In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

[Fairy1303]

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

She's not listening is she? I think its time your dh spoke to her and told her to stop

[Sawdust]

Uncomfortable as it may be, you are going to have to be brutally honest with her. She is being far ruder than you will be by telling her not to help herself to your laundry.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

My MIL is a bit like this OP.....at first, when DD1 was tiny I HATED it but now I've accepted it......I imagine it's my Mum saying or doing the things...and then they magically don't bother me.

My own Mum would clean my oven while I was out...MIL is the same...I just let the buggers get on with it!

Today MIL said "Oh I will give your bathroom a good clean when the DC go back to school."



That's SEVEN days away...does she really think I won't do it between then and now? I just said "I might get to it myself before then MIL I do it thoroughly once a week...but whatever floats your boat!"

[daftdame]

I agree with the other posters. What if she took an item away (to wash) that DSD needed next day for school or which she had borrowed off a friend? Change the locks, I wouldn't trust her to give a key back because
she might get another cut. No further discussion is then needed.

You can continue to see her, but treat her as a guest in your house, you arrange to meet at a mutually convenient time and she does not randomly take things from your house. Follow her around and keep talking to her if need be. Even if you have to make an excuse to go upstairs with her, for example, 'Oh I wanted to show you such and such'. Do this until you feel more comfortable she will not overstep the boundaries.

[DorisIsWaiting]

Get the clothes back today (she has to be put out and inconvienced.

You are far far far nicer than I would be!

The key needs to be returned and she needs to understand why.

[EldritchCleavage]

Change locks. That way, even if she decides not to listen to you you've stopped her.

Sit-down chat with MIL, you and DH. You will both have to be very clear, blunt even. It cannot happen any more.

She will end up disrupting the family unit as she mothers DD (or tries to) and leaves DS to you. That would be very bad for both children. Plus it's bloody annoying.

I do sympathise. I had a surprisingly long battle to get my mother to observe proper boundaries in my house (coming to stay whenever and for as long as it suited without asking me, rearranging things in my kitchen, changing the central heating settings, answering the phone for me even though I was right there). A lot of arguably small things but it drove me potty. Fortunately, as it was my own mother I was less inhibited about reading the riot act. It's fine now.

[FixItUpChappie]

I wouldn't just start bolting the door- talk about it. The whole situation has arisen because no one will bring it out into the open and discuss. You don't have to discuss it in a hostile manner.

^^This. It will be uncomfortable but its best to air it out now OP or it will just carry on this way and get worse. Be respectful, acknowledge her support and good intentions - then be clear about what you need.

[SoWorriedPleaseHelp]

I gather that the house you are in was your DH. She has never accepted that it is a joint home now.

[FriskyHenderson]

What sort of lock do you have on the door? You can change the barrel of a Yale lock very easily.

She needs to start accepting that she is a guest in your home; and that your belongings are yours

It's going to be hard and I bet it's the last thing you want to do but you have to pull her up every time. She doesn't get to go upstairs, she doesn't get to let herself in, she doesn't get to steal your washing.

[Fairy1303]

I've just asked her to bring them back. I also asked why she took them. I'm awaiting response.

Daftedame- she literally has an itemised list of all dsd's clothes in her head, knows who bought them, whether they fit etc and where they are at ALL times. She has been known to ask me where an item is eg 'what's happened to the pink m&s skirt?' Or, 'I see your mother has bought her ANOTHER new outfit'...

She has, in the past taken uniform home, leaving me with one spare which got ink on it. She got bollocked them but did she learn her lesson? Did she fuck

[FixItUpChappie]

Also I think asking her to do extra things is very mixed messaging and not helpful

[Fairy1303]

So worried - nope, it the home we own together. When we were living in his flat she did the same although I hoped it would stop once we bought the house.

[Sawdust]

Good start - now tell her that you don't want her to take them!

[Fairy1303]

Fixitup- I was trying to gently redirect her efforts as I understand why she is so desperate o be needed and to help.

It is one of many tactics I have employed (incl asking her nicely), none of which have worked.

Agree it's time for dh to read the riot act.

[daftdame]

She doesn't actually sound very well...the clothing stuff is obsessive.

Changing the locks is the first necessary step. As for your relationship with her you will need to be understanding but firm, just do not give her the opportunity to take stuff.

[catinabox]

Oh dear. All her obsessive focus seems to be on DSD doesn't it?

