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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what are you supposed to do when a 5 year old hits your 2 year old?

133 replies

Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 09:38

A tough one for me as I was raised by a dad who would have literally kicked the shit out of the 5 year old if that had been done to me (and he never got charged by the police but they knocked on our door a lot when I was a kid). However I don't want to ever hit a child so what should I do? We were at the children's play area at our local park and my son had managed to climb up the steps to the top of the slide. This girl who I am guessing was about 5 climbed up the slide itself, meaning my son could not slide down it and then when she got to the top punched my son and shouted "move out the way" as he was obstructing the top entrance to the slide. I shouted at her "do not punch my son or you are going to be in a lot of trouble" half expecting a set of thuggish parents to come over and start a row but parents were nowhere to be seen. She said "he has the top of the slide and is not sharing" to which I replied "you climbed up the slide and blocked it so you are te selfish one and you have now punched a little baby making you a nasty girl" she shut up then. As I was not exactly set a good example growing up I have no idea of how to handle a situation like this. What re you supposed to do?

OP posts:
Beeyump · 04/09/2013 12:29

Interesting to know how you will teach reasonable force.

squoosh · 04/09/2013 12:33

Arnie123 that sounds like a horrible situation for an 8 year old to have been in, combined with a parental role model who was quick with their fists I can see why you think it's important to teach your child to hit back.

But would it not be better to get them involved in something like karate where they learn to defend themselves but are also taught not to use violence indiscriminately.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 12:34

There is little point in going to the police unless you are the victim of a truly vicious attack. They will end up with a caution and a slap on the wrist

OP posts:
OneStepCloser · 04/09/2013 12:34

Um, if you teach him to hit then there is every chance that he will do it to hard one day, you`ve just said that you had no understanding that what you did was so dangerous, why should he?

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 12:35

Look what happened in the Nigella case. There was photographic evidence of a nasty assault and he got off with a caution, something I felt is an insult to domestic violence victims everywhere

OP posts:
Halfling · 04/09/2013 12:36

I would not have used so many words or called the 5 year old girl nasty.

Like Lottie I would have sternly said - "We don't hit" and requested the girl to share or take turns. If her parents were around, I would have politely asked them to intervene.

A 5 year old is still a child and does not need verbal aggression from a stranger.

WilsonFrickett · 04/09/2013 12:42

Where on earth does it say that the bigger kid punched OP's in the face btw?

And how does op know the child was in fact 5? My two six-foot plus DF's have produced a child who is more or less off the charts and she had no end of trouble with people expecting 'grown up' behaviour from him when he was still very young.

hardboiledpossum · 04/09/2013 12:44

There is every point in going to the police if someone hits you. I do not want people who are violent being able to work with vulnerable people. A caution will show up on a crb.

If you teach your son to hit hack there is a chance he could end up with a criminal record. This would close lots of doors to him in the future.

squoosh · 04/09/2013 12:50

Wilson I'm assuming the OP judged the child to be 5 based on the child's appearance, dexterity on climbing up the slide as well as her verbal skills. Not difficult to do really.

Beeyump · 04/09/2013 12:55

You spoke my mind, Wilson. Or wrote...

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 13:03

I judged her to be 5 based mainly on her physical appearance but I could have been a year or so out as she may have been particularly tall or short for her age. I define reasonable force as exactly that, whatever is reasonable to quickly bring an assault to an end and nothing more. I have has to use it only a few times as an adult, all but once against my dad for either beating me or my 5 foot 4 mother and once against a boyfriend who tried out his first incident of domestic violence on me. What pissed me off about that is when I naively phoned the police and he admitted he did assault me they let him off with a bloody caution despite the fact he was a martial artist and I later found out he had a long history of DV with his ex partners.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 13:03

Just to add I dumped the git that day!

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 04/09/2013 13:36

All these expectations of 5 year olds, they are still VERY young children and as such are not fully aware of their actions, that is why the criminal age of responsibility is 10 and not five! I

I have a 2 year old and 6 year old and I can't imagine him ever hurting her but he has to tolerate a lot of chaos that comes with having a toddler sister and he does get cross with her sometimes and shouts at her to leave his stuff alone. This is perfectly natural reaction for a child of six. When you only have the one child who is a toddler you can often have very high expectations of 'bigger' children but when they become the 'bigger' child you'll realise that it is not as straight forward as that.

'Civilised' behaviour may be an ideal but at 2 I think you should start with the 'ideal' otherwise it all becomes a bit depressing!

flowersinavase · 04/09/2013 13:50

Great response I think. Other than calling the girl nasty, but I can totally understand reacting like that.

5 yr olds know what they're doing and need to be held to account for it.

WilsonFrickett · 04/09/2013 14:02

Can all these people saying 'great response' really, hand on heart, say if they had been supervising their toddler at another part of the playground and had come back in time to miss the incident but hear the OP shouting 'You are going to be in a lot of trouble' and 'You are a nasty girl' at their 5 yo, that they'd be saying 'brilliant, thanks OP, you handled that perfectly?'

I think not. I think if you heard another adult yelling that at your small child - note, after she'd looked round to check that you were not around and not bigger/scarier than her - you would be posting a reverse AIBU right now.

squoosh · 04/09/2013 14:06

I think maybe the 'nasty' part was unnecessary but I'd realise that it was said in the heat of the moment. And if my 5 year old had punched a toddler yes, I would understand the other parent's reaction.

Hand on heart.

Goldenbear · 04/09/2013 14:09

Flowersinavase, of course they don't, it is still a learning curve. If all 5 year olds were fully aware of the consequences of their actions, the criminal age of responsibility would be post infant- which is a ridiculous notion!

Beeyump · 04/09/2013 14:11

flowersinavase I can't believe you actually think that. Five year olds!

needaholidaynow · 04/09/2013 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beeyump · 04/09/2013 14:13

WTF

DuelingFanjo · 04/09/2013 14:14

" She said "he has the top of the slide and is not sharing"

I feel your pain. I think by five years old most kids get the whole 'sharing' thing and love to make a big deal about how other (younger) kids aren't sharing because some times it helps them out of a situation where they know they are in the wrong.

Basically she should know better than to hit a smaller child. She was in the wrong. You were right to point out that hitting your son was bad.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 14:14

I did not yell it at her just said it. Can I ask as I do value your advice if my son gets punched by someone when he is older and at school what should I do?

OP posts:
squoosh · 04/09/2013 14:15

If an older kid punches him he should get away from him as quickly as possible and tell a teacher.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 14:17

He only stopped at the top of the slide as she was clambering up the slide itself so if he had slid down he would have bumped into her

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 04/09/2013 14:19

hmmm, have read the other replies.

Really? It's ok for a five year old to hit a two year old and be 'let off' because they don't understand about sharing yet?

really?

Clearly the OP told the girl off and she used the 'he wasn't sharing' line to justify her actions. Clearly the OP was right to tell her off - though maybe the words were a bit strong.
Perhaps if the girl had said 'sorry' then the OP wouldn't have had to tell her off even more.