Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what are you supposed to do when a 5 year old hits your 2 year old?

133 replies

Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 09:38

A tough one for me as I was raised by a dad who would have literally kicked the shit out of the 5 year old if that had been done to me (and he never got charged by the police but they knocked on our door a lot when I was a kid). However I don't want to ever hit a child so what should I do? We were at the children's play area at our local park and my son had managed to climb up the steps to the top of the slide. This girl who I am guessing was about 5 climbed up the slide itself, meaning my son could not slide down it and then when she got to the top punched my son and shouted "move out the way" as he was obstructing the top entrance to the slide. I shouted at her "do not punch my son or you are going to be in a lot of trouble" half expecting a set of thuggish parents to come over and start a row but parents were nowhere to be seen. She said "he has the top of the slide and is not sharing" to which I replied "you climbed up the slide and blocked it so you are te selfish one and you have now punched a little baby making you a nasty girl" she shut up then. As I was not exactly set a good example growing up I have no idea of how to handle a situation like this. What re you supposed to do?

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 04/09/2013 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItMyArseOrMyElbow · 04/09/2013 11:37

My (automatic) reaction is usually an "Oy!!!" bellowed across the room, followed by a Paddington hard stare at the child doing the pushing, regardless of whether it's my DS or somebody else's child.

I don't hit my DS, but have been informed of him pushing and scratching other children at nursery (and has also been pushed/scratched himself), he gets told it's wrong to be physical (in any way, as he's also a bit of an enthusiastic hugger!) with other people, but I believe that sometimes they have to learn actions and consequences for themselves.

If it had been him getting stroppy on the slide, I would have hoped the OP would have done exactly as she did do. Then I would have followed up with a "Look how you made that lady cross with you!"

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 11:38

I will teach my child to hit only if he is dealt the first punch. I call it self defence not thuggery

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 11:41

So if adult hit you would you just take it?

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 04/09/2013 11:42

On holiday a 6 YO boy ran at full force and pushed my 5YO into the swimming pool, they were not even playing with each other at the time. My little one was pretty shocked but luckily he is a strong swimmer and didn't hit anyone/anything when he fell.

I couldn't see the mum but I did go over and sternly say to the boy that you must never push someone in and that it was dangerous etc, I also asked where his mum was. I did not say he was nasty or anything like that as he was still only 6 and I don't really think it was my place to do so, the mum eventually came over and apologised and took him away from the pool. The boy was pretty sorry too as just thought they were having fun and didn't think about how dangerous it could have been.

IMO that is a lot more dangerous than a 5 YO hitting someone but I don't think you should have spoken to someone elses child like that. Saying don't hit or something would have been sufficient or just speaking to the parents.

I would be livid if my 5YO punched someone, there is no excuse at 5 as they are old enough to know IMO but I would tell him off or if I didn't see and another parent told me then I would tell him off then. I would be really cross if I heard another parent speak to him in that way, that sounds thuggish to me!

needaholidaynow · 04/09/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMelons · 04/09/2013 11:45

It is only self-defense if you are trying to protect yourself. If a child hits someone say for taking a toy off them (in the case of younger children) then there is no need to hit them back as they are not actually defending themselves, just being violent.

If you are being attacked for instance then of course that is different if you cannot get away.

I do think there are some instances where it may help, maybe if bullies are repetitively hitting a child eventually them hitting back may stop it but as I rule it is not something I would teach my DCs TBH.

cory · 04/09/2013 11:45

Arnie123 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:38:20
"I will teach my child to hit only if he is dealt the first punch. I call it self defence not thuggery"

So what do you do if the first child happens to be bigger than yours and hits back even harder? To me, this is very dangerous advice and there is a good reason schools don't allow it.

If an adult hits me, I would call the police. I'd be silly to do anything else, not being particularly big or strong.

Beeyump · 04/09/2013 11:46

needaholidaynow Hmm, no need to be sarky.

hardboiledpossum · 04/09/2013 11:46

children who are taught to hit back , in my experience, are the ones who go on to be bullies.

Children aren't always great at judging a situation and can often think a child bumping in to them by accident was a push on purpose. When children ate taught to hit back situations like this escalate quickly and needlessly.

OneStepCloser · 04/09/2013 11:51

Hmm, I`m not sure you would be doing your DC a favour by teaching them to hit back, It wont go down well at school, or anywhere else really. You need to teach them to tell an adult when that happens.

