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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an uncle IS a close relative?

153 replies

Watto1 · 30/08/2013 19:52

My uncle sadly passed away a few days ago. His funeral is on Thursday next week. My boss says that I can't have compassionate leave to go to his funeral as compassionate leave is 'for close relatives only.'

I will be going regardless, using my annual leave rather than compassionate leave, but AIBU to think that an uncle should be considered a close relative?

OP posts:
HungryHorace · 30/08/2013 21:13

I'm going to my uncle's (by marriage) funeral next Thursday too. If I hadn't been on mat leave I'd have had to take annual leave as my firm's policy is like many others here regarding 'close relatives'.

Sorry for your loss. Thanks

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/08/2013 21:16

Policies have to be tight because people take the piss.

One girl where I used to work was forever wanting time off for various relations funerals. It was clearly a piss take, but no-one could prove it.

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

chanie44 · 30/08/2013 21:19

I manage compassionate leave requests at work and I probably wouldn't grant compassionate leave for an uncle unless there were special circumstances. I would grant annual leave or unpaid leave.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 21:23

One of the people I was the closest to ever in my life died recently.

I thought more of this person than my own parents

She was my husbands aunt

I didn't expect to get CL for her funeral, I took AL of course

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 30/08/2013 21:28

i think it would and should depend on how your family is "set up".

i would hate that! my uncle is my immediate family to me. we're only 6 years apart, grew up in the same house, and as i dont know my dad or have siblings... i have grown up with my uncle being my uncle, dad and brother all rolled into one. i dont have a big family (5 members not incuding dh) so not being able to go to my uncles funeral would be awful Sad

sorry for your loss op

ILikeBirds · 30/08/2013 21:29

YABU to think an uncle should be counted as a close relative, it's fairly typical for it to be parents/siblings/children only.

I couldn't get compassionate leave for a grandparent.

I think as long as there are other options, e.g. annual leave, making time up, unpaid leave to attend a funeral it's ok.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 30/08/2013 22:09

Yanbu, my dh has just had to get his union involved to get time off for his grandads funeral today. His employers are complete arseholes in many different ways, but this was a new low. Sorry for your loss.

SlowlorisIncognito · 30/08/2013 22:33

Sorry for you loss.

I think the problem with uncles and aunts is that people can have a lot of them, especially if you include partners, which people often do. I have 9 aunts/uncles, and some people have a lot more. I do think "close" is probably the wrong word to use, as this is subjective, and perhaps "imediate" is a better term to use.

On the other hand, you do share as much DNA with an aunt/uncle as you do with a grandparent, so if CL is allowed for those, I would wonder why an aunt/uncle wouldn't count.

Purple2012 · 30/08/2013 22:41

I had to take al for my uncles funeral. I wasnt happy as a colleague went 'sick' when a pet died and the boss knew this. I was very close to this uncle and saw him regularly and he was a big part of my childhood and my adult life.

I do have other aunts and uncles that I haven't seen for years and wouldn't be bothered about their funerals. Sounds harsh but they are not nice.

WilsonFrickett · 31/08/2013 00:38

After having DS I went back to work for one of 'those' banks pt 3 days a week. I won't say which one, but it's the one everyone would automatically think of wrt bad banks.

When I got the call to go and see my uncle as he was failing, it was 3pm. I walked out and called my boss on the way downstairs, she called me a contract taxi to get to the hospital.

He then stabilised, so much so that my mum went off on her holiday. Which meant I was the one to get the call 2 weeks later to go to the hospital to switch his life support off. It was a day off, I didn't have any cash on me so called a contract cab again. He died. When I went back in to work the next day I took a cheque to pay the cab (normal practice if you've used a contract cab for your own needs) and my boss's boss ripped it up. Then they gave me the day off for his funeral and sent flowers.

The thought of having to negotiate al in those circumstances makes me shudder tbh. Op is not bu.

FreshLeticia · 31/08/2013 00:55

In the civil service it is immediate family, i.e. parents, gparents, children or siblings. of yourself or your spouse. My DH's DF died suddenly before we were married and even though DH and me had been together for years, I was not allowed CL.

MsJupiterJones · 31/08/2013 01:01

I worked for a big entertainment company that used to send its employees to work/live around the country. While working hundreds of miles from 'home', my grandmother died. I was told CL did not extend beyond immediate family and she was not categorised as such.

