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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an uncle IS a close relative?

153 replies

Watto1 · 30/08/2013 19:52

My uncle sadly passed away a few days ago. His funeral is on Thursday next week. My boss says that I can't have compassionate leave to go to his funeral as compassionate leave is 'for close relatives only.'

I will be going regardless, using my annual leave rather than compassionate leave, but AIBU to think that an uncle should be considered a close relative?

OP posts:
Namechangingnorma · 31/08/2013 15:40

I believe any compassionate employer would give leave
For an uncle's funeral. As a manager I wouldnt think twice about giving it and everyone I have ever worked for would. Very suprised to hear of all the businesses that wouldnt, I have worked for 4 multi-billion pound businesses and all have been kind, caring and flexible in this respect.

ZeroTolerance · 31/08/2013 18:04

Why do you begrudge losing a day of your annual leave?

I guess the reason they limit it to the stated family members is that most people have a maximum of 2 parents, 4 grandparents and a small number of siblings.

In large families, you can have a LOT of uncles/aunts/cousins.

Anyway, what's the big deal? You have annual leave precisely so you can take time off work to accommodate your personal life - you don't have to use all 25 days (average) to sit on a beach.

Purple2012 · 31/08/2013 19:10

I didn't begrudge using a days annual leave for my uncles funeral. What made me mad was the woman who didn't come to work because her cat or rabbit (can't remember which) was not made to take leave.

flowery · 31/08/2013 19:26

That's appalling Heffalump :(

confettiwoman · 31/08/2013 20:48

Go using your annual leave, but make sure you manage to somehow not volunteer for something your boss would want you to do in the future. Whether it be covering phones whilst others go to lunch, not doing a report, or covering for him/her in someway. Make yourself unavailable or simply don't volunteer. Even don't stay 15 mins late when you would normally.

My boss did the same for my Grandads funeral that i had to organise! We 'get' 3 days a year of compassionate leave, and he suggested i 'save' 2 of them in case i need them. I bluntly told him i don't have any more relatives that are about to pop their clogs and that i was taking the 3 days. Full stop.

Be strong, and be awkward.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/08/2013 21:02

I'm amazed that in this day and age, where 'family' covers all sorts of set ups, that they can be so prescriptive about what defines family.

Sorry for your loss Wato Flowers

chocolateicecream · 31/08/2013 22:35

I am very sorry for your loss.

In my eyes 'a close relative' is a relative that you felt close to no matter who they are. I remember feeling devastated when I lost my uncle, all his nieces and nephews adored him and felt the same. I gave a speech at his funeral. Only recently I discovered that this speech really touched the vicar who himself was an uncle but not a farther. It made him realise how important his uncle role was.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 31/08/2013 23:08

I'm amazed you think they wouldn't be prescriptive about what constitutes a family. Otherwise you'd get people taking days off for their second cousins girlfriends stepsisters aunties funeral.

It's a business, not a charity. Thats what your leave is for.

FreeWee · 31/08/2013 23:19

quoteunquote that sounds like a supportive policy. I'm a firm believer that if you care about somebody enough to be prepared to go to their funeral (sounds weirdly worded but I hate funerals and have to brace myself for them) then you should be shown some compassion for your loss and get compassionate leave.

Having said that evil wretches who lie about going to a funeral when really they just want a day off give honest grieving people a bad name and should be hauled over the coals if discovered What sick bastard lies about someone's death?

OP I'm sorry for your loss and if you feel you were close to your uncle then I'd have given you compassionate leave sod HR bloody policy

Lethologica · 31/08/2013 23:26

I am very sorry for your loss and, of course, I think that an Uncle is a close relative but I still think you are unreasonable to expect to be paid.

I would just take the day as annual leave.

