OP mercenary; it was a comment to attitudes about demanding more money than a NRP can afford.

There will always be women who will act as apologists for fathers who go out of their way to avoid financially supporting their own children. They think they should be applauded for merely acknowledging their offspring.

Did your DP mean you should be grateful that he bought her shoes and not complain or that you should be grateful that he spent some money on her because he's usually so crap?

He meaning your ex.

Bit of both Morphy, more that I should be grateful that he has actually got off his arse and done something, but also because some mums get nothing. TBH we are grateful that he took some expense away from buying shoes, things are a bit tight atm

The kind of people who pay the CSA amount are the ones that have to have each penny squeezed out of them just to get them to face up to their responsibilities.

Rubbish.

My ex pays the CSA amount to me but is the most responsible and committed Dad I know.
His maintenance payment is accounted for in his debt management plan - the CSA calculated amount is all he can afford because it is protected from his creditors.
When he can, he buys DD extras - he doesn't give that to me and I wouldn't dream of asking for it!