To be upset about this?

[InTheFamilyWay]

DP and I live together. He has a DD who lives with us half the time. We've had some issues in the past with him sidelining our relationship for DSD. That sounds terrible - obviously she should come first in all appropriate ways. But what I mean is things like choosing to take her instead of me to something I really wanted to go to and that he knew she would hate. And making non-important appointments for her that clash with important appointments for me and him. That sort of thing.

Anyway, we recently made friends with this couple and went to their house for dinner. I noticed that they had a couple of really lovely photos of them together framed in their living room. Just nice snaps of them hugging each other and suff. Nothing naff or formal.

I mentioned to DP at the time that we don't have any pictures up of us together and that I thought it would be nice if we did. The only framed photos up in our house are of DSD.

He was looking through some pictures taken on our recent holiday and showed me one saying that it would be a good one to put up of us. But it had DSD in it too.

AIBU to be upset that he just doesn't get it? I just want some sort of demonstration that he values our relationship in its own right and not just insofar as it relates to him and DsD. Which is what it feels like most of the time.

Also regarding the picture thing I think it depends whether you are a "displayer" or not. I am, I have several feature walls in my home with family photos displayed and I would fin it quite odd if the only picture were of my DC, surely the adults in the house an their relationship is a fairly important part of the family. I mean I didn't stop being an individual or a member of a couple the day I had DC so why wouldn't I have pictures of myself and DH as a couple? I don't find it odd at all.

What if your DP deliberately tried to exclude you heart say for example by taking your DD to an event you really wanted to go to instead of taking you?

I think that DSD is always going to come first. Your baby may come second or you and the baby will come joint second.

There is another poster on here who's eldest DSS comes very much first, way before his younger brother, and the elder is 18. Dad drops everything on the whim of his eldest son.

Your post reminds me of them.

But heart, surely the key there is is that your DD is "our" daughter. Because of the intensity and tunnel-visioned aspect of OP's DH's relationship with his DD, she feels invisible when her DH's daughter is there, and irrelevant when she isn't.

I have been a step parent, it is very difficult - I walked away in the end, there were lots of issues in our relationship that made it unhealthy.

The impression I get is that your dp doesn't want to have a relationship with you that is seperate to you being a family unit which I do find odd. My dh is now a step-parent to my eldest and we have 3 joint children. We do stuff as a family unit with all 4, sometimes just the younger ones and sometimes just us two.

I don't think this will every get resolved - perhaps you are best going your seperate ways now.

Is it possibe he finds couple pictures a bit 'cheesy' ? I know I do, and find them a bit narcicistic. Perhaps he was trying to go along with your wishes but neutralise the cheese factor?

Why is it such a competition ? He chose a photo of the 3 of you , equally you could have found one of the two of you to put up as well. Were you the recent poster with the dsd who didn't want to ride an elephant ?

I was going to say YABU but I remember your Wimbledon thread.

No idea what to suggest, if you weren't pregnant I'd say bail out. Could you go to counselling?

I think you'll understand how he feels about his daughter when you have your own baby.

I don't see the issue here with the photo to be honest. It sounds like you were testing him. Put up a picture of the two of you - you don't need him to choose it. It does sound like you are not overly keen on dsd which she and your dh will pick up on. Always treat her how you would like your own child to be treated.

I don't think that the relationship you have with a step child should be like the relationship you have with a niece. You live with this child more than half the time, you go on holidays with her, she is a sister to your unborn baby.

I have a step father and step siblings and if I felt that my step father saw me the same way he he saw his niece I would be very upset.

Even if a child has 2 parents in their life there is nothing to say that they can't have another close relationship with a step parent. DO you and dsd go out and do things together just the 2 of you?

I think maybe he wasnt being hugely unreasonable about the photo. I think lots of men just wouldn't realise the significance of something like that. But his overall behaviour in relation to you and his DD DOES sound very very hard to live with. Maybe because of that, you read a little too much into the photo issue.

But the other things, the Wimbledon tickets, the chocolate thing, the mooning after his daughter when she's not there and not wanting to do anything with you and not her because it's a "waste"....I couldn't cope with that. It doesn't seem right. I'm a stepmum too, and I just couldn't live that way.

I read an interesting article today on the Guardian about a new philosophy of putting your relationship with your partner/spouse first and your children second. It's written about bio families, but I think it's really interesting when applied to step/blended families too. Maybe it would be interesting to show it to your DP?

here it is

I can sort of see where the OP is coming from as when I was married to my ex he always put the children first and I felt like I was last in his mind.

Obviously when they were little you have to put their needs first but as they got older it didn't change. There was no respect for me from him and he would put them first. For example if we went out as a family and we'd planned to eat at a certain restaurant if one of the children wanted to go somewhere else he would just agree with them without even consulting me as if I didn't count.

This was with my own children so I'm not sure it's fair to say the OP doesn't like her SD but surely there has to be a loving relationship between the two adults as well.

I imagine it's difficult when there's children from a previous relationship but I think your husband needs to be a partner to you when your SD isn't around. My 2 see their dad every other day and from what they've said he seems to spend the time mostly with them. However when they're with me it sounds like he does all the couple things with his girlfriend.

With the photo I'd just sort one out yourself and maybe get one of the three of you as well.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. I'd be bloody upset if DH took someone else to Wimbledon instead of me. I'd also be bloody upset if DH tried to give my chocolate to someone else who didnt need it, particularly if I'd just fainted.

I think he is confusing putting DDs needs first with not saying no.

It sounds as if you want some physical reminder of your relationship with him, but he can't differentiate between YOUR relationship, and the family one. You have to work at relationships with partners, it IS something special and if you don't then there won't be anything left.