I had to beg and reason for enough AL to go home and support my mum (an only child) in the aftermath and then again to attend her funeral. My grandparents were the only family I had beyond my mum & siblings and they helped bring me up, but I hated having to justify it by telling them all this. If you expect employees to relocate at the drop of a hat then surely a little generosity in that respect would not go amiss?

I left the company shortly after and got a much better job closer to home.

I do understand what others are saying about people taking the piss but also think that companies should always try to err on the generous side wrt CL.

Naoko · 31/08/2013 01:03

In my DP's previous job, one of his colleagues got a phonecall at work to say his father had unexpectedly died. Their boss refused to let the colleague go home, saying he had to work out the day and he might give him tomorrow off if he finished enough work. Colleague walked out.

They tried to put him through a disciplinary procedure for walking out. It was only when the union asked if they were fucking joking when someone had an attack of common sense.

hermioneweasley · 31/08/2013 08:26

The OP has been allowed to take AL so I don't see the problem.

flowery · 31/08/2013 09:58

"my dh has just had to get his union involved to get time off for his grandads funeral today."

Yes I think trying to prevent someone going to a funeral is pretty outrageous. Even if the employer doesn't have a more-generous-than-usual paid compassionate leave policy,annual leave or unpaid leave ought to be possible.

Birdsgottafly · 31/08/2013 10:04

This isn't going to be popular but i would always say to someone to get themselves signed off sick "with stress", if their employers are arseholes.

What good is anyone going to be in work when there is a funeral going on, that they have been denied leave for?

Unless you are a surgeon etc, most people can be covered for a day.

We should all be striving to create a work/life balance where ever possible and the attendance of funerals fits in with that.

mrsjay · 31/08/2013 10:07

yanbu family should be family regardless and if you have had a death in your family and a funeral compasionate leave should be allowed,

A friend of mine was brought up partly by her auntie and I remember her telling me she had to take holidays when the aunt died instead of getting leave

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2013 10:21

I'm sorry for your loss but struggling to understand why its a problem to be expected to take annual or unpaid leave to attend a funeral of a close but not immediate relative.

quoteunquote · 31/08/2013 10:22

I run a company,

if someone wants time off to go to a funeral, they get time off to go to a funeral.

I find it far better to support people in anyway they feel the need to be supported,

I need happy enthusiastic content people, who care about the company, We very rarely have anyone leave, which apart from making my life easily , saves us huge costs,

Our policy is simple if someone wants time off, they get it,

No one has ever abused it , and I never have any fake sickies , which makes a massive difference to scheduling,

Going to a funeral is so important, it can be quite damaging to an individual not to go through the process, I would never want to be the person that caused someone to miss a vital opportunity.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 31/08/2013 11:41

Flowery - they wouldn't even let him take it as unpaid al because there apparently wasn't enough notice. Some people just have no compassion.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/08/2013 12:58

sorry for your loss :(

guess companies cant always grant compassionate leave as could have lots of uncles/aunts but normally only one set of parents/2 sets of gp's and few siblings

not sure how its works for step parents?

i was very close/fond of dh's uncle and my family gave me the day off for his funeral (bless them)

when it was my dh funeral two years later, i had compassionate leave, all my friends came as well, and many of their employers granted compassionate leave (im a nanny and had met many of them, and guess kinda more personal then working in an office) tho obv didnt expect it - one employer even took day off work and didnt make my friend deduct from her holiday - bless her

there was one mb who was on ml yet she still made my friend take a day off al/unpaid - yes i know my dh wasnt her family, and no one expects it, but surely if home so no need to get extra cover (unlike all other employers) why not give the day off for a funeral of a young man

anyway, sorry for woffle and sorry again for your loss x

Viking1 · 31/08/2013 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 31/08/2013 15:24

I had to take annual leave for my grandfather's funeral. I still resent it 20+ years later.

BettyandDon · 31/08/2013 15:32

Yes it is entirely personal. My aunt for example was my closest relative by far except my parents.

I am amazed HR policies stipulate the relationship in that way. Not very compassionate is it?

Fwiw, my ex employer allowed time off for pet deaths. Although it also allowed us to bring dogs to work Smile.

DeWe · 31/08/2013 15:36

My df had 27 uncles and aunts, that's not counting their spouses. He was close to some, others he didn't see in years. There was one year 8 died over the course of about 6 months.