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing re slimming world and sitting down to have a chat with her. She is really struggling to let go and adapt to her change in role isn't she?

It would also be really nice if she is going to give you some help that it is shared between both children, not just DSD.

I hope you get it sorted out soon. You sound very tolerant and lovely, i think i would be blowing a few fuses!

[asmallandnoisymonkey]

I'm getting quite excited about this. I know it's sad but I really like seeing how these turn out (hopefully well!).

I must say that you're awfully patient with her. If it was my mother in law we'd have had some sort of fisticuffs as she tried to push past me.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

Yes, she's overstepping. How annoying for you.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Do you ever visit her house? Why not randomly start bringing clothes/belongings of hers home, wander around upstairs after all 'you don't mind dearie, do you?' to see what she says about it.

[Cerisier]

DH needs to speak to her about her behaviour. He needs to make it very clear what is and is not acceptable. If she subsequently oversteps the mark then change the locks and do not give her a spare ever (she will copy it).

You should be able to have privacy in your own home and things should not be removed/washed/cleaned without your express permission. I can't believe she took the swimming costume and the bag of clothes. Unbelievable.

I think your MIL is behaving appallingly.

[pigsDOfly]

Obviously it must be difficult for MIL to let go of the mothering role in her GD life but what has that got to do with her feeling she can walk into the home of another woman and just walk upstairs and behave as she likes. How bloody rude.

I'm sure no one is stopping her seeing her GD and spending time with her.

I would change the locks. Tell her that you lost your key and had to have the locks changed and make sure she doesn't get a copy.

She is massively overstepping the line of good manners and needs to be told. I don't see this as being helpful. Helpful is asking if there is anything she can do. Helpful, when you've got a new baby, is bringing round a casserole and going away again. Helpful is not coming into your house uninvited and acting as if she owns the place.

[SarahAndFuck]

This is why I thought giving her jobs was a bad idea.

She's just ignored you completely and done as she pleased, but when you speak to her about it she will say "but you asked me to help."

I don't get on with my PILs and haven't visited them or had them visit us for almost three years now. It's a very long story.

While I was still speaking to them I went to stay at their house. DH was working in the area, BIL and SIL lived near-by. One evening FIL was upstairs on his computer and we were with MIL in the living room watching a film and she burst into tears. Big fuss from DH to find out why.

She started off with "I'm sorry about your Dad but we are just so upset. Both of us, we've been upset all week, that's why he's staying out of the way."

It turned out that four days earlier SIL had asked them not to let themselves into her house to do the ironing because they were repeatedly ruining the children's clothes with a too hot iron.

And (MIL didn't tell us this bit but SIL did later) they were also taking baths and showers, eating the food she had in the fridge that she planned to make the evening meal with, using her phone and generally acting like they owned the place.

SIL was coming home from work with four children she'd just picked up from school and childminder and finding they had no food, no hot water, ruined clothes and nowhere to sit because FIL was laid on the sofa and MIL was in the armchair watching some true life drama nonsense on the Hallmark channel. And then they were expecting to stay for something to eat (even though they had already eaten it).

MIL wanted my DH to talk to his brother about the way SIL had treated them because they were offended and upset. I told him not to get involved.

BIL eventually had to have a talk to PILs about the way they were treating SIL and set some boundaries for PILs. PILs responded by moving 250 miles away to live in the next street to us. We immediately put our house on the market and BIL and SIL emigrated not long after.

Those are extreme but necessary measures (and I'm still thinking emigrating might not be a bad idea). My point is, I've had my battles with someone who uses "I'm only trying to help" as a way to do exactly what they please whenever they feel like doing it, regardless of what the person they are 'helping' has to say about it.

Tread carefully. This story and the hundreds of others just like it that I could tell you about my PILs is why I said don't try to play her at her own game. A united front and total honesty is the only thing that will stop your MIL if her mind is set on continuing as she is.

[SoWorriedPleaseHelp]

As this is yours and your Dh joint home then she needs to be reminded of that fact.

She probably doesn't realise how unacceptable her behaviour is as she has just carried on as if you were still in the flat.

[SoWorriedPleaseHelp]

As this is yours and your Dh joint home then she needs to be reminded of that fact.

She probably doesn't realise how unacceptable her behaviour is as she has just carried on as if you were still in the flat.