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Original poster

Should I tell my parents that my husband doesn't want me to go to my sisters birthday party

109 replies

bengal38 · 29/08/2013 09:44

My husband and my family don't get on. Well, nothing has actually happened but my husband refuses to go round and my parents refuse to come round here. This has been an on-going problem for me and I feel stuck in the middle.

My husband doesn't like it when I go round to my parents house for dinner (I do go) but he doesn't actually say anything to me - I can tell as he gets all moody before I go with the children (12 and 9).

Its my sisters birthday coming up and me, my 2 sisters and my mum have booked to go to a restaurant to eat at 9pm. My husband said he doesn't want me to go as he doesn't want to be at home with the children on this night. He works shift work and he said that on this day he is going to go into work so that I can't go out. He also said that the children are not to go to his mums for the night on this particular night either.

Am I being unreasonable to just go and leave him with the children even though it will start a very big arguement and I wont obviously have a nice time or should or just not go?

Also should I tell my parents the truth or just say to them that I can't go. Obviously they will ask me why so do I say that my husband is going to work even though he isn't.

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 29/08/2013 10:40

I would either make alternative child care arrangements or take the children with me.

There is no way my husband would be able to stop me seeing my family.

Hegsy · 29/08/2013 10:40

But he is the bad one.

Seriously get your stuff and go. Who does he think he is? He won't give you money! What an arse! Gah I am so angry on your behalf OP.

Inertia · 29/08/2013 10:40

Your husband sounds like a nightmare to live with. He is controlling you and trying to isolate you from your support network. The football christening is probably a red herring - if that hadn't been the catalyst then something else would have happened.

Does his behaviour often tend towards paranoia? I am a Spurs fan , if I turned up to a family celebration which had an Arsenal theme I would take the rational view that they were celebrating their own team , not mocking me.

I think you should explain to your parents what is going on , try to take the children to another babysitter, and go to the meal.

Binkyridesagain · 29/08/2013 10:41

Are you allowed friends? Can you go out alone without him kicking off? How much of the money you earn are you allowed? Is the running of the household equal? Can you wear whatever you want? Do you have to be at the end of the phone when he rings?

pictish · 29/08/2013 10:44

I'm guessing your mum is hot headed about him because she has got the true measure of what he is.
If you were my daughter I'd be hot headed too...and how!

SarahBumBarer · 29/08/2013 10:45

What a stupid, pathetic, childish, bullying, nasty dick-head.

Tell your family the full story. Honestly you need people in your life to give you a full reality check of how utterly unacceptable your husband is.

Tosser.

SarahBumBarer · 29/08/2013 10:46

Plus how egotistical? Your family probably didn't give him the least tiny bit thought when planning the christening!

OTTMummA · 29/08/2013 10:47

I can not fathom how you have relations with this fucking weirdo tbh.
I mean really, this is not normal at all.
Every time you have communicated about this birthday he has tried to manipulate and control you.
I bet he hides your bank cards or feigns illness on the day.
Someone or a group of impartial people need to point it out to him how fucking wrong his behaviour is.
He sounds like he needs a MH assessment or he was looking for any opportunity to take against your family because he wanted to isolate you.
I suspect it's the latter, which means you need to get rid as he will not change,,, ever.
Good luck op you are going to need it.

diddl · 29/08/2013 10:47

Could you take your children to your Mum's & organise a babysitter there?

and move in there whilst you find somewhere else

eatriskier · 29/08/2013 10:47

Oh ffs, he is ridiculous. I know football blood runs deep but that is stupid. I'm a spurs fan - I've been to several Arsenal, Man U and Liverpool themed events. People are allowed to support who they want. I just choose to see it as they have some weird affliction they can't help Wink

I don't think you owe him any loyalty here, I'm sorry I really don't. If he is so desperate you don't go then you tell your hot head mum the truth. And let your hot head mum go nuts. Sounds someone needs to tell him.

My xh used to get told in no uncertain terms that he did not have to attend my family events if he didn't want to but he could whistle if he thought he was stopping me. Yet another reason he is an x.

Oh, and a large chunk of his family left our wedding to go watch Arsenal play (they'd had plenty of notice and still went out of their way to buy tickets). I didn't stop him seeing them, though I did think them exceptionally rude.

