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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about this?

91 replies

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:22

DP and I live together. He has a DD who lives with us half the time. We've had some issues in the past with him sidelining our relationship for DSD. That sounds terrible - obviously she should come first in all appropriate ways. But what I mean is things like choosing to take her instead of me to something I really wanted to go to and that he knew she would hate. And making non-important appointments for her that clash with important appointments for me and him. That sort of thing.

Anyway, we recently made friends with this couple and went to their house for dinner. I noticed that they had a couple of really lovely photos of them together framed in their living room. Just nice snaps of them hugging each other and suff. Nothing naff or formal.

I mentioned to DP at the time that we don't have any pictures up of us together and that I thought it would be nice if we did. The only framed photos up in our house are of DSD.

He was looking through some pictures taken on our recent holiday and showed me one saying that it would be a good one to put up of us. But it had DSD in it too.

AIBU to be upset that he just doesn't get it? I just want some sort of demonstration that he values our relationship in its own right and not just insofar as it relates to him and DsD. Which is what it feels like most of the time.

OP posts:

lymiemum · 31/08/2013 15:52

Well if tgat was what you wanted you shouldn't have married a man with children.

everlong · 31/08/2013 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:52

Yes that's right - MIL offered to look after DSD too. But DP refused.

There have been maybe two or three other examples of him being similarly staggeringly inconsiderate throughout our whole relationship. But I'm still smarting over all of them. And things like this photo issue just drive home the fact that he still doesn't get it.

OP posts:

BruthasTortoise · 31/08/2013 15:53

Inthefamilyway that's quite sad really. I'm a mum and and a stepmum and I know for a fact that I don't come a distant second in my DH's affections behind any of the children nor does he come a distant second in mine. I love my DC and DSC as children of our family and I love my DH as my partner, friend and lover. Different but equal and he feels the same.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 15:58

I think he wanted to take her because he had this idea in his head of how he wanted it to be (ie she'd love it and they'd have a brilliant time and it would be great) and he was determined to force it to happen. At the expense of my feelings.

I don't feel threatened by DSD - she's just a kid, it's not to do with her. But in my very black, most private moments I do wonder whether he just wants to recreate the family he lost when his ex walked out on him and that as long as I was kind to DSD and willing to slot into his and her lives with minimum disruption to them both, I could've been anyone really.

I have said that to him before and he vigorously denied it of course. But then he would, wouldn't he?

OP posts:

BruthasTortoise · 31/08/2013 16:02

the thing is though if he's trying to recreate his previous family the Wimbledon thing would never have happened. those kind of things just would no happen if you were DSD's mother, it would be unheard of for one parent to take the DC to an event that they wouldn't enjoy at the expense of the other parent who would love it. Believe me these things will not happen with your DC and quite frankly I think they should be nipped in the bud with DSD.

FlutteringButterflie · 31/08/2013 16:06

Well if tgat was what you wanted you shouldn't have married a man with children.

I think that's quite an unfair thing to say to be honest.

digerd · 31/08/2013 16:07

Has he said why he does not want his DM to have her GD with her? Was it for a few hours, overnight or a few days? That does sound strange.

everlong · 31/08/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:15

DSD has stayed over with MIL plenty of times. It wouldn't even have been overnight. I don't know why he didn't take her up on it. He was determined, despite everything, that he was going to take DSD, queue for a ticket and we'd all 'go together'. But that was never, ever going to be possible in practice.

Like I said, the only realistic options were either take DSD who didn't give a shit about going, or take me who really really wanted to go. He chose her.

This photo thing is compounding all the issues around the Wimbledon thing.

Bruthastortoise, I made exactly your point to DP at the time and he had no answer to it. Because it's true.

OP posts:

pictish · 31/08/2013 16:17

If I wanted a photo if DH and I up in the house, I'd choose one, frame it and put it up.Your DH has done nothing wrong except fail to be a mind reader.Maybe there's more to it but in this instance, he's done nothing wrong.

I agree. The other couple's photo will have been framed and displayed by the woman, I bet. The bloke probably wasn't all that fussed.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:18

Ever long I have said all this to him before. But either he's deliberately obtuse or I'm using language that he just doesn't comprehend. His answer to everything is that he loves DSD and wants her to be with him as much as possible.

I don't know what I can say back that doesn't make it sound like I'm trying to make him choose between me and her. I'm not. I just want him to choose me at all.

OP posts:

FlutteringButterflie · 31/08/2013 16:19

Like I said, the only realistic options were either take DSD who didn't give a shit about going, or take me who really really wanted to go. He chose her.

