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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this?

91 replies

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:22

DP and I live together. He has a DD who lives with us half the time. We've had some issues in the past with him sidelining our relationship for DSD. That sounds terrible - obviously she should come first in all appropriate ways. But what I mean is things like choosing to take her instead of me to something I really wanted to go to and that he knew she would hate. And making non-important appointments for her that clash with important appointments for me and him. That sort of thing.

Anyway, we recently made friends with this couple and went to their house for dinner. I noticed that they had a couple of really lovely photos of them together framed in their living room. Just nice snaps of them hugging each other and suff. Nothing naff or formal.

I mentioned to DP at the time that we don't have any pictures up of us together and that I thought it would be nice if we did. The only framed photos up in our house are of DSD.

He was looking through some pictures taken on our recent holiday and showed me one saying that it would be a good one to put up of us. But it had DSD in it too.

AIBU to be upset that he just doesn't get it? I just want some sort of demonstration that he values our relationship in its own right and not just insofar as it relates to him and DsD. Which is what it feels like most of the time.

OP posts:
LIZS · 31/08/2013 15:24

He views you as a family unit , which is a compliment in a way, but you want to be a couple. How long have you been together ?

FlutteringButterflie · 31/08/2013 15:26

YABU. Sorry that's his daughter.

Surely you are of both equal importance and that's why he would want a framed photo of the three of you and he's not a mind reader.

You didn't say you would like a framed photo of just the two of you.

Why not put up one of the three of you, and one just of you two? Don't see it as competition.

everlong · 31/08/2013 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 31/08/2013 15:31

Are you the poster who wanted to go to Wimbledon?

froken · 31/08/2013 15:31

Yabu.

Why didn't you look through the photos and find one you liked?

It sounds like he is a lovely dad, you should be proud of him for that.

We have no photos of me and dp, we have a photo of my dp with my sister ( she is a young child) dp shows me he values our relationship by being a kind and loving partner, photographs on tge wall should no define you or be used as proof that your relationship is important.

Original poster
InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:31

Fluttering I thought he'd get it because I pointed at the photo of the couple, which showed just the two of them, and said to him it would be nice to have a photo like that (pointing to photo) of us (pointing to me and him).

The couple had children and there were photos of them all together too. But there's no recognition of mine and DP's relationship as its own thing in our house like there was in their pictures.

OP posts:
paperclipsarebetterthanstaples · 31/08/2013 15:31

I can understand how you feel - he's probably just being a bit cack handed over it though. Could you compromise - have the one he picked out AND a few of just the 2 of you (it might warrant a fun day / night out to get some though - bonus!)

Original poster
InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:32

Happy, yes I am.

OP posts:
Nameychangeythingy · 31/08/2013 15:33

YANBU - I'm a firm believer in the notion that no matter what the family set up, the adult relationship in a household needs to be equally valued independently from the DC.

DeWe · 31/08/2013 15:34

The only picture up of me and dh only is on our wedding day. There are lots of the dc round the house, in fact there's even a lovely photo of the child I nannied. I think that's a fairly usual state of affairs.

It sounds to me like you are trying to stamp your mark on him. I think it was a nice thought for him to find one of you as a family, saying "we're all together" not it's me and one of my girls.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples · 31/08/2013 15:34

Not everything has to involve children (I have 1, I love him dearly but I'm my own person too) and I think it's important to recognise relationships between couples too and if the op wants hers recognised by a photo in her own home then that's nice too :)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/08/2013 15:35

He probably 'saw' a family photo, rather than a photo of the couple, and didn't realise its significance to you.

As others have said - why not put up the photo of all three of you, and one of you as a couple too?

I do think, though, that it would be reasonable for you to ask him to be a bit more thoughtful when booking appointments - say to him that, where possible, could he please not book appointments for him and dd that clash with appointments for you and him, and explain how you feel sidelined when he does that.

HeySoulSister · 31/08/2013 15:37

I agree with namey.....I read too many threads on here where its all about the children,all the time.

everlong · 31/08/2013 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 31/08/2013 15:38

I would be upset. Not if it was a one off but it's not really a one off, is it? It's a constant stream of being sidelined, and being sidelined for things that won't even benefit his dd.

Original poster
InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:39

DSD is six.

OP posts:
FlutteringButterflie · 31/08/2013 15:40

Are you the poster who wanted to go to Wimbledon?

How did that go again?

Your DP took his daughter instead of you? And she hates tennis and is about 5?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 31/08/2013 15:42

and...and...and...he took her last year and (forgive me if I'm wrong) the OP will have a small baby by the time wimbledon comes around again so will most likely miss out again and the kid hates tennis and the OP loves it.

I think.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 31/08/2013 15:43

I think you are being a bit unreasonable about the picture however the other parts of your opening post point to more serious issues.

Why did he take his dd to an event you wanted to go to but that she would hate?

WowOoo · 31/08/2013 15:44

Is she sensible enough to take a decent picture of you both?
That way she's involved, but not in the actual picture.

We have a lovely one of that my son took. Amongst many, many others where we are looking concerned or shouting instructions at him Smile

Original poster
InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:45

DP was give two tickets to Wimbledon. I'd never been, reeeeeaaaaallly wanted to go.

DP took DSD the previous year and to say she wasn't bothered is an understatement.

He chose to take DSD again this year. She hated it and moaned all the way through.

There was ridiculous talk on his part of getting up at three in the morning to go and queue for a ticket for me while I went with DSD (who would've moaned and hated it). But it was never going to work, it just would not have been possible in practice.

The obvious, easy solution was just to not take DSD and take me instead. But he refused to countenance it.

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 31/08/2013 15:45

That is quite nasty behaviour on his part then.

How is he like in the rest of your relationship?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 31/08/2013 15:47

And dsd's grandma had offered to look after her - don't forget that.

Chewbecca · 31/08/2013 15:48

From what you've written here alone, YABU.
If I wanted a photo if DH and I up in the house, I'd choose one, frame it and put it up.
Your DH has done nothing wrong except fail to be a mind reader.
Maybe there's more to it but in this instance, he's done nothing wrong. My DH just doesn't think that much about detailed things and is terrible at working out what I want unless I just say it outright. Then, normally he'd just say ok fine and thinks nothing more of it. (Unless I ask in a whiney voice which doesn't get the 'ok fine').

Original poster
InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:49

He's actually pretty good in our relationship. But I've always felt like I love him more than he loves me.

DSD will always be his first love and I will always come a distant second (and, after the new baby, third). He'd deny all this of course but his actions continue to betray him.

I always imagined I'd fall in love with someone who loved me equally and for a while we'd be each other's worlds. Then we'd bring a child into our unit together. Now it'll never happen that way for me and I do feel a bit of grief over that.

OP posts:
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