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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like seeing toddlers on iPads/iphones in restaurants?

256 replies

BlackberriesAhoy · 02/09/2013 08:51

My first Aibu so I'm wearing flame retardant pants.

My dc are now past the needing entertaining at the table stage (thank jeff for that) but when they were younger (they are both still at primary school now so not ancient) we made the decision to not have electronic devices in restaurants. We took crayons, paper, a small box of Lego, games etc with us.

Please don't think I'm a pious non-electrical device using git. Dc would spend all day if possible on minecraft. They have DSs which they use on long journeys but a restaurant IMO is not the place for electronic stuff.

A few weeks ago we were at pizza express and a couple and their toddler were there. The parents alternately (and at one time both) sat using their phones at the table (texting etc) while their bored toddler roamed about the restaurant. Are we going to be raising children who cannot just sit around a table a eat/talk/entertain themselves without being plugged into something if we let them use iPads etc when out eating?

I remember the hell of taking toddlers out, I do understand but still...

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 02/09/2013 11:52

MrsOakenshield, I've seen that too - a screen is the first option rather than a last resort.

LadyBryan · 02/09/2013 11:54

MrsOakenshield - I agree with that some parents see it as the easy option.

But I also think its important to allow an element of choice and if DD decides that she'd like to use her iTouch then that's fine.

Sometimes she doesn't want to.

Either way she can behave herself completely - we've been dining out since she was 5 days old Grin and we are yet to have a tantrum/a request to run around a restaurant etc. She's now 6.

SuffolkNWhat · 02/09/2013 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Faithless12 · 02/09/2013 11:57

MrsOakenshield- There may be some parents that are like that but you are making a bit of a generalisation. As I've said before we don't take our iPad out with us, we have our phones obviously and DS has only used the iPad once when we have been out. However, when he is on the iPad he isn't sat absorbed by it with us (DH and I) ignoring him, we are talking to him and involved in the app selection etc.. So to say it's the easy option is ridiculous because it's not the tool that makes it the easy option but how it's used.

KingscoteStaff · 02/09/2013 12:19

We were at a beautiful outdoor pool the other day. Fantastic weather, sun sparkling on water, green grass to play on, big pool, little paddling pool with fountains...

I spotted 3 children sitting on sun loungers playing with ipads WITH TOWELS OVER THEIR HEADS so that they could see the screen.

Bizarre.

We are (apparently) the only family in the world with no hand held devices. We also made it down to Devon and back with just I Spy, Scattergories, the name game and Test Match Special on the Radio.

DoJo · 02/09/2013 12:28

I quick google suggests that there is roughly as much research suggesting that screen time is good for children as there is suggesting it is damaging. I also don't think that having an iPad turns an engaged and interactive parent into a lazy one - it may be another crutch for a disengaged parent, but I doubt having an electronic device completely changes someone's parenting style.

ToysRLuv · 02/09/2013 13:00

I think a (near) total ban will drive some children to go in the opposite direction in adulthood when they can make their own choices. Also, have heard that some children whose screen time gets very severely restricted at home will then spend entire play dates at other children's homes watching telly, playing on the computer, etc. even if host child asks to do something else..

5Foot5 · 02/09/2013 13:12

I agree with you OP. We took DD in to restaurants from about 2yo but we never had problems because we talked to her about things she was interested in and included her in the conversation.

I have often seen families out for a meal where the adults seem to want to just chat to each other and ignore the kids and then either the kids get bored and make a nuisance of themselves or the parents pacify them with some electronic gadget. I don't blame the kids for being bored. It can't be much fun if the conversation is going over your head and you are just meant to sit there and tolerate it.

After all, if you took another adult out for dinner and then proceeded to exclude them from the conversation that would be very bad manners indeed and your fellow diner would have the right to feel upset about it. Why would it be any different with your kids?

hazeyjane · 02/09/2013 13:35

We took DD in to restaurants from about 2yo but we never had problems because we talked to her about things she was interested in and included her in the conversation.

And that works with some children, and not with others.

if we didn't have the ipad, we'd have to focus so much attention on ds, that we would have to ignore our dd's, and it wouldn't be such a great eating out experience for them!

SoupDragon · 02/09/2013 13:40

Are we going to be raising children who cannot just sit around a table a eat/talk/entertain themselves without being plugged into something if we let them use iPads etc when out eating?

Did you raise children who cannot just sit around a table and eat/talk/entertain themselves without a box of crayons/lego/games? Or did they, perhaps, grow out of needing entertainment...? There really is no difference.

If you provide entertainment of any sort, you are restricting their ability to learn how to just sit and talk or stare into the distance and let their minds wander. They get it eventually.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2013 13:41

I agree with you OP. We took DD in to restaurants from about 2yo but we never had problems because we talked to her about things she was interested in and included her in the conversation.

But you don't agree with the OP. She took stuff along to entertain her children. It just wasn't an electronic gadget.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 02/09/2013 13:58

After Saturday's experience in Wagamama I am never eating in a restaurant with DD again until she turns 18, so I shan't be there to be judged. However, we couldn't resort to phones/tablet as she chucks them around violently and falling from table-height to a hard floor would probably have smashed them. Not to mention pouring water/juice on them or dropping them in her food.

