not an aibu, please calm me down

[squiberoo27]

Brief background:

Mother is a functioning alcoholic but refuses to see any problem. Father has suffered ill health for many years, is treated like shit by my mother but remains completely loyal to her.

Mother phones me drunk today telling me what a wonderful day she's had with an old friend basically drinking. I enquire where my father was and she says last night they had an argument, he took an overdose, left the house and hasn't seen him since. I have phoned everywhere, everyone I can think of, hospitals, police, nothing.

I have never met anyone as selfish and self absorbed as my mother. I hate her. I am worried sick for my father.

'I am not exaggerating when I say I am waiting for the day the police knock my door to tell me my mother has killed him.'

It's plausible isn't it? Scary shit for you to live with.

I second what everyone has said about dealing with this as DV. Your father's life is at stake here. You can't afford to sit on the fence any longer. You can't go on like this.

I know it's really difficult with blokes in particular, but you need to find some way of sitting him down and talking to him about what's going on. You need to let him know, firmly, that you're taking over and that this can't continue. He may beg and protest that he doesn't want anything done (and it'll be awful) but you have to think long term.

I know it's your Mum, and the feelings of guilt will be difficult to avoid - but she needs help too, bcause her behaviour is over the line. You will probably have to explain to her what you're doing and why, and this is going to take tremendous self control not to a. freak out or b. vent your anger at her. She clearly needs some wake up call about her behaviour, and perhaps this is it.

Oh squib you poor thing, you must have been frantic. I'm so glad your dad has turned up and is ok (well, you know what I mean). I hope your brother and husband can convince him to come live with you. He is absolutely a victim of domestic violence, both physical and emotional abuse from the sounds of it. Your mother is simply vile. I do not blame you for wanting to cut her off.

I remember the police being called when she tried to stab him. He had to push her away to stop her so she phoned them to report him. Back then the police didn't want to deal with domestics. She attacked him about 3 years ago in front of my brother and they had to wrestle her to the floor. Here's the best bit - SHE went to women's aid and managed to get a flat through them. However it needed decorated and she needed someone to drive her to the end of the road for shopping so she got him to move in. She always let's him move back in when she realises she doesn't have anyone to fetch and carry for her. I was heavily pregnant with twins and had to get a check up as I had pulled ligaments in my stomach. The doctor told me to rest up for a while. She knew this yet the same day she went in a huff with me because I wouldn't do a 16 mile round trip to take her 600m to buy wine and fags. I could go on all day with stories of her selfishness. We've told her she's an alcoholic. She won't listen or she goes mental. Her days are spent sitting in the kitchen chain smoking and drinking wine arguing with people on Facebook groups.

Bloody hell, just a one off from that list would be bad.

I don't know how these things work, but what about social services, GP etc? It just doesn't seem right, neither of them seem in a position to escape from the viscous circle, almost like they need saving from themselves/each other.

I'm including them both because although I don't condone your mum's behaviour, she does sound so 'troubled', but would probably never accept help.

I am so glad he is safe and hope he listens to your brother. I have a mother "who isn't an alcoholic" so can really appreciate what you are going through.

My mother also, "Is not a fucking alcoholic" (her words) but is just, "tired and emotional" and fed up with dealing with her appalling children who just wind her up all the time is it any wonder she needs something to calm her nerves....(we are all adults from 35-45!). You have all my sympathy. Could you drag your Dad to Al anon? They are very helpful and might make him see the reality of his situation.

I am glad your dad was found safely, I hope this is a turning point for him and your family and he agrees to live with you.

I'm so glad you've found him! I really hope he stays away from your mother now xxx

I'm relieved for you all.
I hoot your Dad sees the light quick. He sounds a decent bloke

I'm glad he's ok op. hopefully he will now start making some changes in his life.

Just came back on to thank everyone for their kindness. He is staying with my brother just now and is OK, he's very quiet but at least he's safe.

Got another aibu but will leave that for another thread! Thank you again everyone

Good, glad that he is safe and well squib, your mother is a total case. mabey help him get someone where of his own and cut off from this toxic nasty person. Alcohol addiction is no excuse, it might be a reason but no exucse

Glad he's ok squib

Let's hope he'll listen to your DH and move in with you for a while

Hi Squib, I'm so relieved he was found safe and (relatively) well.

I hope you three can talk some sense into him and he moves in with you!