Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think will I fuck apologies

110 replies

AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 18:42

literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.

I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.

I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.

I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.

Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!

OP posts:
Original poster
AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 18:44

spoken (though I feel like fucking spiking him).

OP posts:
RiotsNotDiets · 27/08/2013 18:45

It sounds like you both need to take a step back. He probably feels really guilty for hurting DD and reacted badly to you panicking because of this.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 27/08/2013 18:46

Probably yes you do. I also tend towards hystrionics...it's a nightmare for others at times. I am like

MortifiedAdams · 27/08/2013 18:46

Yes you do.

She was woth her dad. Has the same cry regardless - if it was serioous, her father was there to deal.with it.

Panzee · 27/08/2013 18:47

I don't know, but you're clearly upset. Don't decide if you need to apologise till you're feeling better. Have a cup of tea and a biccie, or a v small glass of wine. :)

MrsMangoBiscuit · 27/08/2013 18:47

Hmm, tricky. I can understand that you were shocked and worried and I'd be annoyed at DH if he just stood there gawping while DD was hurt. However, it doesn't sound like he actually did anything wrong, but you still shouted at him. In your shoes I'd apologise. But he also needs to accept that his behaviour induces panic. Sounds like you both need better strategies to communicate in these kinds of situations, it's not making either of you very happy. :(

Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 18:49

He's being a plank.
I wouldn't apologise.
Why wasn't he cuddling her? That would make me furious.

meditrina · 27/08/2013 18:49

Ya, you do.

DD's cry was nothing out of the ordinary. But you shout because you didn't get an immediate answer. And then shout some more. And then remove DD from her father.

You cannot assess or deal with an emergency if you are shouting as you describe. You appear to have added only your own tantrum to the whole situation.

Original poster
AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 18:49

I just don't feel that I shouted at him more in his general vicinity (could I get awat with that, hmm)

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/08/2013 18:50

Sounds like you over reacted and he under reacted.

Say sorry and move on.

gamerchick · 27/08/2013 18:51

I would be the same as you.. total exasperation. If my dude just sat watching while my kid choked I would do exactly the same in any future situation.

Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 18:51

I suggest he needs better strategies of communication. He could start by actually speaking!

gamerchick · 27/08/2013 18:52

and no I wouldn't apologise... because it would follow with a but...

RiotsNotDiets · 27/08/2013 18:53

Don't play games in relationships OP, nobody wins.

You both need to say sorry, have a laugh about it and a cuddle and like Mango says, you need to discuss better strategies for this sort of thing when you've both calmed down.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/08/2013 18:55

He was probably too stunned at you running in shouting like a fishwife. Between that and the child's screams he probably couldn't hear himself think, never mind formulate a coherent answer.

Yes you need to apologise.

OTTMummA · 27/08/2013 18:55

I wouldn't apologise, but I would explain why his behaviour makes you react this way as I am th same with my DH.

Drives me fucking mad, just standing there indifferent while one of them is screaming or crying and not answering my simple question so I can sort whatever it is out.

pianodoodle · 27/08/2013 18:56

Why didn't he just tell you what happened? I hate that!

We were on the motorway (I was driving) yesterday and DH let out "Oh Fuck" and started flapping around and it wasn't until the 3rd time I said "what?" (each time getting more panicked) that he said "Oh sorry it was a wasp"

The way he reacted made me think I was about to career into a ditch!

Viviennemary · 27/08/2013 18:59

It sounds as if there are faults on both sides. So just forget about it and move on. He for not acting and you for yelling. But who is perfect!

OTTMummA · 27/08/2013 18:59

Makes you feel like you can't trust him with them though which is exhausting!

Number of times I come home from work and one of them has a bump or something and he has no idea when, how where etc.

Sodding useless sometimes!
Or even better when I ask a simple question politely,, no response and arm again slightly louder and he yells 'I said yes!' -- no you fucking didn't! Why would I ask again if I heard you speak before?? Muppet.

blueemerald · 27/08/2013 19:00

If my partner had, in the past, sat and watched our child choke you're damn right I would shout if he was gaping at our hysterical child. Sometimes shouting is all that will snap someone out of their panic.

OP, I suspect he feels guilty because he knows his behaviour is useless but he can't control it. I wouldn't apologise but try and explain you had no way of knowing if she was having a tantrum, cut herself, been electrocuted etc.....

Original poster
AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 19:00

We've discussed it in the recent past, there have been numerous situations that have brought me to this reaction, which yes does happen fairly often.

He just doesn't react, his instincts when it comes to the kids is fucked. He has watched as our 7 month old has fallen off the bed because he underestimates her movements, he casually strolls out to the garden when dc2 has gotten hurt when playing, mainly it's not been serious, but there has been occasions where she has been hurt, I'm saying to him you have to get out there quickly you havnt seen what's happened.

I don't feel I can trust his responses when it comes to accidents or injuries so I end up over reacting just to get the information of what's happened while he just stands there like a wally.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 27/08/2013 19:01

From your OP, you were shouting before you knew what'd happened, which wasn't OTT if you knew he'd sat there before watching on while your DC3 was choking.

You were trying to work out what was going on, which could have been anything, him standing there saying nothing is weird and definitely needed something to snap him out of it.

YANBU, definitely not, let him strop away.

What does he think you should have done, knowing what you know about how he acts? Just float in not bothered because your DC was shouting the house down (whether she's a drama queen or not, you can react to that after you know how serious it is/is not).

TooMuchRain · 27/08/2013 19:02

Sounds like a major over-reaction unless you really don't trust your OH to look after his child - which seems unusual if you have three chldren together

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2013 19:05

OP's got good reason not to trust his reactions TooMuch, she says why in the OP.

Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 19:08

I wouldn't trust him with my goldfish, let alone a child!

What were his thoughts on his (non)reaction to the choking? Has he addressed his issues at all?