In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

[Fairy1303]

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Which of us would ever dream of letting ourselves into someone else's house and not only that but into the house of someone who has politely asked you not to enter.
I wish I didn't open these MIL threads, my blood boils every time.

Please don't let her guilt you with her stupid comments. You must stand firm however 'resonable' she sounds (she is not reasonable).

Stand firm, take away the key and lay some ground rules.

Sorry, so she took something from your home with the intention of giving it to someone else?! How is that ever acceptable?!!

You are being incredibly patient under the circumstances.

I think you're right to keep reinforcing the point that DSD wants her to be a granny , not a laundry service. It's a really crucial time in DSD's life, and it would be much better for her to have a granny who did fun things with her, rather than spending all her time trying to point-score.

I'd also make a couple of other points:

1. It's not a competition to be matriarch, you haven't taken over- you just want to run your own household. If you were trying to take over you would be letting yourself into her house, rooting around in her laundry, and taking out of the house things you thought you had a better use for.

1. Her actions don't help- they have the opposite effect. She's now done 3 things which have actively inconvenienced you and/ or DSD (the belt, the swimming costume, and the bag of clothes).

I agree that when she comes tomorrow just act as if she's accepted everything you said today.

If she try's to do anything you don't like just say calmly 'no, we talked about this yesterday, I'd rather you didn't do that' repeat until she gets the message.

Well done for sorting this out I'm such a reasonable way.

So what if she's upset. Her behaviour was upsetting you. Now you're both upset, her only because she's been pulled up on unreasonable behaviour.
She'll get over it but if the relationship between you is to work long term she has to let you do the mothering and step back and be a granny only visiting when invited and not over ruling you and letting herself into your house and doing stuff in your house uninvited. Your husband has to back you up on this and tell his mum that you are a couple now and although she was really helpful when he was a single parent she has to adapt to the fact that he is married now, and she has to be a granny not a mother and give you both more privacy and autonomy.
If tomorrow she starts going on about how you've upset her you can retaliate by telling her how much her behaviour was upsetting you by making you feel over ruled and undermined and could she please only come into your house and do stuff when invited as you feel she is trying to push you out and she has her own house.
I'd be wanting locks changed if she didn't behave herself. I wouldn't want anyone letting themselves into my house uninvited and taking stuff and fiddling with my stuff. Fine if you employ a cleaner or ask for help but randomly doing someone else's washing isn't on and is controlling.

The idea of someone coming into the house like that is so awful, so unbelievably awful, it would piss me off no end. It needs to stop.

i think you have been more than reasonable and i am in awe of the way you have handled it.

She's feeling upset and hurt after this one text?

I think the appropriate answer is 'welcome to my world - all your actions seem designed to upset and belittle me'. and then let her stew on that for a while...

How does she think you feel about all this? Doesn't sound like she has ever stopped to really think about what you feel about her actions other than the convenient stuff that make her feel good about herself - that's she's helping you or your dsd and therefore you must like it.

I think if she has taken stuff home before when it's been needed then the swimming costume disappearing is something that can be turned into a big thing quite easily and reasonably. You can't afford for any of dsd or ds's stuff to be at her house because they are likely to need it in their own house before they get to her house and they will always take the stuff they need with them anyway. Especially with babies, catch them on a bad day and they can go through loads of outfits, you don't want to discover you don't have anything as they are all at MIL's. I'd also get the belt back - just because dsd doesn't like it today, she might like it next week on a different outfit.

If she starts to say that she didn't think you'd mind then jump in and tell her exactly, she didn't think. at all. of any of the consequences. She is trying to be thoughtful but she's just thinking of herself and actually being selfish and thoughtless.

Another vote here for changing the lock - I don't think getting the key back from her will work. Was it you that had a locksmith dh? If you did, I bet he could change the barrel really easily. And then when you go away and do need her or someone else to pop in, he can change back to the old barrel, then if MIL tries to get a sneaky key cut, when she comes back she'll discover that her new key doesn't work when you are back and your dh has put the new barrel in again.

Good luck - I think you're going to need it! And I think it's going to take several goes to get MIL to realise what she is doing is wrong. Is there any way that you could get FIL on side - at least with the swim suit at the moment there is a golden opportunity for you or dh to say something to him to see if he has any suggestions as to how to get your MIL not to take stuff as she doesn't know what plans you have for it.

Hope you get the swimsuit back in time and the bag of clothes in time to give to your friend!

My PIL have keys to the house and live 5 mins walk away, but wouldn't dream of letting themselves into the house unless we had told them they could for a specific purpose. And vice versa.

Also if they want to help out, they ask how they can help, not just go and pick up random washing.

Regardless of how loose things were in the past when it was only DH and DSD in the house, now it's perfectly normal for there to be a different arrangement.

You all need space and boundaries. How would she feel if you went into her house and took something she needed for the next day? Pretty miffed I would think! It's just so obvious, but clearly she is completely socially awkward or being wilfully obtuse and needs to be sat down in a family conference to discuss the way forward.

Again, the text from her saying she is now the one who is upset/hurt rings alarm bells for me.

My MIL is known for doing exactly this.

If you raise a problem in a reasonable and adult way I can guarantee that within a very short space of time it will somehow have become your fault rather than hers.

Mine made a series of upsetting, hurtful and cruel comments to me, which she then compounded with telling lies about me to others in the family. I was upset, DH spoke to her, she told him she was sorry she had upset me.

