I have posted similar before.
DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.
We also have a 9 week old DS.
These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.
DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??
She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.
She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!
I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??
It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.
Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!
AIBU?
In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping
Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 05:25
You poor thing. I agree with others - you can't send her mixed messages. I have been in a slightly similar position and think the only thing to do is say that what you want is grandparent time with you dc, that's it, that's all that matters - and if necessary that you are teaching your dsd boundaries and one of them is you don't go into other people's bedrooms unasked, so she needs to stay downstairs.
And I would treat her firmly as a guest. When she turns up, sit her at the kitchen table and put the kettle on, if she starts to go upstairs say "where are you going?", don't engage with washing or household jobs and if she asks about them or anything else that you consider private, just change the subject or don't answer, if she steals your laundry, ask for it back, as you have done. It probably will mean there is a chill between you, tbh, but I can't see how you can go on like this, with someone coming into your home and removing stuff, and I agree your dh has to act too.
I am sure there are much more complicated things going on here as well but people who grew up in small damp houses in the 40s can be quite obsessive about airing and drying clothes and rotating them through the house in a complicated system 
.
I have had a phone call.
She 'suspected from the tone of my text that i may be upset'.
She says she took the clothes as she had her friends granddaughter in mind for them, she didn't think I would mind. Did I have them in mind for somebody then? (I did)
I explained that I did, I had promised them to a friend who we are seeing tomorrow (true). She apologised and said she hadn't realised.
tbh this put me on backfoot as was all very reasonable - but why just assume she could take them?? why not ask if she wanted to give them to someone specific?
I said that I was upset, that I don't want to seem ungrateful or unkind but that I feel that she thinks I can't look after DSD properly, and that her constant (used that word) coming round, letting herself in and busying herself with chores, and chores specifically related to DSD is compounding this. I have said that that DSD is finally starting to accept that I am not going to leave her, that she can rely on me and that we are a family, and she is as important as DS, and part of that family unit is that I look after her things.
I have said that I feel that it may be confusing for DSD as she does not know who is her parent. She loves you MIL, you are her granny, she needs a granny, my mum isn't the same (play into her hands).
MIL says she understands the way I feel. she is sorry, she thought she had made an effort and thought she was helping. She can't help but notice that I am struggling with DS as he is such a 'difficult baby' who 'wont be put down'. she supposes she will have to accept that I am now the matriarch of the family and taken over. 
I have invited her for coffee tomorrow to discuss.
Am I mad?
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Wow!
Sounds as though you put your point across fairly and tactfully, under the circumstances. Bit about the dig about your baby being 'difficult.' I guess you'll be best off ignoring that one, unless she repeats it, in which case I think I'd dispute it by laughing lightly and saying of course he can be put down and he's no more difficult than most babies at this age.
Good luck tomorrow. Not sure what else there is to say, though. Be careful you don't back-track.
I wouldn't accept the "I didn't realise you wanted them" excuse, by the way. Why would she realise your intentions for things in your own house. She was way out of line, taking your possessions to give away to her friends without your permission.
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