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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask her not to get married?

86 replies

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 21:47

My Dad passed away suddenly, less than 5 years ago (can't be anymore specific than than incase someone realises it's me!). Mum has been dating the same man for about a year. I'm in my mid-twenties and my sister is still in her mid-teens. She has not taken the relationship well at all, but I have been supportive although inside I've had reservations and it's hurt a bit to see my Mum with someone else.

I asked her a few months ago if she would ever marry him and she said no, but if she did it would be none of my business. We're normally a very tight-knit family, so this hurt me. I asked her to tell me the truth, but she still insisted she had no intention of marrying him. I told her that though I fully support her relationship, I couldn't handle the thought of her marrying him. I don't know why, I can't put it into certain words, but it would hurt so badly. Both me and my sister miss my Dad so much and it's still very much a raw subject for us. Mum is so different with this guy.

He's recently bought her a diamond ring which she initially wore on her engagement finger. She just came round one day wearing it like it was nothing - no prior conversation, and didn't bring it up until I pointed it out. I got quite upset, and eventually she started wearing it on her middle finger, saying that it wasn't an engagement ring. I told her I didn't think I could go to a wedding, if she had one and that I was worried our relationship was fraying a little. She said that if I felt that way, it was my choice and she can't live her life to make us happy. I've seen pictures of her wearing it on her engagement finger at his family's functions and I just feel so, so upset and lied to as I feel like she's telling me and my sister one thing and saying something different to everyone else. My younger sister is devastated and I just feel like my family as I knew it is falling apart. My DH is wonderful, but there's only so much support people can give when the actual problem isn't getting resolved.

I don't think I could go to this wedding, if it happens (which it blatantly will). I've never been selfish like this before, I've been supporting Mum in every way possible since Dad died, and I want her to be happy, but the thought of her marrying this guy is breaking my heart. I feel like the Mum I knew is gone. Mum has always been so wonderful but this is just so upsetting. It feels like the repercussions of Dad dying didn't stop at his death iyswim.

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't know anymore. Thank you.

OP posts:

cardibach · 27/08/2013 21:51

I think YABU, although I can understand why. In your mind, your mum and dad are inextricably linked, and the thought that she can move on after his death must be difficult. However, I assume it is more than 4 years since your dad died (as you would have said less than 4 if not) and I think you have to accept that your mum is allowed to have a life now. It is not a rushed thing. I can understand that you wish she would be honest with you, but I think she is hiding the truth because of your reaction, as she does not want to hurt you.
Try to be more open minded about this relationship or it will affect your relationship with your mum.

CharityFunDay · 27/08/2013 21:51

If this is just about her marriage to your late father, then, sorry, but YABU.

If you have some good reason to think she's making a terrible mistake then YABslightlylessU, but that's not what it sounds like.

Five years is a decent grace period IMHO. She's been alone all that time. Things move on, and in this case I think you have to accept that things will move on at your mum's speed, and no-one else's. Let her try to find some happiness again.

TylerHopkins · 27/08/2013 21:52

Your mum will always love your dad no matter who else she meets in her life. She has a different relationship with this man, a different love to what she had for your dad. I understand why you might feel the way you do but she has a life to lead too.

Have you spent much time with her new partner?

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 21:52

cardibach bugger it - it was three years ago that Dad passed.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 27/08/2013 21:53

Sorry OP, as terribly sorry as I am for the loss of your Father, I don't think that extends to a right to dictate how your Mum can be happy. She was a wonderful Mum by the sound of if, and raised 2 lovely daughters. She deserves to be happy again.

mynewpassion · 27/08/2013 21:53

Yea you are unreasonable to ask her to not marry her partner. Yanbu to feel sad about it all because it brings back the loss of your father.

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 21:54

Thank you for the replies. I want to be supportive, but I just end up crying every time I think of her marrying someone else. It is just so painful. Three years hasn't felt like a long time.

OP posts:

pumpingprincess · 27/08/2013 21:54

The logical answer is that after 5 years your mum is quite rightly moving on. She deserves to be happy and really it's great that she has found someone to love and who loves her back.

However, I probably would feel the same. As if her moving on was a disservice to your father. Really it's not. Her new relationship is not a reflection on her relationship with your father.

I really think you could do with seeing a bereavement councillor to help you think through your feelings.

RandomMess · 27/08/2013 21:55

Your Mum is ready to move on. Perhaps it would help if you, your mum and your sister could actually just talk about how much you are still missing him, how much it still hurts etc. It seems as though you're all creeping around in your grief instead of sharing it?