Perhaps he feels guilty about not spending a lot of time with her, and thought taking you over her would add to further not spending time together.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:21

Fluttering, she lives with us half the time. He spends as much time with her as her mum does. Probably more, in fact because we take her on all our holidays, etc and her mum doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:23

Everlong no I can't live like this. I don't want to live like this. But I don't know how I can word it so that the penny drops for him.

Whenever I've tried to explain things to him he ends up twisting it so it sounds like I'm saying I don't want DSD around. Which is so far from the point. It's very frustrating.

OP posts:

everlong · 31/08/2013 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneFonda · 31/08/2013 16:28

YABU about the photo - if you want a framed photo of you as a couple, buy a frame, and frame the one you want. Unless you specifically ask him to do it, how on earth can you expect him to know?

However, I suspect that this is a minor thing that has developed into something unnecessarily big, because of the other issues.

You have to speak to him about it, though. It's not fair on you to be feeling like this, and it's not fair on him to not know how you feel.

He may be over compensating so that his DD always feels loved, which is completely fine and understandable - you can never have too much love from a parent!

How is your relationship with your DSD?

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:46

Relationship with DSD is okay. But if I'm completely honest I find things very intense when she's here. She just wants to be with DP all the time so I find that DP and I just don't really talk when she's here.

During the school holidays he's been keeping her up later, so we haven't even had evenings to catch up with each other.

When we went on holiday for two weeks we shared a room every night. I found that too much really.

Since we've been back, she's only been with her mum four four nights and we've had her again for another eight in a row. I do find it quite claustrophobic. Like I barely have time to get my head above water to take a breath before she's here for another huge chunk of time and I'm back underwater again.

In the background to all this I'm pregnant and working full time (I am the higher earner) in a really stressful job. I really need my partner's support and, well, attention. And I don't get it when DsD is around. That's not her fault, it's his.

I had a fainting spell the other day on the bus. I got home and was halfway through explaining to DP what had happened, sitting there pale and sweating while I was scoffing a chocolate bar to get my blood sugar up. When DSD comes in and asks DP if she can have some of my chocolate. He said yes and asked me to give her some. He couldn't understand why I was upset and told me it makes him upset when he sees me not sharing with his child.

OP posts:

digerd · 31/08/2013 16:51

I think he is over compensating, too. He was so wrong taking DSD to Wimbledon when he knew she wasn't interested. Really inappropriate for a 5 year-old to sit still for so long and he knows he made a big mistake there.
I too wonder how he is when DSD is not living with you. Are his conversations all about her still?

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 16:58

When she's not here he sort of moons after her. He's definitely more subdued. He doesn't talk about her loads and loads but there's always the inevitable 'what shall we do when DSD is next here?' discussion.

We don't really do anything nice just the two of us. I get the impression he feels it's a waste of time if DSD isn't coming too.

When she's not here we mainly just get on with chores and boring stuff so that his time's free for when she's back.

I wonder whether it'll be like this when the baby comes and we'll only do fun stuff when DSD can come too and the rest of the time we'll just be pottering round the house getting things ready and waiting for when she next comes back.

OP posts:

NoComet · 31/08/2013 16:58

Apart from wedding pictures most adults would find romantic pictures of just them as a couple odd to have on public display,

Certainly once you have children they'd feel very odd. Perhaps a nice photo taken at a black tie thing, where the DCs wouldn't have been, but generally no, nice couple pictures are for teens and photo albums.

heartisaspade · 31/08/2013 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

InTheFamilyWay · 31/08/2013 17:08

Heartisaspade at the risk of sounding pedantic I get hypoglycaemic regularly - even when I'm not pregnant, so sugar was what I needed than and DP knew this. I mentioned it only because it seemed symbolic that even when I'm pregnant and having a fainting spell, he wants me to stop doing the one thing that's helping me so that DSD (who doesn't need it) can have it.

I don't think your interpretation of what I've said is fair or an accurate assessment of what it's like to be in it, living it. But you're entitled to your opinion.

OP posts:

BruthasTortoise · 31/08/2013 17:08

I disagree heartisaspade it is not normal behaviour for a five year old to ask one adult if she can have something another adult is eating and for the asked adult to agree and demand it be handed over. That is the height of rudeness and I wouldn't accept it from my DC, would you?

The feelings of suffocation are to do with the intense relationship between your DP and his DD, it's not actually the little girl OP and it does sound abnormal to me.

DottyboutDots · 31/08/2013 17:12

Why did the mother of DSD leave?

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