To ask her not to get married?

[LittleMissMedium]

My Dad passed away suddenly, less than 5 years ago (can't be anymore specific than than incase someone realises it's me!). Mum has been dating the same man for about a year. I'm in my mid-twenties and my sister is still in her mid-teens. She has not taken the relationship well at all, but I have been supportive although inside I've had reservations and it's hurt a bit to see my Mum with someone else.

I asked her a few months ago if she would ever marry him and she said no, but if she did it would be none of my business. We're normally a very tight-knit family, so this hurt me. I asked her to tell me the truth, but she still insisted she had no intention of marrying him. I told her that though I fully support her relationship, I couldn't handle the thought of her marrying him. I don't know why, I can't put it into certain words, but it would hurt so badly. Both me and my sister miss my Dad so much and it's still very much a raw subject for us. Mum is so different with this guy.

He's recently bought her a diamond ring which she initially wore on her engagement finger. She just came round one day wearing it like it was nothing - no prior conversation, and didn't bring it up until I pointed it out. I got quite upset, and eventually she started wearing it on her middle finger, saying that it wasn't an engagement ring. I told her I didn't think I could go to a wedding, if she had one and that I was worried our relationship was fraying a little. She said that if I felt that way, it was my choice and she can't live her life to make us happy. I've seen pictures of her wearing it on her engagement finger at his family's functions and I just feel so, so upset and lied to as I feel like she's telling me and my sister one thing and saying something different to everyone else. My younger sister is devastated and I just feel like my family as I knew it is falling apart. My DH is wonderful, but there's only so much support people can give when the actual problem isn't getting resolved.

I don't think I could go to this wedding, if it happens (which it blatantly will). I've never been selfish like this before, I've been supporting Mum in every way possible since Dad died, and I want her to be happy, but the thought of her marrying this guy is breaking my heart. I feel like the Mum I knew is gone. Mum has always been so wonderful but this is just so upsetting. It feels like the repercussions of Dad dying didn't stop at his death iyswim.

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't know anymore. Thank you.

Is there something about him? I mean genuinely something about him, not just the fact that he isn't your father?

I think it is very understandable that you are unhappy and upset and I think your younger sister (presumably she lives with your mother) must be hurting too. Try to help her and share with her.

I think you will have to let it go. You don't want to lose your mother over a man. Probably she is secretive because she knows you don't want her to see him.

Think about your DH. You love him, you love being married. Your mother wants the same. In a way, it's a compliment to your father because it means that your mother knows how important a good marriage can be.

You feel what you feel. But maybe it's not a good idea to show your mum what you feel.

I am sorry for your loss. Based on the facts and timeline I think you are being, understandably, unreasonable. Based on the underlying sub tones of your posts it sounds as though a little voice is saying beware of this man for relatively unquantifiable reasons.

Your mum my be making a mistake. But, OP, it is always easieer to see a mistake and admit a mistake and escape the mistake when you know you have the unswerving love and suppost of those to whom you are closest. "I told you so" does not support.

Just be there for your mum and your sister and be ready to accept if you are wrong and to forgive if you are right.

Good luck

Hi LittleMiss - I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad but I'm afraid I also think it's not fair of you to ask your mum not to remarry. Even if the guy isn't that nice, your mum is a grownup. She is a real person in her own right with thoughts and feelings and needs which are likely to be far more deep and complex than you know, as most of us as mothers don't share all our feelings with our children to protect them. Therefore most of us see our mothers in a relatively narrow role, as mothers only, rather than wholey rounded people with other aspects to their lives.

She has the right to make her own choices. You can't choose for her and she has every right to choose a different path than the one you want for her. She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life without a partner as a widow, and it's really not been a particularly short time, many people remarry a year or less after the death of their partner. Marriage vows are very specifically about committing to someone "until death parts us" - it is unreasonable to expect her to extend the commitment longer than that. She is still alive and has many years of vibrant life ahead of her.

You need to let her know that you love her, and want her to be happy. If you have real concerns about this guy it's OK to let her know that you are a bit worried about whether he will actually make her happy, but respect her right to choose and just want to let her know that you will always be there to support her with whatever she needs, whatever the future may bring. Then you step back and let her get on with it - and if this marriage is the right thing to make her happy then you just need to be happy for her.

My father remarried to a woman I was never particularly keen on - she was nothing like my mum. I was in my thirties at the time and I was really upset.
I never said a word to him - he would have been angry for a start (and rightly so).
They were together for about 15 years until he died. And I still didn't like her.

But - she made him happy. She looked after him. She stopped him from being lonely. And they cared for each other.

So I'm sorry, you are being VVU. You really want her to be alone for the rest of her life?
Why?

I married dh 18 months after the death of dh1. My dc were 17 and 13 and his were 15, 16 and 18. We were friends for years and the dc knew us. Marrying again means you trust the institution of marriage enough to do it again. We told the five dc that if any of them was unhappy we would wait until the youngest left home. Their response was wonderful, "Go for it, we want you to be happy." They all clubbed together to buy us a weekend away as a honeymoon.
As my mum said, "You're a long time lonely once you are widowed."
You are letting your mum down badly if you oppose this wedding. It will be you not her who destroys the family. If you have serious reservations about the man and think he might harm your mum that is different-otherwise you are being very very selfish and unreasonable. Who will be your mum's companion when your sister leaves? Who will bring her a cuppa in bed and hold her hand on a walk? Who will sit on the sofa and share a film and a chocolate bar?

some research shows that the longer and happier a marriage the more likely a second marriage is to be successful and take place sooner, the very positive experience of marriage is in itself an encouragement to do the same again

so your mother wishing to marry again is in many ways a positive reflection on your dad and your parents marriage, I think 3 years is long enough for your mother maybe not for you but she is not rushing into things

my father is much older than my mother though still alive, I would not expect my mother to remain single though I would hope it was a decent man, she would definitely marry ir remain single as she would never ever live with someone without marriage

Like nfk, I want to know: do you actively dislike this man? Or just object to him because he's not your dad?

I have had a very similar experience, with my dad taking up with another woman not long after my mum died (and then when they split up, several other women). I never felt happy about any of them, because none of them could hold a candle to my mum!

Oddly, my dad's mum died when he was very young and I remember him saying once that when his own father, many years later, took up with another woman, my dad and all his siblings hated her. So I think it's a very very common feeling.

I know it's hugely painful for you. But unless there is something terrible about this man, I think you should try and do your best to accept the situation for your mum's sake. She is still very young.

As many posts have now said, your grief at your dad's death is very understandable, but you can't tell your mum how to live. Imagine her doing the same to you - if she had said to you 'I don't want you to get married, I can't handle it'.

What you said about moving back from university makes me think that you are now feeling particularly hurt because you feel like you put your life on hold/modified it for your mum, and now you feel she should be doing the same for you and isn't. Again, that's very understandable, but I really would consider finding a counsellor to talk all this through with to help you with the pain and upset.

I would swallow your pride, go back to your mum and say you're sorry you got upset, and no-one will ever replace your dad, but you do respect her wishes and want her to be happy and of course you will be at the wedding when it happens. While this will be very hard, it will be much better down the line to have supported your mum in this - that way, if anything does ever go wrong with this man, she will feel she can lean on you and that you will support her, rather than thinking she has to keep it to herself because you will be saying 'I told you so...'

When he said made those very strange criticisms of your mum to you, did you talk to her about it? Did you tell her how unacceptably you thought he behaved when he made a scene for no reason at the family event? What did your mum say?

My father died when I was in my early twenties (so younger than you) and my mother met and moved in with a man within two years. I didn't feel this was an indecent period of time at all and I would have been much happier if the relationship had lasted instead of ending, as it would have meant that when she was diagnosed and initially treated for the cancer which ended her life while I was living abroad, she would have had someone with her.

Please think about your mother and not yourself. This is really unhealthy on your part and you need to be able to move on, as does your sister. I really think you need some kind of bereavement counselling.

YABU about not wanting your mother to marry.

You may NBU about not wanting her to marry this particular man.
If you are concerned, perhaps you should try to observe him with a dispassionate eye and maybe talk to her friends and other family.

If he's showing signs of being controlling or possessive, they could well be red flags.

Exactly how different is she with this man?
And what did he say about her?