RegTheMonkey · 29/08/2013 10:53

Bengal, you don't even seem to realise how totally unreasonable he is being. Seriously. It's not normal behaviour and not how a husband should behave.

springytoffy · 29/08/2013 10:55

He won't let you have money to go out?

What, is he your dad??

Are you getting it OP that he is controlling you. Cutting you off from your family is one of the main tactics of a controller. Witholding money from you is another. Has he cut you off from your friends btw?

BrokenSunglasses · 29/08/2013 11:01

OP, I hope this isn't too hard for you to read, and that you're ok. Flowers

Original poster
bengal38 · 29/08/2013 11:01

I have been with my husband for 13 years now and I suppose you get used to peoples ways. I do realise he is being controlling but I don't know how to address it to him. I have told him in the past he is controlling but he says he isn't.

Even at my Christmas work party he told me I can go as long as it isn't at night-time. They did it during the day though.

It is my sister's engagement coming up in November and even though he says he is coming I or my family don't think he will.

OP posts:
RoastedCouchPotatoes · 29/08/2013 11:05

He is trying t control you, to cut you off from any support, not giving any money and ordering you around. This is so, so wrong. I think you should talk to your mother and try and get some help- and get him to either go to counselling/relationship counselling or more- who owns the house, or is it joint? Either make him leave or get out quick yourself, with your children. You don't deserve this.

worldgonecrazy · 29/08/2013 11:06

The problem is that you are not doing anything to make him address his behaviour. You are tolerating him and allowing him to control you, and letting him get away with his selfishness and inhuman behaviour. Your family will probably help you to fix things, if you let them. This is not something you can fix yourself.

springytoffy · 29/08/2013 11:06

He's never going to admit he's controlling. Controllers make it all your fault - 'if you didn't do blah I wouldn't be like this - it's your fault'. He wants you all to himself - but not in a nice way, don't be fooled. Sad

redexpat · 29/08/2013 11:08

You've posted about him before haven't you? The Christening thing sounds familiar.

Yes he is controlling you. Please do not allow him to. If he doesn't like your family then that is one thing, but to stop you from seeing them is in a whole other abusive league.

MortifiedAdams · 29/08/2013 11:08

Why are you staying with him?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/08/2013 11:13

I can't offer anything that hasn't been said already.

He behaviour towards you is appalling, the Spurs/Arsenal thing would be laughable if it wasn't so eye opening about his mind set.

Take care and don't let him dictate to you.

ThePost · 29/08/2013 11:18

Lovely, your husband's behaviour is not normal and should not be acceptable to you. I think it would be a good idea to tell your parents everything that you have told us. Perhaps show them this thread?

diddl · 29/08/2013 11:18

Why don't your family visit you either?

Could your Dad look after the children at your parents?

Threatening to work so that you can go out is really nasty/spiteful.

I couldn't bear to be with someone who could think like that.

Let alone voice it!

MissStrawberry · 29/08/2013 11:27

He does not get to tell you what you can and can't do.

Why do you think he can?

themaltesefalcon · 29/08/2013 11:30

Your husband sounds dreadfully childish.

Spurs are shite, too, so nyer.

BiscuitDunker · 29/08/2013 11:48

You've put up with this shit for 13 yrs?! WTAF!?! I'm with all the other posters saying you should LTB!

I'd bet you NEVER go out with your friends because he doesn't want you too,infact you probably never see them unless they come to your home and usually they're only "allowed" to be round when he's there so he will know if you "slag him off",no doubt he regularly accuses you of cheating and slagging him off behind his back too doesn't he?

He's a controlling arsewipe and he makes you feel like you have to do whatever he says and wants,that much is obvious from what you've written!

You're in an incredibly abusive relationship-it may not or may be for all we know be physical abuse but the psychological abuse he is inflicting on you is evident by his outrageous controlling and manipulative behaviour and you're letting him do it by not ever standing up for yourself and always doing what he wants and your best to please him.

For the love of god,your sanity and,more importantly,the love of your children LEAVE HIM!!! He's destroying you,even if you can't see it your family and us mumsnetters can see it!! Get out of there now before he starts inflicting the exact same mind games,manipulation and controlling behaviour on your kids and destroys them too!!

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