To ask her not to get married?

[LittleMissMedium]

My Dad passed away suddenly, less than 5 years ago (can't be anymore specific than than incase someone realises it's me!). Mum has been dating the same man for about a year. I'm in my mid-twenties and my sister is still in her mid-teens. She has not taken the relationship well at all, but I have been supportive although inside I've had reservations and it's hurt a bit to see my Mum with someone else.

I asked her a few months ago if she would ever marry him and she said no, but if she did it would be none of my business. We're normally a very tight-knit family, so this hurt me. I asked her to tell me the truth, but she still insisted she had no intention of marrying him. I told her that though I fully support her relationship, I couldn't handle the thought of her marrying him. I don't know why, I can't put it into certain words, but it would hurt so badly. Both me and my sister miss my Dad so much and it's still very much a raw subject for us. Mum is so different with this guy.

He's recently bought her a diamond ring which she initially wore on her engagement finger. She just came round one day wearing it like it was nothing - no prior conversation, and didn't bring it up until I pointed it out. I got quite upset, and eventually she started wearing it on her middle finger, saying that it wasn't an engagement ring. I told her I didn't think I could go to a wedding, if she had one and that I was worried our relationship was fraying a little. She said that if I felt that way, it was my choice and she can't live her life to make us happy. I've seen pictures of her wearing it on her engagement finger at his family's functions and I just feel so, so upset and lied to as I feel like she's telling me and my sister one thing and saying something different to everyone else. My younger sister is devastated and I just feel like my family as I knew it is falling apart. My DH is wonderful, but there's only so much support people can give when the actual problem isn't getting resolved.

I don't think I could go to this wedding, if it happens (which it blatantly will). I've never been selfish like this before, I've been supporting Mum in every way possible since Dad died, and I want her to be happy, but the thought of her marrying this guy is breaking my heart. I feel like the Mum I knew is gone. Mum has always been so wonderful but this is just so upsetting. It feels like the repercussions of Dad dying didn't stop at his death iyswim.

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't know anymore. Thank you.

Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate it. I do want to be able to support my Mum. I don't want to feel like a shit daughter.

Sorry, a choice between living alone and having a good relationship with her children, and a second chance at a happy marriage.

Yabu.

Of course it is hard. Of course you would prefer your dad to still be here. I'm sure your mum would too. But he's not. She is and she's entitled to be happy. You have to support her.

Fwiw my mum married someone I often don't like or respect. But I make the effort as much as I can for her sake. She's my mum and I love her. That's more important than not approving of the person SHE loves.

I feel awful for saying this, since I can imagine feeling exactly the same way in your position, but YABU.

It has been five years, you and your DSis are well on your way into adult life, and your mother deserves to start moving on and making the most of the time she has left. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to see your mum changing and inviting somebody new into "your dad's place" - you're not just grieving for your father, you're grieving for the family unit that you grew up with. However, your mother almost definitely doesn't see her new partner as a replacement for your father, and I'm sure she'll never expect you to - it's natural for families to grow, and for our capacity for love to grow along with them.

Unless you have serious concerns about this particular guy, which you don't mention, I think you need to try to be happy for her and focus on repairing your relationship. The first step towards that will be accepting her partner; the fact that you don't probably really hurts her (in the same way that it would hurt you if she rejected your DH), and has made her feel that she needs to close you out of a huge part of her life. Could you try inviting them round for a BBQ while the weather is still decent, and relying on the bustle and the DC to alleviate the intensity of it a little?

Condolences for your loss - it must have been terrible for all of you .

You poor thing - this must be so hard for you. 3 years is nothing - of course this is difficult.

Either you and your mum are at very different stages of the bereavement "process" and she's moved on more quickly than you, or she's making a hasty mistake. But it's her mistake to make - you have no choice but to accept that. Remember that losing a father is going to be very different to losing a husband - you won't be feeling the same things at the same time, IYSWIM. And also remember that if your parents had a happy marriage then this new marriage doesn't negate any of that - the years they had together were still good years; they still were what you thought they were. Don't think that the quick moving on in any way belittles what they had - I'm sure it doesn't.

Amber perhaps I did then, though when we had the initial conversation it was of our usual variety where were are honest and open as I said. I have never been menacing or yelled about it, I told her how I felt in a moment of desperation when I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

I don't think you'll get a flaming LittleMiss, but I think it is really clear that while your grief/upset about your dad is understandable, your attitude towards your mums relationship is unreasonable.

I think the replies reflect that.

YABU.

My nan was widowed at 49. She never got re-married or so much as went on a date with another man. My mum is an only child and wouldn't have minded at all.

As it happens, my nan lived 40 very lonely years before she died. She had my mum and her grand children and great grand children in the end, but there was no one to give her a cuddle in the middle of the night, or to share the burden of the bills, or to spend Christmas morning with, or to see the New Year in with. She came on holidays with us and was very much a part of our family, but she was still lonely.

Please don't let this come between you and your mum. Your dad would want your mum to be happy, your mum deserves to be happy.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, I do think they're telling you that you haven't come to terms with losing your Dad - which is not the same as missing him IYSWIM.

