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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a man and a woman can't be friends?

161 replies

QueenBach · 25/08/2013 22:15

Seems to be the sad conclusion that I've reached.

I've been working at a new place for 4 months now, have a desk next to a guy - really like him, he's funny, easy to chat to and we have very similar tastes. I do not like him in any other way but friendship and he has a girlfriend who he loves.

Like I mentioned we have very similar tastes and both love the same music. They are playing in our home city next year and I'd love to ask him to go (I have very different music tastes to my friends and therefore they wouldn't want to go with me - fair enough.)

However I would never ask him because he has a girlfriend and I'm sure most women wouldn't their partners going on an evening out with a female work colleague. So our friendship sticks to work hours and we would never communicate or meet up or text - so can't really develop that as a friendship.

Another guy at work I was friendly to him, if we had a break together we would go outside and chat. He asked if I was single when very soon on (I am) and towards this last month has been pushing me to go on a date with him. Why can't we just be friends?

Now I'm not a Samantha Brick and definitely not as good looking as her either Grin but it seems to me if a man is in a relationship is quite a no go zone to start a friendship with him and if they are single then the majority of the time it will turn in a sex or relationship thing.

So from my experiences (there are other examples but these are the most recent ones) men and women can't be just friends.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 25/08/2013 23:00

Been on this site too long maybe, but this topic comes up on a regular basis.

Cremolafoam · 25/08/2013 23:00

Dh and I are friends with another couple. I have known the guy for 20 years and we are like siblings . His wife and my husband get in so well they have regularly taken our various children on holiday together ( mostly to music festivals) without me and male friend.( neither of us can be doing with camping and noise)
We have a great time digging in the allotment and listening to vintage music while they are away . We also meet up and play poker with his mates . We are FRIENDS.
There is absolutely NO jealousy issue or anxieties about any of this. We are like family( but aren't) and our girls are like sisters.
It is a state of mind op. you can be friends with anyone any age any sex.
Life is all the better for it IMO Smile

BrianTheMole · 25/08/2013 23:01

I also think if you have been friends a long time (possibly before either of you were married/in long term relationships) it makes a hell of a lot of difference.

yes, this is true. I guess if it was someone I really got on with then I would invite him and his partner round. If I was single then I still would, but maybe invite a couple of other friends round too to make it easier. But yes I guess those older established friendships are easier.

MagratOfStolat · 25/08/2013 23:02

I disagree, I have several friends who are male and I love spending time with them.

However, I will admit there's a lot of evidence to corroborate this theory. Case in point - Started a job a few months ago and have made a few new friends, but the man I ended up working with quite closely and who I formed a pretty good bond with almost immediately decided to move jobs without telling me, and then have someone else break the news that he moved locations because he'd "fallen" for me and working with me was too hard on him...

He'd just celebrated his 15th wedding anniversary FFS! I was a bit Hmm

MariaLuna · 25/08/2013 23:03

My male friends are gay Grin

So much simpler!

Had what I thought was a great hetero male friend, he was great, we could laugh, chat, etc. I loved him as a friend.

Till the day he told me he wanted more.... I still see him sometimes (both moved on), we are both chatty and funny, but something has changed... so sad, I miss that light-hearted banter

I do think man/woman friendship can be, though!

ViviPru · 25/08/2013 23:05

I know, Silver, fair dues. That was my initial reaction on seeing the thread title too but I do maintain that I can see how single women making new male friends past mid-20s might not always be entirely straightforward

blueemerald · 25/08/2013 23:06

I think I agree with the long term vs new friend point.

I have lots of male friends who I've known in a group with some female friends (70-30 split more male) 10-15 years (I'm 26). Nothing sexual would ever happen that hasn't already (there is one long term couple and a few flings as teenagers). Since leaving university I have noticed that most new opposite gender single friendships (where someone makes one new friend rather than a pair/few from work/a new hobby) turn into relationships.

cory · 25/08/2013 23:08

So what do people do if they have an interest that is a very important part of their lives but not shared by their spouse and the only people you know who share this interest are of the opposite sex? If you can only see them with their spouses then the conversation will be general chitchat. And seeing them on their own is not allowed.

MrsOakenshield · 25/08/2013 23:09

virtually all of DH's friends are female, and if he makes a new friend at work, almost certainly they will be female, even if for no other reason than the industry we both work in is female dominated. I have no issue in him saying he's going for a pint after work with so-and-so female friend. He's not a flirt, and, with one exception from a while back (who he's lost touch with) doesn't fancy any of them.

I, on the other hand, am a frightful flirt, so it's best that most of my mates are female too!

ketchupontoast · 25/08/2013 23:10

One of my best friends was a male up until earlier this year. We had been close for 15 years and there were never any issues between us being friends. We went away together, would go on nights out and we were always together at birthdays and holidays. We were forever asked if there had ever been anything between us and ppl were shocked when we said we'd never had any attraction. Sadly this friendship ended this year but I do believe that men and women can have a friendship which is not based on anything sexual

thistlelicker · 25/08/2013 23:12

I had a male
Friend who I was
Friends with for over ten years!!! We talked every day and at times my rock when trouble with dh! His wife accused us of having an affair wen we wasn't, my dh knew I confided in him as my sounding
Board. She have him an ultimatum! We haven't spoke in nearly three years!