I hope everything goes well next week. Thanks

BackforGood · 31/08/2013 23:34

Sorry for your loss
I agree with most other people on here. An Uncle might be close to you, or might not, but in terms of allowing compassionate leave, there has to be a line drawn and that is usually parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse and children.
It's not so bad for people who can take Annual leave, but becomes more difficult if you are in a job like teaching and don't have that option. Sad

Saadusman7442 · 21/08/2020 22:27

Why is that unreasonable? How is an uncle(by blood) not a close relative. They are very close. Its reasonable to say they are extended family but very unreasonable to say they are not close. It's actually madness to suggest they anything but close .you are genetically as related to ur uncle as u are to ur grandparents . In some cases you share more DNA with your uncles than your grandparents and stupidly you can get compassion leave for grandparents but not uncles. Its absolutely mind boggling and really offensive to many

Leaannb · 21/08/2020 22:31

Sorry but he would be considered extended family. Close family is your spouse,children,sibilings and parents. Not your parent sibilings....I fired someone last week over this issue but there was a level of deceit involved

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 22:36

Hi OP

Havent read the full thread but I'd ask for a definition. To me, immediate family is one link eg sibling parent or child. And close family is one removed eg grandparent niece nephew or uncle aunt. What do they define as close but not immediate?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 22:39

Also from a legal PoV if your employer has a decent stress policy they will take into account everyones personal circumstances. For example someone who's grandparents brought them up would need compassionate leave to attend their funeral as otherwise they could fall apart. Someone who saw their uncle twice a year woukdnt need the same level of understanding.

FiligreePot · 21/08/2020 22:42

Fairly certain the OP probably isn’t worrying about this now since it was 7 years ago!

Sceptre86 · 21/08/2020 22:56

Sorry for your loss. I would take annual leave too. I think in these circumstances managers should be able to use some discretion.

I had to take unpaid leave the day my dad (fil) died. Didn't matter that I had lived with him for four years and I loved him as deeply as I do my actual dad. My work policy is partners, parents and offspring, not sure if siblings are included.

BritWifeinUSA · 21/08/2020 23:05

@Saadusman7442

Why is that unreasonable? How is an uncle(by blood) not a close relative. They are very close. Its reasonable to say they are extended family but very unreasonable to say they are not close. It's actually madness to suggest they anything but close .you are genetically as related to ur uncle as u are to ur grandparents . In some cases you share more DNA with your uncles than your grandparents and stupidly you can get compassion leave for grandparents but not uncles. Its absolutely mind boggling and really offensive to many
The thread is seven years old but the OP never confirmed that the uncle was related by blood. It’s possible to not be related by blood to an uncle if he is your mother’s sister’s husband. I think that’s probably the reason why many companies don’t give compassionate leave for aunts and uncles.
Annabanana1234 · 21/08/2020 23:12

Back when I was 18 I started work the same day as another girl and we became close. 9 months later she died because her bf drove like an idiot and crashed. I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral because the managers were all going plus this one older woman who broke down in tears in the staff room when everyone was told on the Monday (I’d known since her dad called me on the Friday)

I’m still salty that they allowed her time off that day and for the funeral when she barely said good morning to her. Everyone else was horrified when I went into work the day of and I ended up telling them to stick their job a few weeks later.

KatherineJaneway · 21/08/2020 23:15

@Saadusman7442

Why reply to a zombie thread?

nettytree · 21/08/2020 23:22

I used to work with a woman who would manage to wangle time off because her next door neighbours cousins brother in law, fathers hamster had died. A uncle is a close relative but work places down have to have a cut off for this.

rosiejaune · 21/08/2020 23:33

Well it depends what they mean by "close". Uncles are second degree relatives; maybe they mean first degree? But of course you could be closer emotionally to him than genetically.

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 23:40

I wouldn't consider an uncle a close relative. Compassionate leave is for relationships that might cause grief rather than a vague feeling of sadness. Spouses, parents and children, not sure I'd even include siblings.

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 23:42

Just seen the date. Seems uncle has pushed up many a daisy by now!

Shizzlestix · 21/08/2020 23:54

Tricky. My aunt helped bring me up, she’s like a big sister. I’d be devastated if I couldn’t go to her funeral. I’m dreading her dying, it will be awful. 😢 I will be more affected by her death than by my mother’s. YANBU, OP.