Please get some bereavement counselling and perhaps encourage your sister to do the same?

I know this hurts like hell but you are TOTALLY BU.

Five years is a long time to be alone and your mum is still quite a young woman. Your sister's reaction is understandable, but a shame. If I were your mum I would probably wait until your Dsis had gone off to uni or something before getting married, just for an easier transition for everyone, but it's her decision in the end and you and your Dsis need to understand that this is not about you, and it's not about your Dad.

How old is your Mum if you don't mind me asking?

YANBU imo.

3 years is nothing and I would be gutted if this was my family.

When you have dc, you have a responsibility to consider their feelings and not just go about your life as if your children's feelings didn't exist. I don't think responsibility to care for your children, stops when they are 18.

I think that if your sibling is still a teenager and still living at home, then it is wrong to marry again until that child has moved out (if that child isn't fully on board with the idea). It's selfish imo to expect kids (even grown up ones) to get over the loss of a parent and embrace a new relationship within the space of 3 years.

I would not do this to my own dc - no matter how much I wanted to do my own thing, their emotional wellbeing would be my priority. Adult dc shouldn't have to just suck it up because they are adults.

OP how old is your mum?

Recently my mum's partner said "you know, we might only have 10 years together, your mum and me".

My mum is 64. I thought she was being way melodramatic, until I remembered all the friends' parents who have died at 67, or 71, to instance two recently.

Three years may not feel like much to you but if your mum is getting older she may not feel like she has so much time left to be happy. Even if that is wrong, she may feel it.

Also, I mean this in the gentlest way, but you need to separate out your grief at your dad's death from your mother's new relationship.

Ask yourself honestly, if your mum had taken against DH for whatever reason, how would you have reacted if she had said please don't marry that man, I won't come to your wedding if you do?

Because your mum doesn't have a choice between this man and your dad. Your dad is gone, and she only has a choice between this man and being alone, perhaps until she dies, too.

That is a lot to ask of someone. She is lying to you because you are making it hard for her, and she desperately wants this relationship but also doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm sorry, but you need to put your mum and her happiness first now

Thank you. I suppose the counselling would be a good idea. Mum wouldn't really talk about what happened with Dad, and when I say it out loud 3 years just feels like nothing to me. I moved back from university to support her and my sister and her happiness means the world to me, and I am glad she's at the point where she has someone to share things with. I know that wildly contrasts with me not wanting her to get married, and I suppose I know on some level the marriage thing is unreasonable. I just wish I knew how to get over it. It is hard to even think about.

I once read that a keenness to marry after a loss is a sign of the previous marriage being so good the left behind person is looking to recreate that.

Though I do think your mum could have been more pleasant and understanding about how you feel.

Mum is 52. She is very young to be widowed, I know.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry, but as you have to live your life your mum has hers to live too. She didn't give up her personhood when she had children. She exists as more than your mum, more than widow to your dad. Let her take her happiness where she finds it.

What if she said you and your sister were not to move out, not to move away, not to marry because she was a widow now and it would hurt her for you to leave when your dad is gone too soon? Would you give up the chance of marriage a career etc?

If you were concerned that it was not a healthy relationship then that would be different but it would still be her life to live and choices to make.

Counselling is a good idea. Speak to your GP and see if you can get a referral.

A very similar problem in this week's Guardian
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/aug/23/dont-like-mothers-new-boyfriend

Listen to RevoltingPeasant, everything she has said is very true.

My mum died just over a year ago. My father has a 'lady friend'. Honestly my siblings and I are happy for them and we like her. We want to see our father happy and (we hope) he has many decades left (he's in his 60s) and we don't want him to be alone. Life goes on and this new relationship is not a reflection on the happy and loving 40 years he had with my mum. We openly talk about my mum in front of her, so does my dad and she talks about her husband (she's a widow). Of course all of us would change history if we could but we can't. So the bottom line is we want him to be happy and that makes for happy children, grand children etc. I am sure your father will always be in her heart, but please try and support her as she knows how much you are hurting.

Marrying someone else doesn't devalue what she had with your dad.

Thanks for the article queenofthepirates

Thank you again for the replies.

My df died when my dm was 53. She stayed single until she died. We encouraged her to go out and try to meet someone new, but she wasn't interested. She said no one could measure up to him. I can understand her point of view, but I always had the impression she was lonely.

I still miss my df every day, and it's over 20 years since he died. I think you have to trust your dm to make decisions which affect her life. Of course you feel hurt, but you need to take a step back and to try to see it from your dm's point of view.

Would your father want to see your mother happy rather than on her own? 5 years is a long time...

If he would; then you will need to accept how things are. One year after getting together may not be long enough for your Mum to make decisions about marriage. She may be genuine when she says that there is no intention at the moment.

Your mother moving on my be necessary for her health and future. It's very brave of her to move forward.

There is no replacement for your Dad. Her experience with him would have been unique and treasured.

But sometimes there is space to love more than one person in your life.

I think bereavement counselling may help you accept these changes. I have empathy for your feelings; it is difficult to see your parent with someone else. Talking about those feelings with someone impartial may help you to decide a way forward both for yourself and supporting your teenage sister.