To be upset about this?

[InTheFamilyWay]

DP and I live together. He has a DD who lives with us half the time. We've had some issues in the past with him sidelining our relationship for DSD. That sounds terrible - obviously she should come first in all appropriate ways. But what I mean is things like choosing to take her instead of me to something I really wanted to go to and that he knew she would hate. And making non-important appointments for her that clash with important appointments for me and him. That sort of thing.

Anyway, we recently made friends with this couple and went to their house for dinner. I noticed that they had a couple of really lovely photos of them together framed in their living room. Just nice snaps of them hugging each other and suff. Nothing naff or formal.

I mentioned to DP at the time that we don't have any pictures up of us together and that I thought it would be nice if we did. The only framed photos up in our house are of DSD.

He was looking through some pictures taken on our recent holiday and showed me one saying that it would be a good one to put up of us. But it had DSD in it too.

AIBU to be upset that he just doesn't get it? I just want some sort of demonstration that he values our relationship in its own right and not just insofar as it relates to him and DsD. Which is what it feels like most of the time.

Op, you're not the lady with the ikea shoe rack as well are you??

I find this whole thread quite shocking. You sound extremely unreasonable to me OP. All the things you are complaining about (except for the chocolate) are all the things I expect automatically from my DH who lives with me and my children from a previous relationship.

My children are at their other parent's home a lot less than it sounds like your DSD is, but I feel like DH and I are incredibly lucky that we have so much regular time to just be a couple when they are away. It's a lot more than most couples with children get.

You joined a ready made family when you committed yourself to a man who already has a child. Everyday life was never going to just be about you and him only.

I don't understand why people are intimating that it's a bad thing that this man is trying to make sure his dd knows she's important to him at a time when he's bringing a half sibling into her life.

You are never in a million years going to get him to "get" this, if half the people on this thread don't.
I totally understand where you're coming from. But I don't have a solution I'm afraid.

Personally I think YABU - I've seen plenty of threads from people on the other side of these situations. If somebody had posted a thread saying:

"My DP is jealous that I took my DD to Wimbledon, and says they like they're drowning and don't get enough attention when DD is around. They wanted to put up a joint picture of us and I found a lovely one of the 3 of us, but that's not good enough because DD's in it"

?the responses would have undoubtedly been, "Your DP is BU and needs to accept that you and DD come as a package". Same thing applies here. You say you "just want him to choose you at all", but he IS doing that - he found a picture of both of you, just like you asked.

However, regardless of who's right or wrong in this situation, keep in mind that you can't control the behaviour of other people - you can only control the way that you respond to it.

Missed a word - they FEEL lke

Oh god, this Wimbledon thing again.

You weren't excluded - the ticket was never for you, it is something he chooses to do with his daughter, but you decided you were more entitled to her ticket.

I'm not under any illusion that being a step parent is easy, I strongly suspect I'd be rubbish at it which is why I'll never be one.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm sure you'll bumble along resenting her more and more especially after your child arrives, she'll probably become more of a pita as she gets older as kids often do when they know they aren't particularly wanted and her dad will continue to be a bit of a damp squib leaving everyone in an unhappy situation.

I'm a Mum and have been a Stepmum, and I think you sound very selfish tbh.

You chose to live with a man who already has a child, so you clearly wouldn't get to be top priority for him. Ever. The child did not choose for you to arrive and move in with her father. Why did you have a baby with a man who's commitments spoil your expectations?

If I'm eating something, and my DC wander in, they'll often ask for a bit. Usually I'll share with them, I want to be a good role model. A square of your chocolate would not have changed whether it was raising your blood sugar or not, and even if it did, you're expecting adult understanding from a child.

DSD shared your room on holiday, well where else was she supposed to go? In the corridor for a couple of nights?

I don't get the Wimbledon thing really...sounds like your dp offered a solution, but you had turned it into a you v. DSD situation and didn't want to back down.

You do sound as though you're competing with your DSD...and it's not a competition you can or should win.

You sound completely insecure, is this linked to your own past or issues rather than your current circumstances?

Ah, was this the DSD you were cross with for ruining your big holiday because she was unsettled and didn't want to ride an elephant on her own?

I always imagined I'd fall in love with someone who loved me equally and for a while we'd be each other's worlds. Then we'd bring a child into our unit together. Now it'll never happen that way for me and I do feel a bit of grief over that.

