AIBU to think will I fuck apologies

[AuchAyethenoo]

literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.

I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.

I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.

I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.

Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

The DC was not choking today...that was a past incident!

[gamerchick]

But it sticks in your head though.

[meditrina]

Well, if you already know you really cannot trust him to look after DC, that means he cannot be left in sole charge of them.

You will either have to do all the childcare, or hire professional carers if you want any time to yourself before their bedtime.

[Cluffyflump]

Yes neo, but the op had no way of knowing that at the time, so in her mind Dd could well have been in grave danger.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

Pianodoodle my DH does that when I'm driving. Gives me the proper rage (once I've calmed down from almost careering off the road due to his hysterical flapping).
I might actually ban him from being a passenger in the car as its too stressful.

[googietheegg]

You do need to apologise. There is nothing more annoying than someone shouting from another room when you're in the middle of a tricky situation.

[FreeWee]

My DH is like this. Over or under reacts at random. Sometimes I feel I have to parent him which can involve me shouting at him. I always apologise for shouting because we're adults and shouldn't really shout at each other but then explain why and suggest what he could have done differently to a) make the situation better if it happened again and b) mean I don't feel the need to shout at him again.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Why is OP in the wrong for 'shouting like a fishwife' (lovely sexist phrase there too) whereas her other half gets a free pass for not apologising to his DD for accidentally bumping her, standing there gaping like a haddock (since we're on a fish theme) and notanswering OP, twice, when she asked what the matter was? Oh, sorry, he couldn't think coherently with all the noise. Seriously?

YANBU. Tell him if he answers you next time you ask what's wrong there will be no need for any of this and it doesn't became a grown man to sulk and strop.

[AuchAyethenoo]

His reaction and responses to the kids when injured or ill, I feel, just aren't appropriate. It makes it incredibly difficult for mecto trust him when in sole care of them.

He's a very loving dad and is thoroughly adored by our dc, but yes I can't fully entrust him with their physical safety.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly]

He freezes, you panic. Sounds like you both need to sort yourselves out, I dread to think how either of you would cope in an actual emergency.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

Oh, and you may have shrieked, but he has stomped off in a toddler huff so it's him who has handled the situation poorly. I wouldn't be the first to apologise here.

[IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep]

Fair enough you can't trust him, but coming in screaming like a banshee is not going to give you the information you want. If you react like that every time something happens then I'm not surprised he struggles to form a response.

I think you should apologise for over reacting.

[AgentZigzag]

Catching her with his elbow isn't quite smashing her in the face TSC, that suggests he did it on purpose.

Even if he's got a problem getting past that rooted to the ground thing, which is pretty normal I think in a traumatic/dangerous situation, everyday things like ignoring a small child with no reaction whatsoever when they're crying (for whatever reason, why wasn't he comforting her or telling her it's not that bad etc) is very unusual.

[AgentZigzag]

'Tricky situation' googie?

What was he doing that was tricky? He was standing looking on, doing nothing.

[TooMuchRain]

You're right agent but I really can't get my head round the OP having three children with someone she doesn't trust - or is has his behaviour changed recently?

[AuchAyethenoo]

With the choking incident (2 days ago) after I had dealt with baby (I'm very good in a crisis having resuscitated my sister over 100 times since I was 7 thanks very much) I calmly asked him what he would have done if I hadn't been there, his response was, stick his fingers down her throat to make her sick and bring it up.

I've now signed him up to infant first aid classes. Knowing what to do in a situation really won't do much good if your reactions are so slow that damage has already been done.

[Cluffyflump]

I find it creepy that he hurt her (not meaning too) and just stood there, staring at her whilst she cried.
Has he apologised to Dd yet?

[AuchAyethenoo]

Also I was in another room, I shouted in to check what was wrong, if he needed any help, I asked again when I didn't get a response I took it that something was seriously wrong.

[justanuthermanicmumsday]

I think you were one edge he wasn't reactivpng like you were so you assumed he didn't care. He obviously knew who had happened was highly stressed and upset by it all, was gathering his thoughts or trying to keep his emotions calm rather than busting a fuse. You sound the opposite like you expressed your emotions loudly and physically. It doesn't mean he cares any less about the children.

I'm the same as him I think. Because I am prone to losing my temper I do sometimes check myself before going berserk and sit there quiet. So if my kid is sick whilst eating and ruins my meal I often sit there before responding because I don't want to vent my anger on my kids. Husband does say what's wrong with you. But I'd rather be calm than losing it.

as you know him well I'm sure you knew in your heart nothing dangerous had occurred, if for example the child had choked I'm she hed be there trying to removing the obstruction. He sounds like he takes a more relaxed approach.

I would apologise for shouting at him, but explain why as well, he may be more vocal next time? No need to spend the day being mad at each other life's too short.

[TarkaTheOtter]

Why not just say "I'm sorry I shouted, I thought something was seriously wrong because of x incident I'm a bit panicky when you go all quiet like that".

[thebody]

'you have resuscitated your sister over 100 times since you were 7'.

says it all really op. you are understandably in a daily 'fight or flight' state with your own children because if your upbringing and your dh is totally intimidated at your ability to cope in an emergency so is too scared to dive in.

your dd is taking advantage if this to play you off against each other and screams like 'a banchee' to see you jump into action as its fun.

you need to calm down and not expect death in ever corner, send him to first aid classes ( and don't be so dramatic as not trusting him with his own kids ffs)

and if your dd screams like this with little provocation send her to bed.as its naughty unless she's really hurt. noone likes a drama queen of any age.

[Therealamandaclarke]

I think I agree with tarka
But I wouldn't admit to panicking.

[Dobbiesmum]

I was going to suggest a first aid class for him OP, that's exactly what sorted my DH after he froze when DD1 started to choke one time. I'd had first aid training and had kept it up to date through my employers for years so didn't panic, just sorted her out. He was panicking but in a 'frozen' sort of way. It was the same if the DC's fell over etc for a while.
When he had to do his own first aid training it changed his reaction completely. He's trained to use Defibrilators as well now and is a damn sight calmer is a crisis!