I think you know that his relationship with DD will always come first (as it should), but you don't want to be such a distant second. You're not asking him to bring DD down in his priorities, but you want to be a bit higher up. The photo thing is a prime example of this.

I think you should both work out your love language because I think it will help you both to see how the other expresses love. Do you nad he do anything together? DO you have couple time every week?

Could you book a photographer and get some couply shots done? The process might make him feel more couply and better understand where you are coming from.

I'm not in a step family so maybe I just don't get it but if DP had 2 tickets to an event and I wanted to go to it then there is no way in a million years that he would not take me and take one of the dcs, it just wouldn't happen no matter how much he thought they would enjoy it. If I was eating chocolate, or eating anything he wouldn't ask that I hand it over to a child and I'm not pg or hypoglycaemic. He would say "No, Mummy is eating that." and he may follow it up with an offer to get them something but he would never expect me to take the food out of my mouth to give to them. This is not because I am an evil stepmother, I'm neither, it's just because sometimes their needs come first and sometimes I'm eating a bit of chocolate or hanging out with their dad and they can like it or lump it. Personally I liked that my parents had a good and loving relationship separate from us lot, we did plenty as a family but they went out together and left us with grandma and believe me, we learned very young not to ask for food that my Mum had in her mouth.

YANBU. I was about to link you to the Guardian article that riverboat mentioned as well. It might help.

I've posted on your threads before and speak from the position of having left my husband and currently getting divorced owing predominantly to issues with his son and the problems this brought.

You're pregnant so walking away is obviously unlikely for you to countenance. But I urge you to go to counselling as an absolute priority. His attitude is bizarre. I adore my DD but would never take her to Wimbledon or other events which would be wholly inappropriate for her.

You need to have time as a couple and if he won't acknowledge this then your relationship is doomed.

I'm in two minds about this one. Of course, the Wimbledon issue (and I remember the thread) is a no brainer. He was a fud to do that, and I'm afraid the very fact that he did, is enough to tell me you're not going to find it easy to get through to him. I can only imagine that he is so determined to be a good father he can't see the wood for the trees. I don't think it's personal against you per se, but he was being stupid about it.

However when you say

Since we've been back, she's only been with her mum four four nights and we've had her again for another eight in a row. I do find it quite claustrophobic. Like I barely have time to get my head above water to take a breath before she's here for another huge chunk of time and I'm back underwater again.

I did do a meh. I'm afraid that is what parenthood is like. For all of us. That's what it entails. None of us get a break. None of us get to pause for breath. I understand how much harder it must be when it's someone else's child, but that's what you took on. I often think it's a shame for step parents who haven't got kids of their own, because however much they think they're prepared, I think it can really come as a shock, just how relentless it is with children around. They haven't always got the parental bond to motivate them, so it must feel like an assault at times.
That's the reality of getting with someone who has children from a previous relationship.
Let me tell you this for nothing - if you have a hypoglycaemic episode when your own child is 6, you will have no issue with breaking off a piece of chocolate for him or her, no matter how faint you feel. You'll do it gladly. And that's the difference.

I think you do resent the intrusion of your sd in your life. I wonder if it's related to

But in my very black, most private moments I do wonder whether he just wants to recreate the family he lost when his ex walked out on him and that as long as I was kind to DSD and willing to slot into his and her lives with minimum disruption to them both, I could've been anyone really.

I don't know your dh, but I do know a man who got married very quickly after his wife died, simply to have a woman to mother his kids, so I know this does happen.
In your shoes, if I felt that was the case, I think I'd be just as pissed off as you sound.

I dunno - you sound resentful and he sounds stubborn and, if I'm totally honest, not all that considerate of you. Kick him up the arse hard, because when he starts being a better partner, I think it will all fall into place.

Good luck x

YABU about the photo - lots of people wouldn't have pictures just of them on the wall, they'd have family pictures of just the children. I think this was just a case of poor communication.

More generally, it does sound a bit like you and your DP have different expectations of your relationship - you want to be a couple foremost, with his daughter as a part-time addition. He wants a family foremost.

The Wimbledon thing was obviously completely out of order, and I doubt many mothers would put up with that. But if I'm honest, however much I love my DP, my DS does come first. I'm pregnant with DC2 and I know it will relegate DP to 3rd. That's not to say I would ever take food from DP's hand, or take DS to an event DP wanted to go to - that really is skewed priorities - but if push came to shove it would be children first.

I remember tge tennis thread; he's trying too hard with his dd to prove she comes first

I also remember your previous thread, your dh has issues and I don't think many people would want to be married to him. The photo thing is less of a problem for me, if you want a photo of you both then put one up. I haven't got any pictures of myself and dh up, not even wedding photos. Just pictures of the dc. I honestly don't like couple photos, but that's just me.

Are you the same poster with the elephant thing?

TBH, you don't seem to 'get' children. I know that my next comment is something we're supposed to avoid saying, but I truly believe that you will understand when you have your own.

You don't seem too understand how much his daughter matters to him...she's his entire consciousness. He probably hasn't noticed that she's even in the photo because he'd find it odd if she wasn't. She's his life. You can like it or lump it. But honestly, when you have your own child you will be immensely grateful for a man that loves his children so much, and places them at the centre of his world. That is what makes a good dad, a good parent.

I do think the Wimbledon thing was odd, but from what you've posted I wonder if he's fighting to counter your dismissiveness of his daughter.

All 6 year olds would want a bit of chocolate, I'm surprised you didn't offer her some. I'm sure a small piece wouldn't have hurt much.