In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

[Fairy1303]

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

She is definitely over stepping the mark in your home but she must have been needed and useful to her DS before you came along so it would be difficult for her to step back I should think.

Your DH should really be the one to sort this out with his mother.

Wow! Offering to help out is one thing, but marching into someone's house and disappearing upstairs to take their laundry is something else entirely!

I wouldn't actually ask her to help out with anything because she'll take that as agreement that you need help, and that her input is even appreciated.

It's hard, but you may have to be blunt "I want to do my family's washing from now on" leaves no possibility for understanding. I know that's not easy though!

My sympathies!

I can't believe she just waltzes into your house to interfere with stuff. It isn't "helping", it's utterly disrespectful of your personal space. Not to mention insulting your ability to parent and run a home.

She needs to be told to let go AND relinquish the bloody key!

can you get the house key back?

I wouldn't play the games with her because she may play them back.

You ask her to mind DS and empty the nappy bin, you come home to find out she's done all that and also tidied up your underwear drawer and painted the bathroom.

Then when you complain she can say "But you asked for my help!"

The best way to deal with her is with honesty, and with your DH's full backing.

It rings alarm bells for me that your DH has used words like "pick the battles" and feels the relationship would otherwise break down.

Can you imagine your relationship with your child breaking down because s/he asked you not to to do their laundry?

Would you want your child to be too afraid to ask you not to do it because otherwise they felt their relationship with you would deteriorate?

Would you want your child to say to their partner "We have to pick our battles with Mum?"

No? Because no normal parent would.

I can appreciate that it must be hard for her to step back if she has been used to helping more. But if it's making it harder for you to live as a family then she has to step back. Otherwise, it's not helping out of goodness, it's forcing herself on you all out of self interest.

But don't join in with the game playing. Speak to your DH about your feelings, don't let him dismiss them and when you are both in agreement with what you will all be happy with, speak to her. It should either come from him or both of you together.

The advice from Pag was good, tell her that you want her to be Grandma now and more than that, her grandchildren need her to be Grandma as well.

And take back the key.

Can you put your key on the inside, so it doesn't work from the outside. I think it is called deadlocking.

^^ That. Until you get a chain installed on inside of door.

We have a chain. She lets herself in when we re not here. When I am here she will try and open the door, frown at me when she notices that the chain is on. Since I have explained to her that I think I need to start managing my own home life, she makes a joke out of it 'you know me, just got to pop upstairs, you don't mind' pushes past.

Anyway, got her over here, to bring swimming costume. Left her with DS to drop of DSD. Asked her to wash up, sterilise bottles and clean bathroom if she 'had a spare minute' as those are things I would find really helpful.

Came back. 'Sorry darling, didnt have time to help you with those bits.' Dsd's room is now spotless, laundry basket suspiciously empty and a bad of her old clothes I had put to one side ready to be given to someone else have dissapeared. Unfortunately I didn't notice until she had left. Have just text dh to say that we need to talk to her about this.

My plan of action is a two pronged approach.
1)invite her to start slimming world with me to encourage a good relationship away from her 'help' around the house

2. sit down with her and dh and explain that whilst we appreciate what she does for us it is too much. Not really sure how to word it but I think we need to be explicit.

I would be LIVID about this. I actually think her having cared for DSD when younger is a red herring. The point now is that she's letting herself into your house uninvited, and poking about in bedrooms and cupboards without your say-so and REMOVING ITEMS FROM YOUR HOUSE UNASKED. That's tantamount to stealing actually.

You have to act more assertively here. You've tried the nicey-nicey approach and she's abused it. If your dh says "who wouldn't want their laundry done," say "I wouldn't, actually."

Oh and phone her back/text and ask for the bag of clothes back. Lie if you must and say you were planning on giving them to a friend. And while you're at it, say you'd really prefer it if she didn't remove things from your house in future.

The only thing i would say is unreasonable, is her letting herself in and the belt. But she seems to want to help you and surely you should be greatful for the help?
I would however take the keys off her and ask if she mind not letting herself in unannounced.

