AIBU to think will I fuck apologies

[AuchAyethenoo]

literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.

I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.

I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.

I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.

Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!

[AllOutOfIdeas]

But the op hasn't said her dc is a screamer.

She said her cry is the same whether hurt or been told no.

I can tell by my dcs different cry whether its an "I am hurt" or "daddy said no biscuit" or "my sister snatched my toy" cry.

Op was just stating she can't do this. So it needed a "she's fine" from her dp. He didn't do that.

[Therealamandaclarke]

Has he calmed down yet? Stomping and throwing things is not at all nice for anyone.

[thebody]

she's doing good thanks Agent.

I do see how his reaction could look odd but he may have been looking at her arm, he may have been processing/ assessing the situation and understandably looked up as his wife comes running screaming into the room.

he may feel he needs to be the calm one in the midst of all the panic and screaming from both his wife and dd.

to add everyone needs to do a first aid course. It really doesn't matter a crisp who makes the phone call to arrange it.

[thebody]

perhaps her dh didn't hear the op over his dds screaming?

all children need to be taught not to scream at no. agree?

[Therealamandaclarke]

Sorry to hear about that accident thebody

[ethelb]

It sounds difficult OP. I come from a family of people who freeze and gawp in a crisis and it is infurriating, especially as they are extremely defensive about it. They are so crap I do wory what would happen if the crisis happened to me when I am with them! This is apparently very selfish.

But it is true that first aid qualifications are a good confidence booster. I have done one myself (not up to date but will remedy that soon) and do wonder how I would feel in those same situations without it. It makes a world of difference to how you deal with these situations as you are given a structure to deal with a crisis.

[catkind]

If I heard a child screaming and didn't get a response from the adult my first thoughts would be either adult has left the room and child is alone - or something has happened to the adult. Either way I would be getting there in a hurry and be pretty cross to find adult just standing there ignoring me and child.

[diddl]

So he freezes & doesn't know what to do in an emergency.

But this wasn't-he just needed to cuddle his daughter.

And he loses the ability to reply to simple questions as well...

No, wouldn't be apologising.

[AgentZigzag]

I know what you mean thebody, but that would suggest he's not saying/doing anything on purpose, with the knowledge of what his DW has had to deal with in the past (something not to be minimised, and must have been incredibly distressing).

It's hardly the nicest way in the world to tackle the problem, if he thinks she has one.

I said about me not being a drama queen and DD1 being a huge one because it's not necessarily a learned behaviour. Honestly, the fuss DD1 can make (which inevitably affects/infects everyone within the hearing distance of a mile) when she's lost her phone for the 10th time that day, really is astounding.

I might come across as unsympathetic in some situations, but I don't do nothing at all. The OP's DD is going to be left with the fact that her dad won't react at all if she shouts that she needs him, that's got to hurt more than the original elbow/head thing.

[Therealamandaclarke]

Yes agent that's why I would have been annoyed with him. Because I think, from the op, that he might have been being deliberately difficult.

Very annoying.

Maybe spike him after all op.

[thebody]

no I quite see your point Agent. I wonder if the op was actually not in the house how he would act? he could be superman in the quiet!! maybe???

thanks Therealamandaclarke.

op go teach him your skills. hope you are speaking now and sorted.

[Lazyjaney]

He's a very loving dad and is thoroughly adored by our dc, but yes I can't fully entrust him with their physical safety

Or you may be a tad over anxious? Just reading your posts I get that impression.

[MrsNoodleHead]

My DF is like you, OP. As kids growing up it was horrendous.

Every noise - me and DB messing about, something dropping on the floor, squeals, shouts - was met with a shouted "WHAT'S HAPPENING" followed by panicked stomps up the stairs, barging in, more shouting.

Completely unnecessary and it was just him casting his anxiety about. It was oppressive.

OP you need to get your anxiety under control. What do you think your DC2 is thinking - is learning - when you are shouting loudly "FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS HAPPENING" in response to a minor incident. You need better coping strategies and to teach your children better coping strategies.

Your DH may also be in the wrong by the sounds of it. TBH though, I also wouldn't react well to someone screaming at me over nothing. The grown up thing would be for you each to apologise with each other and work out how you deal with future incidents. I suggest that when you hear her cry, you get up, walk in, and calmly ask if she is okay and that your DH answers you.

