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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

363 replies

Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 05:25

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

OP posts:
Patilla · 28/08/2013 21:51

I wouldn't have invited her around after the comment about struggling with the baby.

Given that you have I would simply be business like and treat it as if there is nothing further to be discussed and have a cup of tea ready but refuse I let her upstairs saying something along the lines of "come now DMIL we agreed that this wasn't going to happen any more".

And continue to act as if you have her agreement and could not even begin to believe she might do anything other than go along with it

clam · 28/08/2013 21:52

Just seen your latest post. You could always text back and say that you also feel hurt. Don't let her set the agenda as victim here.

Donnadoon · 28/08/2013 21:52

Don't text back, discuss it tomorrow, let her think on for tonight.

HumphreyCobbler · 28/08/2013 21:53

You need to counter the matriarch comment with the statement that we are all the matriarch IN OUR OWN HOMES.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 21:54

I've turned my phone off. I'm letting her sweat.
I'm actually finding it quite entertaining Blush
feel a bit empowered!

OP posts:
catinabox · 28/08/2013 21:55

No you are not mad fairy it sounds like you are handling things really well and are being really decent and respectful. She will have to agree to adjust, and it sounds like she is doing that. Perhaps go out for coffee if you can as people tend to behave better when they are on neutral territory? She sounds like she's open to being in a different role.

You could say something like. 'keep hold of the key in case of emergencies' That i think gives her a clear message that letting herself in whenever she likes is not ok but at the same time you are not punishing her and demanding key back.

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/08/2013 21:55

"Can't help but notice" Angry

I would seriously struggle not to slap her fecking face for that passive aggressive bullshit. Fight fire with fire OP... You "can't help but notice" that she has boundary issues, and despite repeated requests she can't seem to respect your space, your family and your repeated requests for her to stop therefore, with regret, she needs to hand over your key. Now.

catinabox · 28/08/2013 21:56

...failing that if she lets herself in again, just whip off all your clothes and let her walk in on you doing naked house work!

Crumbledwalnuts · 28/08/2013 21:56

I agree with Patilla. Don't reply to tonight's text and tomorrow behave as though she's agreed things are going to be your way in future.

That way she will have to explain to you why things should be any different to the way you want them - instead of you having to explain to her why things should be different to the way she wants them. And if you do go ahead with it, remember the value of silence when she says something out of order. Silence and leaving the room even. Let her flounder, let her try to fill the silence.

It sounds cruel but you could be on the way to anti-natal depression if this goes on.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 21:57

Just made the baby jump in his sleep laughing at naked housework!

OP posts:
daftdame · 28/08/2013 22:03

Listen, be pleasant. However, don't agree to anything, say you'll discuss with DH, if you have to stall. Then change the locks or add an extra. Then she just can't do this any longer.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/08/2013 22:03

You deserve a medal!

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2013 22:04

Don't let her hurt trump your hurt.

Would she have accepted her MIL behaving this way? I wouldn't do any of this with my own daughter let alone a DiL. I only let myself into her house if she knows I'm coming or if she asks me to. Otherwise I knock. And I would have my fortune well and truly told if I tried to take over any of her domestic duties.

She isn't going to listen to you if you give one tiny inch to her tears and 'upset'.

It's your house and your family and if she wants to continue to be a part of it she has to back off and start behaving like a guest.

clam · 28/08/2013 22:04

Actually, what does your dh say about these latest developments? Do you have him on side?

tiredaftertwo · 28/08/2013 22:05

I think these are all good suggestions.

I think you could also text back saying you are sorry she feels hurt, that was not your intention, but you think that now the air has been cleared perhaps the subject should be left for a few days and so would she like to come round on Sunday for a family lunch and to teach dsd to play monopoly (or whatever) - so a nice friendly invitation to her as a guest and doting grandmother. Then switch your phone off again and go out tomorrow morning.

And then tell dh he must deal with it if she tries to start rootling through your washing basket. I think you have done more than enough, it sounds like you made your point really clearly and kindly - but I wouldn't go any further in the direction of this being about you having difficulties. Her behaviour is unacceptable. I am glad you feel empowered. Do look after yourself, this sounds very hard with a tiny baby.

clam · 28/08/2013 22:06

Hurt? She should be feeling embarrassed.

Orianne · 28/08/2013 22:07

She'll be texting your DH as we speak...

AgathaF · 28/08/2013 22:09

She is a real player!

Why would it not occur to her that taking a bag of clothes from your home (not her home) was unacceptable. What's she even doing looking in bags in your home???

Would she like it if you took random items from her house without seeking her permission? Is it technically theft?

Every time you feel on the back foot from one of her comments, ask yourself - what would happen if I did that your your house?

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 22:09

DH is completely onside (although he is finding it funny - particularly the matriarch comment).

He says to just pretend all is normal tomorrow (as in friendly chit chat, not let her do as she pleases)

if not he says he will have a gentle chat with her.
He says he is bracing himself for text from FIL saying mum is upset!
(generally FIL is bloody ace so this would be slightly tongue in cheek if it happens)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/08/2013 22:11

She has a hide like a rhinoceros.

Why be gentle?

Mrchip · 28/08/2013 22:11

What a cow. So she's noticed you're struggling but couldn't find the time to sterilise the bottles for you?!

Seriously she's rude. Maybe say you've noticed that she's struggling to fill her time and hand her some info on volunteering or night classes- say it 'might give you a bit of purpose'

FriskyHenderson · 28/08/2013 22:12

How tall is she?

Can you put a hook or sliding bolt at the top of DSD's bedroom door?

Good luck tomorrow!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/08/2013 22:13

When you see her for coffee tomorrow she may keep turning the conversation back to her repeatedly.

You'll need to master not getting side tracked and saying: 'I understand you're hurting but.... '

I don't think the chat will work. But afterwards you know you couldn't have made it clearer. You can try and draw up some new agreements on what's acceptable though. I'd have some notes with you. May look very formal to her but you may not remember/ think clearly in the emotional fall out.

It's time to change the locks tbh. You can say keys have been stolen if you wish, to soften the blow but do not give her a new set.

I'd personally say you will be changing them at the meeting tomorrow and that she doesn't need a key anymore. But that's easy for me to say.

sarine1 · 28/08/2013 22:14

Be assertive when you see her. She'll play the hurt card, maybe get upset? I would have a couple of phrases planned:
'I can see that you're upset but we do need to be clear about boundaries'
'We need you to be a loving Gran - I can manage my house and family'.

or something to that effect...

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/08/2013 22:14

Wow - a lot can happen in a short space of time on MN.

I think you did really well with the phone call. Did you comment to your MIL that she should have asked whether or not you had plans for the old clothes before she took them? That is what normal people do - "Ah, Fairy, I see that you have a big bag of old clothes that X used to wear. Are you doing anything with them?" sorts out a load of confusion but that isn't what she did.

As for her follow up text She's just followed with a text telling me how hurt she feels. well that is ok. She is allowed to feel hurt and she is allowed to tell you about that but you don't have to do anything more about it to be honest. You have told her you were upset about how she carried oncarries on and that you were not trying to be unkind or ungrateful but in all honesty, there isn't a thing you can do about how she feels, you can only do something about how you react to her comments/feelings etc.

Best of luck to you when you have her around and have a very clear idea of what you want to achieve and also don't agree to anything that you're unsure of.