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Original poster

Should I tell my parents that my husband doesn't want me to go to my sisters birthday party

109 replies

bengal38 · 29/08/2013 09:44

My husband and my family don't get on. Well, nothing has actually happened but my husband refuses to go round and my parents refuse to come round here. This has been an on-going problem for me and I feel stuck in the middle.

My husband doesn't like it when I go round to my parents house for dinner (I do go) but he doesn't actually say anything to me - I can tell as he gets all moody before I go with the children (12 and 9).

Its my sisters birthday coming up and me, my 2 sisters and my mum have booked to go to a restaurant to eat at 9pm. My husband said he doesn't want me to go as he doesn't want to be at home with the children on this night. He works shift work and he said that on this day he is going to go into work so that I can't go out. He also said that the children are not to go to his mums for the night on this particular night either.

Am I being unreasonable to just go and leave him with the children even though it will start a very big arguement and I wont obviously have a nice time or should or just not go?

Also should I tell my parents the truth or just say to them that I can't go. Obviously they will ask me why so do I say that my husband is going to work even though he isn't.

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 29/08/2013 13:58

^this^

biscuit you took the words right out of my mouth

MadameJosephine · 29/08/2013 13:59

Italics fail Blush

Should have said ^ this ^

voscar · 29/08/2013 14:52

Your husband sounds like an utter cock. But you knew that anyway....

Davsmum · 29/08/2013 15:08

My DP hates family get togethers so most times I go alone. I don't expect him to go anywhere if he is uncomfortable - but there is no way he would tell me he doesn't want me to go!
Your DH or DP has no right to tell you whether you CAN go anywhere! Ok, they can say they are not happy about you going somewhere - but you should never miss out on something you want because your DH is not happy about it - He is being totally unreasonable.

You can't change him - but you can certainly change how you respond to him - and infact once you do that he may find that he HAS to change or lose you!
You have nothing to lose, so once you have a think about anything and decide you are being reasonable and he is not - then do what you want to do. Leave the ball in his court - He can change his attitude or risk the marriage ending!

kungfupannda · 29/08/2013 15:21

You've posted about this before - I remember the Spurs/Arsenal thing. Didn't they all finish up having an epic row and him refusing to speak to your family ever since?

If I remember rightly, posters then raised concerns about him controlling you. Did any changes come about as a result of that problem? Or is it still going on exactly as before?

Are you afraid of him? If not, tell him to where to stick it and make whatever arrangements you want.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/08/2013 15:22

There is nothing that I can say that anyone else hasn't said.

He is a cunt. A cruel and controlling cunt.

It's about time you turned the tables OP. LTB, or kick him out.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2013 15:24

Even at my Christmas work party he told me I can go as long as it isn't at night-time
Oh dear - this just gets worse and worse the more the write.
Others have already told you to LTB and I absolutely think you should too.
Call your mum now, pack up some things.
Get all the important stuff like passports, wage slips, birth certificates and the such like and leave now.
And do NOT go back!
Seriously this is quite unbelievable!
Please listen to everyone on here and GET OUT!!!

ChuffMuffin · 29/08/2013 15:50

This thread makes me a bit sad to read. OP I hope you are OK.

Nobody has the right to tell you that you can't see your own family. Not only is he telling you exactly that, he is also manipulating the situation to ensure that you don't see your family. That is devious and frankly scary. He sees you as a possession, his possession, not a human being with feelings.

He doesn't want you to go because he doesn't want to give your family the opportunity to get you on your own and tell you that they think your husband is a controlling bastard (which he is), and that they are worried about you (which they will be).

ChuffMuffin · 29/08/2013 15:51

Oh, and I have never, ever said this to anyone on MN before despite being on here for 3 years, but please LTB.

pictish · 29/08/2013 15:52

It's the air of docile acceptance from the OP that gets to me about this thread. Sad

pigletmania · 29/08/2013 16:21

Oh my god he is the bad one! He is contrilling and manipulative and you are letting him. Tell your mum the truth op he sounds god awful!