DD is 18 months and managed to throw food an amazingly long way, plus grabbing at water glasses and creating nice little lakes on the table. DH, having drawn the short straw and sat next to her, was covered in soup and sticky sauce by the end of the meal, as was DD, and she'd eaten approximately 4 grains of rice. She then tried to climb out of the highchair and screamed when she was restrained. I'd have loved to give her an iPad and actually managed a tiny bit of conversation that wasn't "here, DD, play with this. Oh, don't want that? Try this instead. Here, have an ice cube/drink of water/napkin/chopstick/bubbles to play with. No, you can't have the glass/salt/soy sauce/chilli oil/my plate/DH's plate. Here, try a bit of this. Okay, what about a bit of this instead? No? What about some of Daddy's soup? Okay, now you've splattered soup up Daddy's sleeve. Sit back down and stop trying to escape! Shh, shh..." and repeat.

zingally · 02/09/2013 14:10

I don't have a smart phone, and do find it rude when I go out to eat with someone and literally the first thing they do is pull out their phone to "check in on Four Square"! Who gives a s*? They just don't seem to realise how rude it is. Have people forgotten how to make small talk?

As a child in the 80s/90s, we didn't have any of that. We sat at the table and talked to the people we were with. And we absolutely DID NOT get out of our seats to wander round the tables. Frankly, it never would have occurred to my sister and I that that was something we could do. And if we had? We'd probably have gotten a smack on the bum for our trouble. ;)

BlingLoving · 02/09/2013 14:15

Actually, the more I think about this, and read this thread, the more unreasonable I think OP and all who agree with her are being. Why do we all feel the need to judge other parents of toddlers? For pity's sake, we have no way of knowing how those children will turn out and we don't know what mistakes we're all making. Surely each family has to work out what's best for them based on what resources they have and the personalities of the family members involved?

We did not go to restaurants with my parents until we were older because my parents had live in child care. As we got older, we were allowed to read a magazine or do colouring in, but no wandering around the restaurant. As we got older still, we were allowed to go with my parents to "nicer" restaurants and were expected to either engage in conversation or sit quietly. Each stage was moved onto naturally, based on the maturity of my brother and me and was not impacted as far as I recall by what other people did.

When you see a family with a toddler on an ipad, maybe the secret is not to think, "my god, what terrible parents, that chlid will never develop social skills" and instead take a minute to think, "oh look, that family is getting their child used to being out in public but clearly find they have to do it carefully."

I'm so sick sick sick of the constant parental judging.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2013 14:17

And all those people with memories of not being allowed to get up etc etc, you do realise that therefore you're talking about when you were older right? Not the toddler age group that most people are banging on about here. As per my comments above, I know because I've been told that my brother and I were not allowed to join the family for meals out at this age, but I don't remember it.

forthill · 02/09/2013 14:21

Blingloving
I agree with you, but rather than being "sick sick sick of the constant parental judging", I actually find it a hoot.

I don't think the judgey types realise how funny they are. And being judgmental, insecure and status-conscious, they would be horrified if they realised other people find them funny!

MrsOakenshield · 02/09/2013 14:22

just like to draw the attention of those who responded to my post to the fact that I did say, quite clearly, that 'some (though not all) parents hand the phone over straight away' - next time I'll highlight the words 'some' and 'not all'.

iwantanafternoonnap · 02/09/2013 14:24

I give my DS 3 my phone to keep him quiet as otherwise he would never stop talking and sometimes I want to speak to an adult. As a single parent with no contact from DS father I am rarely without DS. Plus I talk to my DS all the time and he needs to learn that sometimes he has to be quiet and let adults talk.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2013 14:25

Forthill, you're a bigger person than me! Grin I can't help getting irritated, but you're right, I should laugh. And I do genuinely find some of this judgy stuff funny. Just for some reason, I'm not doing so well at laughing today!

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 14:27

DS is 3 we use whatever method needed a combination of techniques to keep him happy at the table when waiting for food. That will sometimes include playing on my phone.

The phone is normally the option for at the end of a busy day when he is knackered and starving. Other times it tends to be colouring and sitting talking.

If people want to judge then feel free!

yoniwherethesundontshine · 02/09/2013 14:32

In this country I think anyway possible to let the children be quiet is best. There is zero tolerance for DC making any sort of news so eating out is a fraught affrair.

forthill · 02/09/2013 14:34

Just to be clear, I find the judgmental types funny on Mumsnet, but it would be harder to cope with in RL.

Actually, I've noticed that my successful, high-flying friends tend to be very laid-back about their kids (people with Oxbridge firsts and doctorates who let their kids play with iPads Shock - and the kids are still articulate and charming Shock Shock )
The only set of pushy parents I know both have unimpressive careers. Not sure whether there's any kind of link....

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/09/2013 14:38

I don't like seeing adults striding through shopping centres or streets with their eyes fixed on their screens and not giving a fig about who is round about them.
I detest seeing talking children with a dummy ever at the table
ipods etc at a table .......not while there is eating going on but maybe in a quiet lull it wouldn't bother me.

We don't let our have iPods at the table (they don't use mobile phones at home) but when DH and I were having coffee/drinks after dinner on holiday (in the bar area) the DCs were fine to use them.

JenaiMorris · 02/09/2013 14:50

Oh, it's pretty much the only thing I get all superior over. YANBU Grin

Bursts of screen use are fine, especially once dinner is over and the children get ansty, but as a kind of default it's crap. I feel the same about DVD players in cars. And I'm not keen on crayons at the table either. Children should take in their surroundings, stare out of windows, get a bit bored without maybe.

I is hardcore.

Sirzy · 02/09/2013 14:52

Children should take in their surroundings, stare out of windows, get a bit bored without maybe.

which is great to the point whereby they start annoying other diners. There is a fine line between the two and with young children in particular it doesn't take long for that to happen.

In the car it is a bit easier because your not having to consider the feelings of others

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