Turniptwirl · 27/08/2013 21:56

Yabu

Your mother is right, she can't live her life to please her adult (or nearly so) children. If you're supportive of her relationship in general I really don't understand why you object so strongly to them getting married? Your attitude is what is pushing you apart.

My parents are divorced which I know is totally different, but I think they are both hugely better off with their new partners and I'm happy for them. Is there a chance you're upset that your mum is happier with this new man than she was with your dad?

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 21:56

Tyler I have spent time with him... He's okay, not my kind of guy but I'm not the one in love with him! It's not that that bothers me, although her friends have commented that he is possessive and that she's changed since being with him... Still that's not what is bothering me. I just feel so uncomfortable with it. And I do feel shitty for feeling this way. I love my Mum, I just hate this situation.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 27/08/2013 21:56

I wonder. Would your dad have liked your mum to be happy?

It's a compliment to your parents' relationship that your mum wants to enjoy being with someone again. Please try to rebuild things with your mum or you risk losing her too.

pumpingprincess · 27/08/2013 21:56

sorry, just saw it's 3 years. Still a reasonable amount of time.

Sorry for your loss.

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2013 21:57

YABVVU sorry.

Your Mum has a right to be happy.

As for her 'lying' to you about it, I think you sort of boxed her into a corner tbh.

nokidshere · 27/08/2013 21:57

YABVU you can't deny your mum happiness on your day so that would be totally selfish of you.

And she is right, it's none of your business really but she probably wouldn't have said that if you hadn't put her into that position.

It's ok to not want your family dynamics to change, to miss your dad, or to want to keep your mum to yourself and to feel a touch of sadness about the situation. But it's not ok for you to tell your mum that.

EldonAve · 27/08/2013 21:58

"I have been supportive"
"I told her I didn't think I could go to a wedding, if she had one"

How is I can't go to your wedding supportive?

Is this guy awful? Does he treat your mother badly?

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 21:59

I don't feel like I boxed her into a corner - we have always had a really healthy, open and honest relationship.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2013 22:00

Can I ask, do you think your Mum should remain single for the rest of her life?

youmeatsix · 27/08/2013 22:00

my dad died many years ago (when i was a young adult) i was a daddy's girl through and through, but i wish my mum would meet someone to share her life with, she was mid 40s when he died, 20 years on she is still alone, her choice, i support her choice 100%, but still think its a bit sad she is all alone. Your dad would wish your mother was happy, you and your sister will have your own lives, she needs hers too

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 22:01

Eldon I said that I have been supportive to a point, and that I haven't been demanding in saying I wouldn't want to go... I'm not a bratty daughter. It's not like that. The point that I reach where I struggle with it is the idea of her getting married again. I'm not saying I am being reasonable, I just wanted other POVs because I'm just so confused.

OP posts:

sittinginthesun · 27/08/2013 22:01

My dad died 4 years ago. My mum is only just coming out of the terribly dark grief, and I am just pleased that she is smiling again.

I am also very much grieving, although it doesn't feel raw now.

I know the correct position to take is that you should be pleased for your mum, and that she is of course right to move forward, but I know I would feel pretty rubbish in your position.

And I'm in my 40's - if I was in my 20's I would find it far harder still.

Original poster

LittleMissMedium · 27/08/2013 22:01

Amber no, not at all. I have made it clear in my OP that I want my Mom to be happy. I don't want this to turn into a flaming, I'm just trying to see it from outside of my own head.

OP posts:

fedupandtired · 27/08/2013 22:02

I think you're being unreasonable. As much as it hurts life has to move on when someone dies. If she's got a chance to be happy again then you should be happy for her. Your mum will never stop missing your dad but surely you don't want her to be alone forever.

I'm in a similar position only it was my mum who died and much more recently. My dads dating again and is probably selling the family home. I'm actually happy for him. He misses my mum terribly but the very last thing I want is for him to mourn her forever. She'll never be replaced but as much as it hurts me to say it, she's gone and hopefully he's still got a long life ahead of him, just like your mum.

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2013 22:02

I don't feel like I boxed her into a corner

But you pressed her on it and then said you couldn't handle the thought of her marrying him.

That sounds like you made it very difficult for her to be honest with you when she knew her honesty would hurt you.

Gingerstrumpet · 27/08/2013 22:02

I can understand your being hurt, but your Mum didn't pass when your Dad did.

She still has a lot of life left to live, hopefully, and to expect her to do that alone to spare your feelings is quite selfish.

You have the love and support of a DH, something which your mum's happy marriage to your dad probably means she misses all the more.

Go to her wedding, throw confetti, smile then go home and cry for your dad.

But please don't condemn her to making a choice between living alone and having a good relationship with her children. That's not fair.

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