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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like seeing toddlers on iPads/iphones in restaurants?

256 replies

BlackberriesAhoy · 02/09/2013 08:51

My first Aibu so I'm wearing flame retardant pants.

My dc are now past the needing entertaining at the table stage (thank jeff for that) but when they were younger (they are both still at primary school now so not ancient) we made the decision to not have electronic devices in restaurants. We took crayons, paper, a small box of Lego, games etc with us.

Please don't think I'm a pious non-electrical device using git. Dc would spend all day if possible on minecraft. They have DSs which they use on long journeys but a restaurant IMO is not the place for electronic stuff.

A few weeks ago we were at pizza express and a couple and their toddler were there. The parents alternately (and at one time both) sat using their phones at the table (texting etc) while their bored toddler roamed about the restaurant. Are we going to be raising children who cannot just sit around a table a eat/talk/entertain themselves without being plugged into something if we let them use iPads etc when out eating?

I remember the hell of taking toddlers out, I do understand but still...

OP posts:
Pinkpinot · 02/09/2013 16:51

Yes Sirzy, exactly that. You might not be able to imagine it, sorry about that. Cutting my nose off to spite my face, not quite, I'm not going zero tolerance on behaviour to spite myself. I'm trying to bring up my child, it's bloody hard

IHeartKingThistle · 02/09/2013 16:53

Some form of entertainment is definitely necessary but it doesn't have to be a phone. We play games like 20 questions, or try to name an animal starting with every letter of the alphabet, and we have little kids charades cards and we play that (quietly!). We look like loons (and would clearly annoy the pants off some of you!) but the kids really enjoy it and so do we. It's only 20 minutes or so! I don't expect them to enjoy it when they're 13 but hopefully they won't expect to be getting their phones out at a restaurant.

My DC do play on my phone - it's great for DS when DD is doing her swimming lesson, for example - but there's something about sitting round a table for a meal that makes having phones out seem wrong to me. That goes for parents and children.

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 16:54

I'm trying to teach him manners and conversation

You know that can be done whilst still not forcing a child to sit still when they are obviously not in a mood to do so and they are causing problems for you and others?

ketchupontoast · 02/09/2013 16:54

I personally agree with the OP. I have been brought up that table manners are highly important, never being allowed the tv on in the other room while we ate. We had to switch everything off and it was family time. We weren't taken out for meals until we were able to sit for the duration of the meal and sit appropriately. We weren't allowed to leave the table until everyone had finished or walk around the restaurant. We used to enjoy meals out from myself being about 3 and I was able to sit for the duration without ever feeling the need to be occupied or wander around. It was the norm that the family meal either in the home or out was just the same.

dirtyface · 02/09/2013 16:55

no YANBU

kids need to learn to behave in restaurants without being bribed with mums ipad / phone etc

i took both mine in restaurants from a very early age and now at 4 and 7 they sit lovely, have good table manners and do not expect to be "entertained"

in fact the other day DD (4) and i, were having lunch with 2 friends and their dcs. and my friends 4 YO was up and down from the table, butting into our conversations, running about, disturbing other tables and generally stressing his mum out. my DD just sat there good as gold looking at him a bit strangely as it just would not occur to her to behave like that.

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 16:55

But can't you see that doesn't make any difference with regards to "gratification"? It's all the same for dc's entertainment whether you work hard to entertain them (so hard you feel run ragged) or whether they are entertained by an ipad game. Maybe your dc is now consequently going to always need someone constantly wittering on at them about their preferred conversational topic to ever enjoy a meal out.. Or maybe all dc develop a bit of patience and understanding when a bit older?

hazeyjane · 02/09/2013 16:56

I know it's hard to believe, but I am actually working really hard to help ds to sit somewhere like a cafe, as well, I don't just chuck an ipad at him so I can kick back.

FunnysInLaJardin · 02/09/2013 16:59

YABU and a bit of a snob. Would you rather the child ran about shrieking which no doubt my toddler boys would have done?

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 17:00

What I really hate on these threads is the "well my child can sit nicely" type comments. Well bully for you, not everyone has a child with the same personality as yours!

9 times out of 10 DS will sit happily, sometimes he needs some extra entertaining. I am not going to be a martyr and force him to sit complaining making life harder for me and the meal uncomfortable for everyone else around us.

Pinkpinot · 02/09/2013 17:05

Sorry Sirzy and Toys, but you do not know the situation or my son. I'd appreciate it if you could stop opining on what happened. He did not bother anyone else and - I wasn't working hard to entertain him, I was trying to teach him

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 17:07

Sorry Pinky, but if you don't want people to comment then I suggest you don't post on the thread!

Sorry if you expect everyone to agree with you, but don't get upset if they don't!

IHeartKingThistle · 02/09/2013 17:08

Pink I think you're getting a hard time. What you're doing is the right thing and you know it.