[AgentZigzag]

Mmm knowing how he'd act with his DD upset when he's on his own would show whether he's doing it on purpose to teach her a lesson or has got a genuine mental block when it comes to something...I was going to say out of the ordinary, but children getting overemotional is totally normal, emotional maybe? Perhaps he's not sure what's expected of him in this kind of situation and he ends up just doing nothing.

Be interesting to know how he is with other routine 'dramas' as well. Like what happens if his car breaks down? Does he just stand next to it looking vacant? Or someone gets upset at him at work, does he just go into blank mode?

It'd probably completely throw me tbh, it'd be the reaction I'd least expect and I'd end up doing it back at him at a loss of what to say

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I know I'm repeating myself, but the man has 3 kids. Why is he incapable of dealing with one of them having an accidental bump? It must have happened dozens of times by now, and it's hardly rocket science to give them a hug and reassure them if they're very small.

Re the first aid thing - people seem to want to have this both ways. Either he was being the calm, cool superman in a crisis, assessing the situation and working out the best response (unlike the 'hysterical' OP...) or there was no crisis so he was quite rightly not reacting, unlike the hysterical overreacting OP. Now it could be one or the other of these things but not both. Either way there are a lot of posts determined to put the OP in the wrong here, which is why I'm trying to put the other side.

[thebody]

no I am certainly not 'determined to put the op in the wrong' but we can only judge in her posts and personally speaking have picked out these points.

the op has had numerous life threatening situations to deal with as a young child, ( read her subsequent posts)

she shouted and ran into the kitchen while her dd was crying knowing that her dh was with the dd and that her dd screams on many occasions.

she picks up dd while still shouting for gods sake what's happened and her dd is ok.

she seemed to me to have completely overreacted and pusses off her dh who may have been calmly dealing with the situation.

a screaming crying child dies not need a shouting running parent.

I can understand in these circumstances her dh being mightily pissed off at her reactions.

[thebody]

but not blaming op. think she has been through a lot.

[AgentZigzag]

That's probably why she was desperately trying to find out what'd happened, her DD was in the room with someone she knows is less than useless with this sort of stuff.

If the DD had burnt herself or something, she needs to be acting sharpish, not stand there trying to get info out of someone catching flies and gawping at her.

I'm sure it wasn't like the situation either of us have got set up in our minds, but the one set up in my head would make me furious at the time. If something's happened to my DD's I want to fucking know what went on. (although I've never had reason to get furious because it's always more than apparent what's happened because I can hear DH talking about it to them/me).

[edam]

OP sounds like she doesn't have much respect for her dh. She thinks her dh under-reacts and admits she over-reacts, based on some very difficult experiences.

Sounds very confusing for the kids.

OP, good idea re first aid classes but dh isn't the only one with an issue here. You and dh need to sit down and talk honestly and openly about how you can work together to avoid scaring your children with massive scenes about nothing.

[Cluffyflump]

But he hurt her and just left her crying.
That's massively shit.

[AllOutOfIdeas]

wI really don't get why the op is over protective/emotional because her dh didn't answer her?

As a pp said, the child was in the kitchen. She could have been burnt/scalded/cut/denied a treat. Op tried asking twice what was wrong. I would have been getting concerned too and gone in too.

Why is she in the wrong when the Dp didn't give his little girl a cuddle after bumping her? He couldn't have been that far away from her? Or just call to op that its all fine, not to worry?

Why is the op getting so much stick for checking on her child? I would as well with his track record!

[MrsNoodleHead]

So many potentially unfair assumptions about OP's DH here.

We don't know what he was doing to comfort the child while OP was out of the room.

We don't know that he close or far away he was from her when OP came into the room, whether he was talking to her etc.

The whole "he hurt her and just left her crying" thing reeks of potential mischaracterisation. We don't know whether he accidentally bumped into her, or she bumped into him. We don't know how serious it was - not very, from the sounds of it. OP says that her DD has the exact same scream whether she is hurt or just being told 'no'. It could have been the most minor of incidents, DD could have been overreacting and playing for attention and OP's DH could have taken an appropriate decision not to encourage a silly reaction. I've certainly done that with my DSs from time to time.

So, we actually know nothing about the DH's reaction to his daughter in this instance. Let's stop with the bashing.

[Cluffyflump]

After that he started to throw things around!
He was acting badly imo.

I hope op and her H have both been able to have a chat and make a plan on how to deal with these kind of things in the future.

[cumfy]

Is DD OK ?

How doe she feel about it ?

[MrsNoodleHead]

Yes, I agree that the throwing things around bit was shitty. But the bit before: we just don't have enough information to conclude either way.