She didn't apologise to me when I saw her later on and we had a slightly awkward and embarrassed but still polite and reasonably friendly visit for about an hour before she suddenly stood up and walked out of the house. FIL followed. It was all a bit bizarre because it came out of the blue.

They rang DH from the car ten minutes later to say MIL was weeping and very upset with me because I was being 'off' with her and that they would never return to our house until I was prepared to make them feel more welcome.

I knew that something like that would happen when DH said he would speak to her about the things she had said to upset me. She cannot live with being confronted about something, it drives her crazy until she can find a way to turn it back onto the person she has hurt or upset.

I suspect your MIL may now be doing the same thing. She knows you've made a fair point and a reasonable request but she doesn't like it. So she's had a dig about you 'struggling' and is now playing 'poor me' to try and make you feel guilty.

Sorry - short post - I need to get kids ready for school

Can you play her at her own game & ask her to take your baby out for a walk - so you can get some housework done?

You're doing really well - stay calm, pleasant and in charge when she comes.

you've had some really good advice here. and you handled it really well. I agree with others that you should just keep shutting her down

• I appreciate you are trying to help but you aren't. if you want to help please ask what needs doing
• we spoke about this yesterday, yes I do mind

alternatively like pp says, if she starts trying to do anything then fling a preferably screaming ds at her and firmly say no, taking ds for a walk will help me more

You aren't going to get far with words. Her behavior is too habitual. You will have to put physical barriers in order for to learn new more acceptable behaviors.

The problem you have is that she doesn't want to help or she would do the jobs you ask her to do. Her comment about you being the new "matriarch" shows how she really sees things which is that control and power are important to her and she wants to keep control by doing what she wants to do. But she can't have that in your house or relating to your children. She needs to be a loving grandmother and get her control fix from another source.

I agree with the others. Try to see it as a done deal, nothing more really to discuss.

Keep it unemotional if you can. Try not to let her talk about the relationship with your daughter and stick to the totally indefensible behaviour that you want to change.

Best of luck! You have put up with this for long enough!

Help is only helpful if wanted.

I would not ask her to do anything - apart from be lovely to her gdc - for the moment. I think asking for any specific "jobs" at all blur the lines - she can then say she was trying to be "helpful" again and get obsessed with your bins or socks or something.

I think I would stick to the line that you do not want and do not need help. What you want is a loving grandmother who spends time with her lovely grandchildren. That is more valuable. If this all settles down in time, they you could let her load the dishwasher with tea cups or some other job that guests do from time to time, as a reward!

It is horrible, but you have the trump card here. She wants to see the dc. She is likely to see more of them if she gets on with their mother (I know you would never deny her access, but at the margins, when wondering whether to ask her to join you on a family picnic or not.....)

And I agree with others - get the locks changed and do not give her keys. You can make some excuse, but if she pushes it I would explain that you have keys with a neighbour for emergencies and there is no reason for her to be in your house when you are not there.

Good luck.

My fil used to insist on doing the ironing. It was nice having crease free clothes but tbh I really didn't like it. He would do it at the weekend and I would have piles of clothes all over my house to be put away. Sod that at the weekend unless I choose too. You life.

You aren't going to get far with words. Her behavior is too habitual. You will have to put physical barriers in order for to learn new more acceptable behaviors

This is bang on. Unfortunately, and for whatever misguided reason, I don't think the fact that you are annoyed and unhappy is going to stop her indulging in this behaviour. She will have to be prevented from being able to do it.

When you discuss things with her i think you have to be kind but firm.

Kind in expressing thanks for the support she gave to your husband and stepdaughter when your husband was a widower (as no mother is mentioned here I'm presuming this is the case as it's very unusual for mothers to have no contact at all with children). Thanks for her thinking about doing helpful things for you as you have a baby.

Firm in making it clear that you are finding the current behaviour too intrusive (you could use a better word) and asking her to phone before visiting to check it is convenient in the same way you phone her before visiting. Make it clear being "family" doesn't excuse you from social niceties and it's better to be a welcome expected visitor than to be in the way.

Firm in asking her not to let herself in if there is no-one in, but if she phones first she shouldn't be turning up when there is no-one in.

Firm in asking her not to do your housework/ laundary/ remove stuff from the house unless she discusses this with you or your husband first. Mention that she'd think it odd if you let yourself into her house and took her laundary away without asking.

Kind in then stressing that you really appreciate the bond she has with your stepdaughter, hope she forms as good a bond with your son and hope she can enjoy seeing her grandchildren without having to do all the housework/ parental stuff which now you and your husband will be doing.

If she doesn't accept this carries on as before then the locks get changed and the house is kept locked even if you're in for a few weeks. (My front door is always locked)

Ffs I would have changed the locks and had an extremely stabby face on if she dared to come over more than once a week

I like privacy

You are a saint

How did the coffee chat go?

Bloomin heck OP, just read the thread and want quite believe she's so thick skinned after so many direct comments from you!

One of the main things I've picked up on is her sense of ownership. She doesn't feel like she is a guest or visitor, she feels it's her house too.
Exemplified by things like taking the bag of old clothes, because why in a million years would she think she had a right to help herself unless she thought everything of DSDs belonged to her by default anyway?
She needs to be told by your DP that she can't help herself to anything in your house ever!

Also a good idea to ask for her key back or change the locks - v cheap do do.

I think she may need more than a 'gentle' word tho, it's a pretty big deal for her, a passing cooment won't make any impact!

Hope the chat went well...

How did it go fairy ? Are you o.k?