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 17:09

dirtyface: So your children are different to the friend's ds? That is a shocking discovery, isn't it? Your dc might sit down for ages happy just eating and listening to conversations, but maybe friend's ds is ace at football and maths? Why compare. I'm sure the parents aren't loving the aspects in his personality that make him very energetic and hard to persuade to sit still, but at least they've got understanding friends Hmm ? I guess you would not have been happy for him to play on an ipad either, as that is not what your children need?

Actually, do we subscribe to children having innate differences/personalities, at all? Last time I had a personality psych lecture (in 2005 admittedly), the latest info was that the nature/nurture debate was now found to be rather heavily in favour of nature..

silverten · 02/09/2013 17:10

You've phrased your AIBU rather inaccurately, TBH.

But really, what is the difference between a child being kept occupied with a phone and colouring app, and some crayons and paper (apart from the mess, waste and inconvenience)?

I recently had the supremely irritating experience of sitting at a table full of relatives at a wedding whilst keeping DD (overtired and overexcited) occupied quietly with just such a device. B&G had arranged colouring but it'd got lost in the chaos and I wasn't about to interrupt their fun demanding child-specific entertainment to be magicked out of nowhere.

However when it did turn up (someone thoughtful noticed and found the pens and paper) and DD started to colour, said relatives all happily commented loudly about how that was 'more like it' despite DD doing almost exactly the same activity using slightly more old fashioned materials than before.

As it wasn't the time or place, I resisted the temptation to point out to them the ridiculousness of this opinion or their selfishness in not lifting a finger to talk to DD or give me any help in occupying her, if they cared so bloody much what she was up to.

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 17:13

Pink: Tell us all how to override nature? Maybe some of us shouldn't ever breed. You and IHeart are allowed, though. Smile

So, were you or were you not run ragged? Did you just repeatedly tell him to sit still and be quiet? Anything else counts as entertainment if ds is entertained (which you say he was, e.g. he wasn't miserable or disruptive), I'm afraid..

IHeartKingThistle · 02/09/2013 17:15

Toys I get what you're saying but (genuine question, not sarcastic) are you saying that you can't teach an energetic child to behave in a restaurant, or that you shouldn't bother trying? I would find that quite hard to believe.

I taught secondary for years and the basic behavioural expectations are the same for everyone. Some children find it harder to stick to them, but that doesn't mean they don't have to. I would think that teaching your energetic child to behave in a restaurant without an iPad would be doing them a massive favour which might really help them at school.

FunnysInLaJardin · 02/09/2013 17:16

same here Sirzy my 2 boys can sit and enjoy a meal as a family at 3 and 7 and are getting better as they get older, but they are really not the sitting still for long types and so the kindles are great and allow DH and I to finish our meal in peace. Anyhoo I really don't give a shit if I'm judged, it truly goes right over my head

IHeartKingThistle · 02/09/2013 17:17

Sorry, I didn't mean 'your' actual child!

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 17:24

IHeart: I try to teach ds to some extent, but when ds has absolutely had enough of conversation and games, and is going to explode otherwise, then I get the kindle out, because I don't want him to be disrupting other diners. Because his reluctant and fussy eating and energetic highly stung personality we very rarely eat out. His skills in patience and level of understanding is going to be much better in a few years, so I suspect we can and should demand a lot different behaviour from him then. Certainly in time for secondary school.

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 17:25

Ds is 3 (nearly 4), btw.

Pinkpinot · 02/09/2013 17:26

See you have no idea!
I didn't once tell him to sit still because he can't. And I didn't tell him to be quiet, because I wanted him to interact.
Of course I don't expect everyone to agree with me, I specifically said ' just my opinion'
But you have no idea of my particular situation that day In That restaurant.
If I gave the impression that my ds is an angel, that couldn't be further from the truth. His behaviour has been shocking, but I don't believe that letting him play On my phone In a restaurant will solve any problems
There is a much bigger issue here, which is why I'm saying you know nothing if my situation

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 17:26

Toys I get what you're saying but (genuine question, not sarcastic) are you saying that you can't teach an energetic child to behave in a restaurant, or that you shouldn't bother trying? I would find that quite hard to believe.

You can but having a "you sit there while we wait for tea" approach isn't going to do that.

Building up the time gradually is the key, so sit talking or whatever for 5 minutes and then when the boredom sets in district them a bit and them give them something to entertain them. Next time talk for a bit longer.

You can't expect it to just happen overnight, and some days will be worse than others!

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 17:28

But pink YOU are judging others when you don't know their situation. So its not ok to judge you based on what you post but you are happy to judge others who parent differently to you?

Pinkpinot · 02/09/2013 17:28

Thank you King Thistle

Pinkpinot · 02/09/2013 17:30

Who the fuck did I judge?

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