OctopusPete8 · 29/08/2013 16:50

Fell out over a themed party? thought out to get him? is he normally that paranoid n' batshit crazy!!!!

what would happen if u went??

13 years? how many other events have u missed then??.

conkercon · 30/08/2013 00:50

I concur with everyone else. What a complete control freak. I feel so sorry for your family as it must be hard for them to see you so controlled. I think you do need to tell them because you need some support. He is the bad guy here.

The football thing is a red herring although anyone that takes it so seriously is a knob. And that is coming from a massive Arsenal fan who is very good friends with quite a few Spurs fans.

Good luck and understand that this sort of behaviour is not normal.

MistressDeeCee · 30/08/2013 00:57

Im flabbergasted. Who does your DH think he is?! The centre of your universe since he dropped into your life years after you'd grown up with your family? You should go, and take your DCs with you - after all, its their family too. Or would he expect you to isolate yourself from your family thus also cutting your children off from them?

What happens if he one day decides to dislike another family member..or a friend..will you be expected to cut yourself off from them too? Until its just you, your DCs, & him?

Honestly Im beginning to think some men really do have too much time on their hands to apply to mischief. If he argues with you then you stand up for yourself (I hope you're safe). Speak to your family if you feel you need to.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 30/08/2013 01:13

I don't think you should speak to your family other than if you decide not to go, speak to him. Telling families things can just make it worse. They interfere with the best of intentions, that would just give your partner more impetus to be a control freak. there'll be no long term future if he can't get along with your family there's no way around it that's why you have this predicament now, and its not the first time by your account.

If you don't feel safe confronting him speak to family first and maybe get along a family member or big butch friend as support should anything occur,.

I find it hard to believe he's cut off your family over football theme it's too insane. There's more to this that you wish to keep private and have a right to or he has psychological problems.

ihavenonameonhere · 30/08/2013 03:15

Have you posted about this before OP. The football fallout sounds familiar.

Take a deep breath and read back what you wrote, pretend its your friend asking you this and see what your throughts are.

Please please please dont let his behaviour to continue.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2013 06:28

You have to stop accepting his behaviour OP. Would his mother have the children? If so arrange it, if not get a babysitter.
If he has made the decision not to see your family it is a bit sad but you need to point out that the only person he can decide for is himself and you will do as you please.

NeedlesCuties · 30/08/2013 07:06

Ring Women's Aid for advice their website and helpline number. Sounds very much like emotional abuse to me.

MrsKoala · 30/08/2013 07:20

He sounds like a twat about you going out. But i seem to remember a thread before where you said when your Husband was with your family that they mocked and ridiculed him, constantly going on about football and being quite twattish too. I seem to remember a lot of posters saying no wonder he doesn't want to see them anymore. They all sounded as bad as each other as a i recall. Poor you, being surrounded by such pricks. Apologies if this wasn't you.

saintlyjimjams · 30/08/2013 07:27

Talk to your family - about how controlling this is. Something very similar happened to a family member. Her husband kicked off every time she was planning to meet with family. She hasn't seen her siblings in years now. All because she married a controlling arse she couldn't stand up to.

saintlyjimjams · 30/08/2013 07:29

Oh and sort out a babysitter - then it doesn't matter what he's doing. You can just say 'as you're at work & I'm off out I've arranged a babysitter.' Given the age of your kids it won't be hard to organise.

saintlyjimjams · 30/08/2013 07:31

Just saw latest posts. If your family are horrible to him no surprise he doesn't want to see them. BUT he still doesn't get to prevent you going. Organise a babysitter & do what you like.

Lweji · 30/08/2013 08:33

If you start giving in to his demands it will get worse and worse.

If you don't want to leave him now, your best bet is probably to let him know that if he persists with it you will kick him out.

CocacolaMum · 30/08/2013 08:42

take the children. its only one night :)

thegreylady · 30/08/2013 08:46

If you were my dd , and I do have an adult dd with children, I would want you all away from this man now. It's not that he doesn't like your family-that is his prerogative , but that he wants to control your relationship with them and with your friends. In all seriousness you must go to the party ( can you take dc?) and prepare for a major showdown with your husband.