I think your dh caused this, as he required a lot of help previously and she is used to helping, maybe it is hard for her to let go.

Totally agree that this is too much... Yes I can see the nice gesture but it i all to help the dsd.. Understandable but I think you are a new family unit now with new baby, the dynamics have changed. I think it is her son who needs to deal with it. I would get the key back. Honestly I would. I know there might e a fallout.. But I think she knows full well that she is overstepping the mark. How many more hints can you give. I had to do this with my own mother. You have to be able to relax in your own home.i would hate this situation.

Wanting to help someone who doesn't want that particular help is... not helpful. Someone who does not live in a house letting themselves in when not asked to do so is...overbearing.

I'm really surprised at some of the reactions on this thread.

"Coming from a good place" "Kind hearted" - it's neither of these things if the recipient of all these good intentions is feeling overwhelmed by them - and if the good intentions are making the recipient feel worse, not better. If you want to help - and you are a kind hearted person - you find out what help is genuinely needed: you don't decide for yourself what needs to be done and do it regardless of what someone else says!

Your DH should be able to explain this to her - and, to be honest, she should be able to understand it - it's not hard! I doubt very much whether she would like it if someone else took over her home in this way.

I agree with Clam. Phone her and ask her where the bag of clothes are- you had promised them to a friend so you need them back. Then just be firm and say you would appreciate it if she did not take things from your DD's room- not washing, not swimming costumes, not old clothes. Be firm. This is your opportunity now, I would take it!

Don't give her jobs: you're giving her a mixed message that you do need/want her help in your house. And then she's going to carry on doing other things, and furthermore she is going to think that's a good and helpful thing.

You're certainly not unreasonable to think she's overstepping the mark - she is, and it must be horribly annoying.

Just once, a genuinely stroppy 'I can do my own washing, THANK YOU' will probably stop her. Yes she might think you're an arsey cow, but if you want her to stop you mustn't play games with her - it is obviously not helping at all.

And say that you'd feel happier if she didn't use her key while you're not there unless there's a plan for her to do so that you're aware of.

This really really needs nipping in the bud.

Sounds like a good plan Fairy.

Take the key off her!
She is soooooo overstepping the mark!

I feel very stabby reading this.
You REALLY need to nip this in the bud now. Shes completely disregarding your feelings and role.

I feel very cross for you (and i have a fairly interfering MIL myself)

definitely text or call her and get her to return the clothes. all of the clothes. and say very bluntly that what she is doing is not helping.

then sit your dh down and explain it to him and tell him to exp,ain it to her. also you may want to explain that the disparity between how she is treating your dsd and your ds is just not on, she only seems willing to do what she wants for DSD and that is not fair.

then change the locks.

can you leave your house via a back door so you can leave the chain on the front whilst you're out? if so, do that.

Phone her up and ask if she has seen the bag of clothes that you had put aside for your friend. If she says she has it, ask her to bring it back to today as you had already arranged for your friend to collect them today (even if that isn't 100% true). Maybe if she has to keep travelling back & forth returning your stuff she will stop taking it in the first place.

Your DH needs to talk with her. I really wouldn't be inviting her along to slimming world or elsewhere for the time bring until things get on a better footing.

You also need to get your key back - how you manage that is another matter.

Tell her to fuck off. Time for being polite is past. She knows what she is doing so time to stop her in her tracks. Get the locks changed and do not permit her to go anywhee other than your kitchen.

I expect she's taken the clothes today as she knows you'll phone her about them, and she'll have an excuse to come back to your house.

Your idea of sitting down with her is good. You need to just tell her that whilst you love having her around as a grandma, she is not to go upstairs anymore to DSDs room, she isn't to take any clothes and she isn't to let herself in.

If you aren't very explicit I expect she'll just carry on.

Just had a thought that maybe the old clothes were ones that she had originally bought for dsd. Even so, she is still out of order taking them away without permission.

I also agree with everyone who has said call her and ask or the clothes back TODAY.

She will never learn unless you make her.