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AIBU?

AIBU to think will I fuck apologies

110 replies

AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 18:42

literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.

I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.

I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.

I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.

Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!

OP posts:
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Lazyjaney · 27/08/2013 19:56

Put yourself in the reverse position, and decide how you would want to be treated OP, as that day will come.

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AnitaManeater · 27/08/2013 19:58

My OH is exactly the same. I react exactly the same as you. Like fuck would I apologise.

Why is ok for him to sit there doing nothing and not responding either?

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Squitten · 27/08/2013 20:03

So, the child was crying/screaming right there beside him and he was just stood there doing absolutely nothing?!

That sounds really disturbing! At what point was he going to attend to the choking baby - when she went purple?!

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AuchAyethenoo · 27/08/2013 20:04

He is fucking me the fuck off just now!

OP posts:
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MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/08/2013 20:06

I wouldn't apologize, I can totally understand people freezing in an emergancy, I remember my nana doing it when I was about 5 and my little sister fell down the stairs.

However all he did was knock her in the face with his elbow its not like she was going to be seriously hurt and it was hardly a reason to freeze!

Id be asking him what the hells wrong with him

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Ledkr · 27/08/2013 20:06

Have to say that my dh is the same and it drives me mad.
I often think its some kind of disorder.
We are potty training dd at the moment.
Can you imagine?

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propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 27/08/2013 20:06

I would not apologise. Unless dh is deaf why the fuck did he ignore your increasingly anxious questioning? Twat.

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meditrina · 27/08/2013 20:09

If OP doesn't trust him with the DC and thinks this leads to excessive risk of harm, then she must not leave him with them.

If that is OTT, then perhaps so are the rest of OP's reactions? Or not? The lack of trust seems to have been around for rather longer than one flashpoint incident now. And it's a biggie - existential for the whole family, really.

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Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 20:12

I think you should give each other a bit of space until you are calm enough to talk it through.
I would be fucking pissed off in your shoes but I don't think a big row will solve anything here.

Some people get riled and angry when they have behaved badly. Could that be why your H is pissing you off? Kind of attack is the best the best form of defence....

The first aid corse sounds like a really positive move Smile

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Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 20:14

Course not corse

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thebody · 27/08/2013 20:17

look I don't mean to he nasty but perhaps your dh thinks you are both a bit dramatic.

you say your dd screams for the least thing and you overreact to a bump in the face.

as I said before your previous experience with your sister must have affected you and makes you expect the worse but really I can't actually see what your dh has some wrong.

your dd is ok. you are all ok. get him some first aid classes, don't allow tour dd to scream at the least thing and maybe you need some counselling to get over your trauma as a child. that must have affected you. it would anyone.

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AllOutOfIdeas · 27/08/2013 20:19

I wouldn't be apologizing. It took you 4 attempts to get a response out of him to tell you what had happened.

He had 2 chances to let you know what had happened before you even went to check what was wrong.

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BeaWheesht · 27/08/2013 20:21

Dh is a bit like this, if the kids are ill / hurt he just assumes they'll be ok. Dd is 2 and if she starts crying a hurt cry I obviously go to her but Dh just carries on regardless. It stresses me out massively because 100% of responsibility is on me and I feel terrible saying this but I feel vvvv nervous if I have to leave them with him for any length of time (eg a weekend, not a few hours) because he just a) doesn't perceive danger and predict disaster b) is extremely unobswrvant and c) has no sense of urgency.

Yanbu

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AllOutOfIdeas · 27/08/2013 20:23

Actually, thinking about it, is he annoyed with himself and projecting on to you?


He can yell at you for shouting at him but really he is mad at himself for freezing?

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thebody · 27/08/2013 20:24

you can play mind games and both of you stomp and wait for apologies or you can act like adults and talk.

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AgentZigzag · 27/08/2013 20:31

Don't you make any kind of move towards a child screaming their head off thebody?

Even when you've clunked their head with your elbow and hurt them?

I would go to a child I didn't know and do something, and give some sort of answer to anyone asking what had gone on.

Agree with Squitten, disturbing is exactly the right word for saying and doing nothing (and I'm not given to talk overly much, and I'm definitely not a drama queen, but DD1 is the biggest drama queen this side of Texas, all on her own with no influence from me or DH).

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Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 27/08/2013 20:35

And still the OP is expected to fix this for him, then? 'Get him some first aid classes': is he incapable of picking up the phone himself, then? So many responses here are thoroughly infantilising this man and picking on the OP for all the flaws in her response. 'Instead of 'why have you had three children with him if you don't trust him?' how about 'how can this man have fathered three children, yet still not know how to deal with an accidental bump to one of them appropriately?' Hmm

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Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 27/08/2013 20:36

thebody so everyone else around this bloke (his partner, their daughter, the other kids) has to modify their behaviour so as not to make him feel bad, but his is fine? Hmm

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Therealamandaclarke · 27/08/2013 20:36

I think thebody is talking sense.
I can see why you are annoyed with him. I think it sounds like you beame stressed very quickly on hearing your dd crying and were pissed off that he ignored you.
He shouldn't have ignored you but maybe he was pissed off with you shouting when there was nothing serious going on.

Neither of you has done anything terrible. And neither of you handled the situation brilliantly.
kiss and make up?

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Therealamandaclarke · 27/08/2013 20:40

Well, everybody should have first aid classes IMO.
That's not the op's responsibility to organise. But the suggestion has to come from somewhere.

Trouble is, this wans't a first aid situation.

I think there's a possibility of distorted perception in OP's repost of the incident. If one is stressed enough to be shouting the often the real picture doesn't appear clearly.

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thebody · 27/08/2013 20:47

get him some classes or him phoning. don't be silly that's just semantics. everyone in our house has had first aid training including my older dds and teen dds.

the op describes her dd as screaming her head off and that's quite normal for her remember. the op 'runs' into the kitchen and shouts. to be honest that would piss me right off as the other patent in the room. perhaps he was assessing the situation which is a lot more use than scooping up a 'hurt' child.

Agent, my child was very seriously injured in a crash while I wasn't with her. thankfully the adults who survived were able to help by acting cooly and assessing her injuries.

this however wasn't a first aid situation and the inky one infantilising the husband here is the op who doesn't trust him and posters supporting her.

sounds like far far too much drama in this house over nothing.

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WafflyVersatile · 27/08/2013 20:49

I'd apologise for shouting but ask why he didn't just shout 'she's ok' as it was being scared something serious had happened that made you shout.

As a general rule apologising for shouting is the right thing to do.

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McNewPants2013 · 27/08/2013 20:52

I don't know why he froze in the first place.

If he accidentally knocked someone in a public place would he just stand there.

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thebody · 27/08/2013 20:58

maybe he was trying not to overreact like his dd and wife do.

honest not trying to be horrible op. your post days how you had to regularly resuscitate your sister and trauma like that stays with you.

I absolutely understand as after dds terrible accident I too expected trauma around every corner and am now getting counselling.

don't underestimate what you have been through and how this can transfer to your family.

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AgentZigzag · 27/08/2013 21:01

Hope your DD's OK the body.

But you think the DH did nothing wrong (I think, might have been typos at the end of the sentence you wrote on that bit) insinuating that with a child screaming in front of you, you'd have done the same.

If his behaviour wasn't disturbing by your reckoning, is that the way you react in that situation?

I don't like overreactions, they make me feel less sympathy not more, but no reaction either way is just so odd, and if you don't think it is I was wondering why.

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