Mayanbob · 25/08/2013 23:12

Queenbach- totally agreed re: bed sharing- not something I'd do with anyone or okay in many circs. Prob should have said as an example.

Most of female friends were originally wives and gfs of dh's male friends and wanted a more traditional pink based hen do. I can dance to anything and I love cocktails so was happy to indulge.

Also agree with long term friendship and being single points. And much depends on the oh of the person in question. Jealousy can- but not always rear up. Inviting her to concert too could potentially save that?

SilverApples · 25/08/2013 23:13

Dunno cory, OH is going to have a long wait if he wants me to sing baroque motets, or even want to listen to them. The poor sweetling has had to look elsewhere for satisfaction.
And Mrs Oakenshield should understand my needs, OH feels the entire Tolkien oeuvre is....nonsense. Shock So I saw the films with my friend, who understands. His wife is grateful too.

Original poster
QueenBach · 25/08/2013 23:14

Been on this site too long maybe, but this topic comes up on a regular basis.

So?

There is always going to be threads that happen over again - ear piercings on babies, bf v ff, working mums vs stay at home mums, toilet brushes.

Most threads are very obvious as to what the content is so if it's a subject that bores you don't open it up. Don't waste time and energy saying this has been done before.

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 25/08/2013 23:15

There are a lot of dicks around who will try it on with anybody.

As long as you avoid them of course men and women can be friends without there being anything underlying.

The proportion of dickheads (of either gender) does tend to make it seem like a general thing though, but it's really not.

sunshine401 · 25/08/2013 23:15

{shock]
Just see if he wants to go.

sunshine401 · 25/08/2013 23:15
Shock
BrianTheMole · 25/08/2013 23:19

So what do people do if they have an interest that is a very important part of their lives but not shared by their spouse and the only people you know who share this interest are of the opposite sex? If you can only see them with their spouses then the conversation will be general chitchat. And seeing them on their own is not allowed

well if this was the situation for me then I know my dh wouldn't have a problem with that, or vice versa. Although I think its still good to meet the partner anyway, why wouldn't you want to. If someone is my friend I would want to meet their partner / children, because they are an important part of their lives. But I can't see a problem with people hanging out and talking about their hobby (far away from me) to avoid me from being bored to tears.

sunshine401 · 25/08/2013 23:23

I don't have millions of friends, however the friends I do have are close friends some women and some men. All of them now have met my DH, however when the friendships were forming most did not meet him straight away. I have regular "catch up" days with my dearest few, cafe,pub,cinema and so on. I do not see anything wrong with it.

ViviPru · 25/08/2013 23:25

So what do people do if they have an interest that is a very important part of their lives but not shared by their spouse and the only people you know who share this interest are of the opposite sex? If you can only see them with their spouses then the conversation will be general chitchat. And seeing them on their own is not allowed

I've been pondering this too and trying to imagine this scenario. All of DHs specialist (and stereotypically male) interests we share, MTB, a particular underground music scene, a specific motoring interest, so I can't imagine it happening in our circs, especially with a female (this is not a sexist generalisation, on the xc MTB trails, women are massively outnumbered so the chances of him making a female MTB pal are greatly less likely than a male one) We also both work in related fields. I can however imagine shared interests in the circs you describe being a catalyst for a new mixed-gender friendship generally.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 25/08/2013 23:32

I agree OP.

I'm happily single but would not invite either of the colleagues in your op to a gig on my own for the obvious reasons you've outlined.

I'm a bit Hmm at all these anecdotes about having male friends as if you've stated something so ridiculous.

StuntGirl · 25/08/2013 23:36

YABVU.

EBearhug · 26/08/2013 12:51

I've got more male friends than female friends - part of this is because I work in a male-dominated industry.

Actually, I do have a couple of old boyfriends who are friends (we are talking boyfriends from about 20 years ago rather than recently), and another man from university whom I threw myself at shamelessly, and he always turned me down, but it did develop into friendship, and now I can't imagine having any other sort of relationship with him (and not just because he's now married with a child.) But I've other male friends I've never had any interest in anything more than friendship, and I don't really see how it's different from having female friends where I've never had any interest in anything more than friendship.

It's possible I'm too good at just friendship, and that's why I'm single, because I'm not someone anyone would consider as anything else, I don't know.

FredFredGeorge · 26/08/2013 14:00

It appears to be very much your problem, and yes it does sound like you cannot be friends with a man. In fact I'm surprised you can really be friends with anyone if you're so obsessed with how other peoples relationships and friendships are impacted by things, rather than simply getting on with being a friend.

If you want to do something with a friend, you ask them, and it's down to them if they do it - it's not your job to think for your friends and decide if they should do something or not. It sounds much more likely to me that this guy isn't your friend, simply a guy passing the time at work - maybe he could become a friend, but not if you're obsessed by his girlfriend.

As to the 2nd guy, you're single, he's interested, he took a chance, why so be hard on him - and what's it got to do with being friends? He's interested in you in other ways... If you're not, just let him down as friendly or as obnoxiously as you want or need for him to get the message.

Of course people can be friends.

Cloudhoney · 26/08/2013 14:03

Yabvvu. I have just had an old uni friend and his family come to stay. Never been a hint of anything more than friends on either side in 20 years.

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