As for calling a 5yo nasty, not keen on that tbh, a childs behaviour can be nasty, not the child.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 11:51

"a baby hitting a slightly smaller baby"

Um this was a 5 year old, school-age child punching a toddler in the face.

I have a 5 year old DD and she would be in a whole lot of trouble if I ever saw her in a park punching a toddler in the face at the top of a slide.

And if I wasn't around and the toddler's parent reacted as the OP did, I would be fine with it.

hardboiledpossum · 04/09/2013 11:51

If someone hit me i would call the police. If my child was hit i would expect them to tell an adult.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 11:51

Oh, maybe it wasn't on the face.

But she still punched him when he was on the top of a slide, which makes it extra dangerous.

MrsMelons · 04/09/2013 11:53

To clarify, I would be more than happy for another parent to tell my child off for punching their toddler but I would not expect name calling or threats from an adult TBH.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 11:55

"Children aren't always great at judging a situation and can often think a child bumping in to them by accident was a push on purpose."

Oh yes, you are totally right about this.

My 3 year old thinks EVERYTHING is "on purpose" at the moment.

Like if I was walking behind her and she stopped suddenly and I bumped into her with the buggy - "you did that on PURPOSE!"

Which is half funny and half alarming - like on what planet does my 3 year old think I would barge into her with a pram deliberately just to hurt her? Confused

I've never taught her to hit back, but god if she had that message she would be an absolute menace.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 11:57

If the other child was bigger I would still want him to have a go. I put a 15 year old in hospital when I was 8 he never attacked me again

OP posts:
strokey · 04/09/2013 12:04

You did the right thing OP according to me. The important thing is that your son sees you defending him. That will teach him to stick up for himself when he is older.

A girl pushed my son down from a climbing frame last week. I asked her politely to say sorry and she said "sorry random boy" in a silly voice and laughed so I told her she was a horrible little girl. Im sure she will get over it.

I also teach my children that if someone hits them they can hit back harder (unless its a little one). And yes Id expect my children to be treated in the same way by others.

Beeyump · 04/09/2013 12:10

But Arnie why would you teach him that, when you yourself said that you weren't shown a good example growing up?

squoosh · 04/09/2013 12:18

Arnie123 I think the way you handled the 5 year old was fine. I wouldn't advise you to teach him to hospitalise anyone though! Things could go drastically wrong. A wrongly judged punch can sometimes kill.

Teach him to turn and run!

DeWe · 04/09/2013 12:19

I think you actually set the tone for the situation, by going in agressively.

What I would have done would be say to the 5yo, as she climbed up, along the lines of:
"Hey, ds is a bit nervous, do you think you could show him how to come down the slide safely?"
At that age, they love to show another what to do, and she might well have turned round and slid down. Then I'd have got ds to slide down quickly and asked her to show ds how to climb nicely up the steps "because big girls like you know we have to go up the steps and down the slides, ds is only little."

If you use these situations carefully, you often get a "little mother" looking after your little one (with you supervising) and showing him all the "right ways" to do things. And a friend for your ds.

comingalongnicely · 04/09/2013 12:25

My kids have always been taught to hit back if a bully hits them. In the case of DS1 he was continually bullied, when he started to fight back they realised it was too much like hard work (and painful) so moved onto bullying someone else (who wouldn't hit back). DS1 didn't miraculously turn into a bully because of this, but he did get a huge amount of personal confidence from it.

With regards to the actions the OP took, sounds like you dealt with it very well & effectively. No problem with calling a nasty kid a nasty kid....

strokey · 04/09/2013 12:25

Sure you would DeWe. If it was your 2 year old who had been punched in the face!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 12:25

"I think you actually set the tone for the situation, by going in agressively."

She only "went in" after the big child had punched her toddler.

The tone of unprovoked violence had already been set.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 04/09/2013 12:26

I would NEVER EVER teach my son to put someone in hospital. What I did was very wrong that day and with hindsight I could have potentially ended up on a murder charge as I cracked him over the head with a blunt instrument. However at 8 I had no understanding what I did was so dangerous. In mitigation this was a psychopathic shit who took delight in attempting to break little girls limbs and I have no doubt if I had not acted the way I did he would have broke mine. He terrorised our neighbourhood until he was 19 when he got sent to jail for a very long time. I will be very careful to teach my son reasonable force and not to step beyond that.

OP posts: