To ask her not to get married?

[LittleMissMedium]

My Dad passed away suddenly, less than 5 years ago (can't be anymore specific than than incase someone realises it's me!). Mum has been dating the same man for about a year. I'm in my mid-twenties and my sister is still in her mid-teens. She has not taken the relationship well at all, but I have been supportive although inside I've had reservations and it's hurt a bit to see my Mum with someone else.

I asked her a few months ago if she would ever marry him and she said no, but if she did it would be none of my business. We're normally a very tight-knit family, so this hurt me. I asked her to tell me the truth, but she still insisted she had no intention of marrying him. I told her that though I fully support her relationship, I couldn't handle the thought of her marrying him. I don't know why, I can't put it into certain words, but it would hurt so badly. Both me and my sister miss my Dad so much and it's still very much a raw subject for us. Mum is so different with this guy.

He's recently bought her a diamond ring which she initially wore on her engagement finger. She just came round one day wearing it like it was nothing - no prior conversation, and didn't bring it up until I pointed it out. I got quite upset, and eventually she started wearing it on her middle finger, saying that it wasn't an engagement ring. I told her I didn't think I could go to a wedding, if she had one and that I was worried our relationship was fraying a little. She said that if I felt that way, it was my choice and she can't live her life to make us happy. I've seen pictures of her wearing it on her engagement finger at his family's functions and I just feel so, so upset and lied to as I feel like she's telling me and my sister one thing and saying something different to everyone else. My younger sister is devastated and I just feel like my family as I knew it is falling apart. My DH is wonderful, but there's only so much support people can give when the actual problem isn't getting resolved.

I don't think I could go to this wedding, if it happens (which it blatantly will). I've never been selfish like this before, I've been supporting Mum in every way possible since Dad died, and I want her to be happy, but the thought of her marrying this guy is breaking my heart. I feel like the Mum I knew is gone. Mum has always been so wonderful but this is just so upsetting. It feels like the repercussions of Dad dying didn't stop at his death iyswim.

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't know anymore. Thank you.

I can empathise with you - my Mum died suddenly about 30 years ago, and Dad came close to getting remarried a couple of times. Despite knowing, and telling myself, that he had a right to his own happiness after Mum had gone, it still felt so wrong to me, and yes, it hurt. I liked one of his new partners (we will draw a veil over the other one!), but even so it was like a betrayal of Mum, although I knew that was illogical. I'm not sure I could have gone to Dad's wedding if he'd actually had one - although I judge myself for feeling that way, and know it's not the way I should feel. I want Dad to be happy, but seeing him in a relationship with someone who isn't my Mum just makes Mum's death more painful - dunno how to explain, really. I think your feelings are perfectly normal - and if I were you, I'd go to the wedding and probably drink too much and have a good time if you possibly can. It's OK to be upset, too, just save that for times when you're not with your Dad.

Ack, change 'mum' for 'dad' where appropriate :) Was projecting a bit too much!

My dp is 54. He moved in only 6 months ago. I can't imagine him not having anyone to spend the rest of his life with, he's a young man in my eyes.

You get one life, and sadly your mum is all too aware of how short it can be.

Let her be happy.

My dad died when I was 24, my mum was early 50's. She's never looked at another man in 20 years since then. Me and my sister both wish she had met someone. She's lonely although she'd never admit it. We all adored my dad, but he's been gone a long time. Wish your mum happiness with her partner, if you can.

Without meaning to patronise you and genuinely I mean that, it is not until you lose a life partner that you can understand what a massive gaping hole it leaves in a person's life. It creates a void that people try to deal with as best they can. Some cope with grief by filling their life with lots of "busy" activities in an attempt to deal with it. Others, of which your mum is one, find themselves in the happy circumstance of finding love again with a person who I am sure loves her very much.

If only you could be happy for her, support her and tell how wonderful it is that she can rebuild her life and not be lonely. One thing to highlight, she isnt replacing your father, her partner is his own person and isnt standing in your father's shoes, he deserves a chance surely and not be judged harshly. I wonder whether your father would want your mum to stay all on her own for the rest of her days or whether he would want her happiness. Perhaps ask yourself that question.

I am talking from personal experience as someone who lost my DH after 10 years and not a day goes by when I dont miss him and want him back. I have been very lucky to find love again and I know my DH would be magnanimous and be so happy for me because he loved me very much in life and in death. I bet its the same for your mum and dad.

I dont think you are selfish, it is a very painful process and your reaction is natural. I dont believe the mourning process can be timed in terms of taking x weeks or years to get over someone's death. We never stop grieving for those we have loved and lost, we just learn to live with it, that is what make us humans.

Thank you for sharing... I don't know anyone personally who has lost a parent so it does feel difficult to explain sometimes. I don't like how possessive he is about my Mum, he gets quite angry when other men show Mum attention (and created a scene at a family do that was embarrassing) and he's told me some things about her that made me feel a bit weird because I felt like the behaviour he was describing was so irrational and dramatic that I didn't know my Mum. I asked him not to tell me personal stuff because I don't need to know the ins and outs of Mum's relationship, and I respect that she may be completely different to anything I've known of her in this relationship. But I cannot say he is a bad egg iyswim.

I imagine this must also be very difficult for your mum. She must have a lot of conflicting feelings at the moment about the relationship and if you were close it must be hard for her to find she is not able to talk to you about it or even be open with you. I can truly see that this must he hard for you but for everyone's sake I think you need to find a way to put your hurt aside when you are with her or risk seriously damaging your relationship with your mother.

My mum has pretty serious cancer and only has a few years to live at the most. We are lucky to have this time to talk about things and she has said she fully expects my dad to find someone else and possibly remarry. She expects me to support him and though the thought of it is awful I will support him when the time comes because she is right, he would be miserable alone.

I agree you are being a bit unreasonable, but it is an understandable place to be.

Maybe she isn't planning on a wedding, but they both wanted a commitment to each other - neither party wants to feel they are just spending time until someone else comes along. Maybe your mum wanted a ring to show it isn't a rebound/grief relationship, maybe he wanted to tell her what a special person she is.

There isn't plans for a wedding yet, so don't rule out going in the future... you may feel differently, perhaps.

My mum was widowed 4years ago, I would really love her to meet a good man, because even though she comes across has being strong and fine I know she's lonely not that she doesn't see anyone because she'd be the first to admit her house is like a drop in centre for us all, but its not the same as having a partner someone to bicker with over the remote or choose an holiday change the lightbulb.

If he treats your mum well, try and be there for her.

I also don't think anyone can say what they would do in this position, you never really know what you would do until you are in that position.

My nan was widowed in 1966. She died in 1997 and for those 31 years would not entertain the idea of another relationship as she had had the perfect man already. I know she was lonely despite her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

My dad died in 2005 and since then I've watched my mum become a shadow of herself, she is now very ill and her disability has worsened. I am now her carer. I think if she had been able to move on this might not have happened to the extent it has. I miss my dad, of course I do, but my mum is still alive and I'd like her to be able to live that life rather than just existing.

HearMyRoar I am so, so sorry. I hope you and your family are coping as best as you can. Your Mum sounds like a brave lady.

SpikeyTree Sorry about your Mum - I know I would feel the same way given those circumstances.

My mom died very suddenly when I was nineteen. My dad started dating her best friend within two months, and they were married after a year and a half. It was a terrible time for me. My dad is not good at being on his own, and he had decided that I was an adult and didn't need him anymore, so he had every right to focus on his own happiness. Twelve years later, we are both able to acknowledge that neither of us handled the situation well. I cried my way through the wedding ceremony because the grief was still so raw.
But now...well, I miss my mom terribly, but my dad staying single wouldn't have changed that. And now I can live my life knowing that he is happy and can hopefully live the rest of his life with someone he loves. I live rather far from home now, and I don't know if I could have made the decision to move here if I was worried about his emotional well-being, which I almost certainly would have been if he was still alone.
I know how terribly difficult this situation is and you have my sympathy. But I'm sure your mother is a wonderful person and she deserves happiness. Please help her to find it by supporting and loving her unconditionally. In time, as your life progresses, you will feel happy that she was able to progress as well. I long ago regained the wonderful relationship I have with my dad. Although it took time for us to get back to normal, his marriage to my stepmom has not impacted our closeness at all.

Amaxapax Thank you for your post. Your are a much bigger person than me. I don't know how you coped with such a short space of time to adjust. Gives me hope that things can be okay.

I don't think you are being selfish. People grieve in different ways, and three years is not that long in my opinion. I hope it gets easier for you x

Oh, LittleMiss, I was not a big person. I was angry and bratty and resentful. I'm an only child, so I felt completely alone and abandoned. It took me a really long time to deal with the situation, and remember, I now have the benefit of a lot of hindsight. But what was the alternative? If I severed my relationship with my dad because of what I perceived as a betrayal of my mom, I would be no better off. For a while I kept my distance, but eventually I grew to accept the situation. I'm afraid it's all you can do. Just focus on preserving the positive relationship you share with your mom, support your sister through this difficult transition, and hopefully you'll all come out the other side even closer and stronger than before.

Y dad died five years ago, and my mum has been with her new partner for about a year now. I expected to feel like you do, and a lot of my friends think it must be hard for me. Truth is, I can't describe how much it hurt to see her so utterly heartbroken, and so lonely, and not really be able to help, even though I was there every weekend. She has a lovely companion now. He's nothing like my dad, and doesn't in anyway change how she felt, and still feels, about dad. I'm so happy that he's come into her life, he has made it immeasurably easier.

It doesn't sound like you feel the same about the guy your mum is with, maybe this affects how you feel about marriage?

I think the best thing you can do is just focus on your relationship with your mum. She probably feels defensive because she knows you don't feel happy about her relationship. That's bound to make her want to hide it from you.

Maybe she feels some guilt about moving on, and is expressing it badly.

Thanks again for all of the posts, it is appreciated.

I am sorry about the loss if your dad.

You have to allow your mum to get on with her life, 3 years is such a short time however I think it doesn't matter if it is 3 year, 7 years or 10 I suspect your feelings would still be the same.

Did you think if this man wasn't so possestive you may be feeling a bit different

Having lost my father just under 5 years ago I can completely understand your feelings.

Even though others will think yabu, I can't put it into words but I understand why its hard. I don't believe you are unreasonable. You have my love and thoughts xx

LittleMiss

I don't think unreasonable/ reasonable is the right word here.

You are angry and upset at the loss of your dad. Your mum is lonely and has every right to find a new partner and to re-marry, if she wishes to do so.

I think there are two separate issues here, though.

1. Your mum getting re-married.
2. You not liking the guy.

I would spend some time thinking about whether you don't like the guy because you object to him wanting to marry your mum or if there are sensible reasons. Are there grandparents/aunts/ uncles... you could share your concerns with?

My mum was 31 when my dad died (aged 32) and I spent my childhood and teenage years watching her being desperately lonely and ending up with one or two toxic guys.

If your mum is lucky enough to have found a kind, compassionate whom she wants to spend the rest of her life with, because she loves him (this doesn't me that she can still love and miss your dad) you are being extremely U and selfish.

If you have good reasons to object to the guy (possessiveness), there is still not a great deal you can do. She is an adult and is entitled to make her own mistakes. If you do object openly, you risk losing her, so I would be treading very carefully here.

So far, I have been a little harsh on you. It is really difficult to accept a new man in your mums life and you are entitled to be upset about it. It may be a good idea (as has been suggested before) to get counselling; I would also advise an honest and open-minded conversation with your mum. Remember that it IS difficult for her, too.

for you.

I have not been in your position so can't really offer advice.
However, I think you need to work out if the problem is:
A) the timing ie too soon - same person, in a few years would be ok
B) the person ie if it was someone different would now be ok or
C) some other reason.

Once you know what it is that upsets you, you will be able to articulate it properly to your mum and come up with a solution that makes you both happier.

I hope this helps you.

3yrs doesn't seem long to me.

But then if you're never going to get over it, perhaps the length of time doesn't matter?

Are you sure that you don't have misgivings about him, OP?

SecondStar's post is good getting you to think of what the real reason for your upset is. If it turns out to be because you feel it is too soon I do feel you need to recognise that while 3 years may seem very short to you, many many people remarry much earlier than that, not because they are completely over their partner but because they themselves are still very much alive.