Unfortunately, you can't have that. You fell for someone who already had a relationship which was important to him, but it sounds as though you are trying to make your time with him when your step daughter isn't there more like that of a child-free couple which just isn't possible. I do understand that you feel you have missed out on a whole stage of your relationship, but I think you have to come to terms with that and accept your situation for what it is.

Things may change when you have a child of your own and you appreciate that a father who is devoted to his children makes up for the carefree single man you missed out on, but they also may not change at all. You may suddenly understand how he feels or you may feel more sidelined or worry that he loves your step daughter more than your child together, or that he loves them both more than you. The point it, unless you can communicate effectively with him to work around these issues, you could be setting yourself up for a long hard slog fighting your feelings and trying to plaster on a brave face when you don't feel it inside. It sounds like you both feel that you don't communicate well with one another - he is frustrated and interprets your comments as sidelining his daughter and you are frustrated and feel that he is putting you second. Perhaps counselling could work for you, having a neutral third party who can help you find a way to show each other how you're feeling without ending up in resentment or arguing. I wish you the best of luck.

I think with the chocolate thing, if I was eating something and one of my kids wondered in and asked for some I would make a decision about it and respond accordingly. I might say 'here you go' I might say 'no' I might say 'go and get your own' or 'I'll get you one in a minute' but if they asked DP if they could have my chocolate and he said 'yes' and told me to hand it over I'd have the skin off his back be a bit cross. I think it's really disrespectful. I know it's only a bit of chocolate but that's the point. It's only a bit of chocolate so why can't the OP decide for herself if she wants to share it or not? It's not bone marrow. Not that she shouldn't be able to refuse to share bone marrow too but the stakes are higher so bringing pressure to bear is understandable.

Wonder why DSD didn't ask op directly? Perhaps she's picked up on the resentment and op 'drowning' in her presence and is a bit uncomfortable.

You shouldn't have married him if you weren't willing to build a relationship and care for his daughter as step mother surely?

YABU. You don't like having your dsd around, and competing for your dh's attention, because (rightly) you are always going to lose. YABVVVVVVVVVV(etc)U to have gotten pregnant with this man when you seem to be so insecure in your relationship with him.

The only people I know who have couple photos around the house without the kids in are couples without kids! You see yourself as this at the moment, in contrast to how your dh sees you (as a family).

No wonder dss clings to her dad when she's there. Firstly, she's 6 ffs! Secondly, she only sees him half the time, not full time, so there's making up to do, and thirdly, she has to compete with you for attention, and you are so needy.

I don't see this ending well. You are already competing against dd, begrudging her yours and dh'd time, attention and even your chocolate! When your child comes along, you will be doing the same on the baby's behalf x100. While your dh is being a good dad to his first dd, you will never be happy.

How long have you been together? It takes longer than you would imagine for a stepfamily to settle down. I'm a stepmum and mum to be too, but DH does treat me as his priority when that is approriate, DH's needs come first when that is approriate, and we both treat DSS as priority when that is appropriate- everyone's needs have to be met to some extent for a family to work..

Your post comes across like you are in the early stages, and struggling to accept your situation. I'd say we took 2 years to settle into a functional family role, and that was with a 50/50 custody like yours. Your DP is probably struggling to come to terms with how to be a partner and a dad- those two roles combined naturally in his first family, and it takes time to understand how those roles combine.

I think your feelings are fairly normal if you are less than 2 years in... It doesn't mean it won't change, or work out, but you do need to learn how to communicate effectively with your DP without everything coming across as a criticism of DSD.

Neither of you are BU, you just have different needs/expectations at the moment.

'The impression I get is that your dp doesn't want to have a relationship with you that is seperate to you being a family unit which I do find odd.'

RandomMess sums up it said perfectly OP.

With DH, who I have two DD's with, it's just not an issue that we ignore leave them (although not so much the younger one) to their own devices while we watch shit with swearing in on the telly relax.

But your DSD sounds like she's treated as a permanent visitor, with all the accommodating pandering that goes with that. If your DH is trying to provide a stable family environment, I wouldn't say that this is it.

YANBU to want to have an adult relationship with him, and I don't think the things you describe only come across that way because of the slant you're putting on them. They're things that can stand alone, showing this isn't the level connection you're looking for in a DP.

He's there because it's easiest and gives his DSD what he thinks she needs, although the baby might change those dynamics, so my advice would be to wait and see (if you can), if it stays the same/becomes worse (which with his track record is going to be likely isn't it? ) then LTB knowing you've given it a chance.